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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Doing the laundry!

28 replies

Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 21:18

I don't know whether this is such a small issue that has become a mountain over the course of the week. But I can no longer tell who is being unreasonable here.

Basically, my Mrs likes every single item washed after only a single wear. Fair enough. I tend to leave trousers/jumpers for a few wears and then wash.
Since we have baby coming (currently 32 weeks), and with the cost of living going up, I asked if we could continue washing all her stuff as normal, but her pant trousers (chinos) could she wear them twice before being washed. The argument this has caused!
I've even tried saying that the guidance is tshirts - one wear, trousers - 2-5.
Obviously depending on stains/sweat/smell etc. But she doesn't have a physically demanding job, she works in an office.

Just so you all know, she works full time and I'm a house wife. She doesn't do anything in the home, nor do I expect her to. I manage bills and everything.
I have no issue washing her clothes (obviously), but I just think what I'm asking isnt that big of a deal and we really cant afford the water/electricity/gas. Especially with cost of living and new baby coming. Everything is going up and so is our usage! I'm absolutely dreading the loads of washing once baby is here!

Am I being unreasonable asking to change from 1 wear to 2 with her trousers? Or is she being unreasonable? Her argument was "I want them washed so they should be washed".
If I'm being a d*ck just tell me. Not sure if hormones are making this seem worse than it is.

OP posts:
pawz · 18/02/2023 21:25

Honestly I think unless they're dirty, washing after every wear of a pair of trousers is a bit unnecessary.

Underwear I understand being washed every time it's worn! I'm similar to you on washing things when dirty.

When you've got a new baby I'm sure you'll have enough on your plate with their washing! Sounds like she'll have to start washing her own clothes?

Curiosity101 · 18/02/2023 21:28

Realistically how much difference is changing washing her trousers from after every wear to every other wear going to make? I feel like next to 0 so I don't believe this is your root issue so I don't think it would solve what you're feeling.

It's common to get a big urge to clean/tidy/nest when you're heavily pregnant. Is this strong urge to cut down on laundry a recent thing?

I'm absolutely dreading the loads of washing once baby is here! Could this be the root issue? Are you anxious about how you're going to cope generally when the baby is here? That's also very normal, babies are a huge adjustment.

FWIW I think your wife is being unreasonable with her washing frequency in general but I don't think it really matters if you're being reasonable or not. What matters is you're not communicating effectively with each other.

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 21:30

pawz · 18/02/2023 21:25

Honestly I think unless they're dirty, washing after every wear of a pair of trousers is a bit unnecessary.

Underwear I understand being washed every time it's worn! I'm similar to you on washing things when dirty.

When you've got a new baby I'm sure you'll have enough on your plate with their washing! Sounds like she'll have to start washing her own clothes?

I think its unnecessary too, but its what she is used to and I've always just done it. I worry she isnt very good at adapting and will get a shock when baby comes!

OP posts:
Grizzledstrawberry · 18/02/2023 21:32

Your not been unreasonable, id say if she wants her clothes washed after every use then she can do it herself, you doing everything at home and her working might work for you now, and seem like a even share of duties now but I doubt it will when baby arrives, I'm sure her taking on one job of washing her own clothes isn't too much to ask of her.

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 21:36

Curiosity101 · 18/02/2023 21:28

Realistically how much difference is changing washing her trousers from after every wear to every other wear going to make? I feel like next to 0 so I don't believe this is your root issue so I don't think it would solve what you're feeling.

It's common to get a big urge to clean/tidy/nest when you're heavily pregnant. Is this strong urge to cut down on laundry a recent thing?

I'm absolutely dreading the loads of washing once baby is here! Could this be the root issue? Are you anxious about how you're going to cope generally when the baby is here? That's also very normal, babies are a huge adjustment.

FWIW I think your wife is being unreasonable with her washing frequency in general but I don't think it really matters if you're being reasonable or not. What matters is you're not communicating effectively with each other.

I probably sounded more het up in the post than necessary. We literally just had an hour long discussion about it and I'm still upset.

I have no other "root issue". We get along great and are very compatible, with everything. I am not niave and I know having a new baby is going to be really hard in ways I cant even imagine yet, and I'm sure I'll "not cope" quite a few times. Just like all mothers.
I think the issue I'm having is I am trying to look ahead, realise and accept how hard everything is gonna be, how much everything is gonna change, so I want to try and put some things into place before to try and help with it all. To make it that little bit easier. But she is so used to how things have always been that she seems to be struggling with adapting. Or I am just not seeing things from her percpective... I have no idea right now.

OP posts:
mondaytosunday · 18/02/2023 21:37

I expect her to be doing her share - if your roles were reversed everyone would be asking if the working spouse was pulling their weight!
My daughter used to put things in the laundry after one wear. I'd just fold it up and put it with the clean clothes if I didn't think it needed washing.

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 21:38

Grizzledstrawberry · 18/02/2023 21:32

Your not been unreasonable, id say if she wants her clothes washed after every use then she can do it herself, you doing everything at home and her working might work for you now, and seem like a even share of duties now but I doubt it will when baby arrives, I'm sure her taking on one job of washing her own clothes isn't too much to ask of her.

We discussed that, her washing her own clothes, but its more about the cost, of everything! I don't mind doing the washing, but my point is to try and reduce usage! If it cant be resolved she will just have to wash them herself, like you say. Maybe she will have to be in charge of the gas and electric bills?

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 21:40

mondaytosunday · 18/02/2023 21:37

I expect her to be doing her share - if your roles were reversed everyone would be asking if the working spouse was pulling their weight!
My daughter used to put things in the laundry after one wear. I'd just fold it up and put it with the clean clothes if I didn't think it needed washing.

The house is my domain, and I actually enjoy it! When she comes home she does some of the jobs I cannot do, and she walks the dogs etc.
But that is genius! Never thought of that! Think I'll just do that from now on!

OP posts:
Precipice · 18/02/2023 21:40

A few things here. Even if she works full time and you don't work, it's still reasonable that she does something around the house. When you do have the child, will the set-up be that she works and you do everything re: the child? That's not right.

If she has strong feelings about when things should be washed, the laundry is a suggestion for what she could take up.

While wearing trousers only once is unusual and not necessary, it's up to the owner of an item of clothing to decide whether she'll wear it again or whether she'll put it into the washing basket.

While trousers take up more washing machine space in a load than does a t-shirt, the 'space' and the cost (of the cycle) saved by 'making' her wear them twice will not be significant. Going off a quick internet search,
inthewash.co.uk/laundry-and-ironing/cost-to-wash-clothes-uk/ suggests typical washing machine on a typical cycle is 0.41 per cycle. Unless you're literally counting every penny, the 'saving' will be negligible.

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:41

YANBU

The rule is:

Knickers - after one wear (I sometimes change into new ones after work)
Trousers - 3-5 wears
Tops - 2 wears
PJs - when the crotch starts to smell of wee (JK 😂) 3-5 wears

Unless stained

Od go nuts at things being washed after one wash, aside from the cost think of the damage on the environment if we all did that

closingscore · 18/02/2023 21:42

I'd just run the iron over them and pretend they've been washed. You can even make up a spray with your usual fabric softener watered down, and spritz to make them smell freshly washed.

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 21:44

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 18/02/2023 21:41

YANBU

The rule is:

Knickers - after one wear (I sometimes change into new ones after work)
Trousers - 3-5 wears
Tops - 2 wears
PJs - when the crotch starts to smell of wee (JK 😂) 3-5 wears

Unless stained

Od go nuts at things being washed after one wash, aside from the cost think of the damage on the environment if we all did that

This is basically me!! I feel like I'm making a big deal of it but its because I just cant fathom washing something that isnt dirty!!

Okay don't lie, we've all smelled a crotch or two to double check 🤭😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 21:45

closingscore · 18/02/2023 21:42

I'd just run the iron over them and pretend they've been washed. You can even make up a spray with your usual fabric softener watered down, and spritz to make them smell freshly washed.

Genius! Need more tips like this clearly

OP posts:
AlmostSummer21 · 18/02/2023 22:08

@Jodielou5972

congratulations on your baby!!! So exciting!!

despite you saying you have no issues, I think you do, you've said it (at least) twice.

But she is so used to how things have always been that she seems to be struggling with adapting

you are worrying about ^that. Not how many pairs of chinos she's putting in the wash.

te the washing. It's one thing to 'recycle' teens hoodies they've worn for 10 minutes (or not at all!) and quite another to do it to your adult partner who has worn the trousers all day.

Either do her washing when she puts it in the laundry or tell her you're not going to, but don't start playing stupid games like that. It's a slippery slope.

a couple of pairs of trousers is not going to make any notable difference in the gas/electric bill or number of loads you do. Running a washing machine really isn't expensive and the machine is going on anyway. It's simply not a hill to die on..

mainly you have to face up to the fact that you're (understandably) worrying about the changes a baby will bring & how you'll cope with that, as a couple.

is she worrying about feeling less important to you once the baby is here, maybe subconsciously?

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 22:16

AlmostSummer21 · 18/02/2023 22:08

@Jodielou5972

congratulations on your baby!!! So exciting!!

despite you saying you have no issues, I think you do, you've said it (at least) twice.

But she is so used to how things have always been that she seems to be struggling with adapting

you are worrying about ^that. Not how many pairs of chinos she's putting in the wash.

te the washing. It's one thing to 'recycle' teens hoodies they've worn for 10 minutes (or not at all!) and quite another to do it to your adult partner who has worn the trousers all day.

Either do her washing when she puts it in the laundry or tell her you're not going to, but don't start playing stupid games like that. It's a slippery slope.

a couple of pairs of trousers is not going to make any notable difference in the gas/electric bill or number of loads you do. Running a washing machine really isn't expensive and the machine is going on anyway. It's simply not a hill to die on..

mainly you have to face up to the fact that you're (understandably) worrying about the changes a baby will bring & how you'll cope with that, as a couple.

is she worrying about feeling less important to you once the baby is here, maybe subconsciously?

I'm not playing games. Nor is it just a couple pairs of trousers.. It's every item of clothing she wears for a week. If its been on, it's getting washed.

We just discussed the comments others have made, she read this full thread and we are talking about making changes to help with the usage and cost. I don't play the blame game, or games at all. If I'm being a d*ck I apologise. We have both contributed to the argument this evening, however, she is being a little unreasonable, there is no need to wash those trousers unless dirty.

Less important? No, it's laundry ha! We have never been closer since pregnancy thanks.

Of course I'm worried about changes a baby will make, that's why I'm trying to make adaptions and attempt to organise our life a little before newborn gets here. I would be worried if a new mom wasn't worrying about stuff.

OP posts:
Couchpotato3 · 18/02/2023 22:24

There is also the issue that every wash causes some amount of 'wear' to the clothing. Things will last longer if they aren't constantly being put through the machine.

I like to differentiate between clothes that are clean (washed and hung in wardrobe, put away in drawers etc) and those that have been worn but can be worn again. I simply have a separate free-standing clothes rail and hang any items that can be worn again on there - I wear them a few times over the course of a week or two and then they go in the wash. Leaving them to hang with plenty of air circulating helps to prevent any smells - they could even be hung outdoors in the summer. A quick run over with the iron also helps to spruce things up with minimal effort.

New babies don't need lots of fancy gear - make sure you have plenty of babygros, towels, bedding, pyjamas for the new mum - all stuff that can easily be chucked in the machine and tumble-dried for a quick turnaround. It's definitely a time to lower your standards and do whatever is easiest for everyone!

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 22:38

Couchpotato3 · 18/02/2023 22:24

There is also the issue that every wash causes some amount of 'wear' to the clothing. Things will last longer if they aren't constantly being put through the machine.

I like to differentiate between clothes that are clean (washed and hung in wardrobe, put away in drawers etc) and those that have been worn but can be worn again. I simply have a separate free-standing clothes rail and hang any items that can be worn again on there - I wear them a few times over the course of a week or two and then they go in the wash. Leaving them to hang with plenty of air circulating helps to prevent any smells - they could even be hung outdoors in the summer. A quick run over with the iron also helps to spruce things up with minimal effort.

New babies don't need lots of fancy gear - make sure you have plenty of babygros, towels, bedding, pyjamas for the new mum - all stuff that can easily be chucked in the machine and tumble-dried for a quick turnaround. It's definitely a time to lower your standards and do whatever is easiest for everyone!

Love the idea of hanging things out to keep them "fresh". I have a large clothes horse for crap weather days and a big washing line for the sunshine so that would work ideal for us being honest.

The only "outfits" we've got baby so far are baby grow and cardigans! No need for fancy gear as you say till they're a bit bigger.
We have always had a good routine going, really hoping we can change and manage to get a routine up and running with little one! After all the initial chaos of course ha

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 18/02/2023 22:47

I guess it depends on how many clothes she had. I wear what I like for work no uniform as such. I wear a thermal top under a dress or other top, that gets washed weekly or when it smells and outerwear I wear once and hang back up and wear it another week unless it smells or is dirty my washing is usually 5 knickers 5 pairs of socks 3 pyjama bottoms and one of two tops plus a towel. My oh is 5 socks 5 pants 5 trousers 5 t-shirts 5 shirts several jumpers 5 pjs and 2 fleeces. Does my head in too.

MrsHGWells · 18/02/2023 23:01

use a lovely fresh ironing water and light iron or clothes steamer & hang
fabreze or wash clothes with Leonor unfogettabes - clothes smell fresher for longer.

also, on e baby comes along- trust me, any item not covered in baby puke, milk splashed or food is clean.

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 23:01

Greensleevevssnotnose · 18/02/2023 22:47

I guess it depends on how many clothes she had. I wear what I like for work no uniform as such. I wear a thermal top under a dress or other top, that gets washed weekly or when it smells and outerwear I wear once and hang back up and wear it another week unless it smells or is dirty my washing is usually 5 knickers 5 pairs of socks 3 pyjama bottoms and one of two tops plus a towel. My oh is 5 socks 5 pants 5 trousers 5 t-shirts 5 shirts several jumpers 5 pjs and 2 fleeces. Does my head in too.

Yes that's basically the same as us!
I've never minded before, well not too much, but I want to try and cut back a little preparing for the million baby vests I have to wash 🤦🏻‍♀️
I just think stuff doesn't need washing unless it's dirty! Smell test ha

OP posts:
DietrichandDiMaggio · 18/02/2023 23:26

Greensleevevssnotnose · 18/02/2023 22:47

I guess it depends on how many clothes she had. I wear what I like for work no uniform as such. I wear a thermal top under a dress or other top, that gets washed weekly or when it smells and outerwear I wear once and hang back up and wear it another week unless it smells or is dirty my washing is usually 5 knickers 5 pairs of socks 3 pyjama bottoms and one of two tops plus a towel. My oh is 5 socks 5 pants 5 trousers 5 t-shirts 5 shirts several jumpers 5 pjs and 2 fleeces. Does my head in too.

Leaving aside that you wear the same thermal top for a week before washing , do you and your oh only wear clothes on 5 days of the week -are you naturists at the weekend?

Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 23:33

DietrichandDiMaggio · 18/02/2023 23:26

Leaving aside that you wear the same thermal top for a week before washing , do you and your oh only wear clothes on 5 days of the week -are you naturists at the weekend?

Show quote history

Think the 5 days was referring to work clothes! I count weekday clothes as different to the weekend too

OP posts:
Original poster
Jodielou5972 · 18/02/2023 23:34

MrsHGWells · 18/02/2023 23:01

use a lovely fresh ironing water and light iron or clothes steamer & hang
fabreze or wash clothes with Leonor unfogettabes - clothes smell fresher for longer.

also, on e baby comes along- trust me, any item not covered in baby puke, milk splashed or food is clean.

This made me giggle! Thank you, completely agree

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 18/02/2023 23:36

I voted YANBU, because you are being less U than she is, but in truth, I actually think YABU for washing stuff that doesn't need washing.

She is being ridiculously U.

OliveWah · 18/02/2023 23:50

YANBU, but one of my teenage DDs is exactly the same, but she does have (diagnosed and treated) OCD, so I feel your pain. I do an awful lot of washing...

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