To find that people who’ve been through hardships aren’t very understanding of people who are going through the same?

[TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl]

I’ve noticed this over the years, just how unforgiving people can be, when they’ve overcome hardship, and find out others have been in the same situation as them.

Prompted by two separate conversations today.

Firstly, my cousin had started dating a single mum of a 2yo girl. We met her last week and she’s lovely and her LG is adorable, all the kids in the family really took her under their wing and they had a blast. Spoke to my mum in a “what did you think of Lily’ kind of way, and she said that whilst the LG was lovely the girlfriend and her circumstances are ‘baggage that James doesn’t need’ and that single mums are unstable and men should avoid them.

My mum was a single mum herself!! In the early 80’s too when there was a massive stigma around being a single mum. And she remarried when we were young, to someone she is still married to! Even with THREE children as ‘baggage’. I did remind her of this and pulled her up on her unkind comments. Apparently it was ‘different’ for her and the circumstances weren’t the same at all

The other Instance is SIL. My DH’s sister. She has an adult DD and a 9yo son, same as as my DD. We met in a soft play and her son’s friend came with them. This friend is overweight, and SIL was commenting on how it must be awful for the poor boy, being that size, being restricted, getting tired easily and she can’t believe parents think it’s ever acceptable to let their kids get that way.

her adult DD was actually larger than this boy when she was the same age. She’s since battled with her weight all her life. I first met her when she was 9 and I remember being shocked at her size. SIL and BIL always maintain that she was a child who was never full, and then from pre-teen years she ‘ate her feelings’ about her weight and it became a vicious circle. My niece has actually had bariatric surgery in adulthood now and has lost 9 stone and looks fantastic, but still it was really tough for her.

My SIL and mum aren’t otherwise unkind people, they have empathy but it’s strange they choose not to be empathic about the issues they’ve been through themselves

AIBU to wonder why the most unforgiving people are perhaps those who should be more well equipped to relate?

I agree with both sides TBH. It will because your mum knows just how hard it is that she knows that cousin is facing a difficult life if he "takes on" a single mum. It's because she does get it, not that she lacks sympathy.

I think when you get through something hard, you can either think of yourself as a victim, or as someone who has survived something manageable. Its healthy in many ways to shrink your big issues down in your head, as something hard, but relatively minor, that you took in your stride.

Its not good to be thinking " o my goodness, my life has been AWEFUL and TERRIBLE things have happened to me"

So you think, ok these bad things happened, they were manageable, and I survived

Then you apply that to others in the same boat

you think " ok, these things are manageable, just get on and manage them and get yourself out the other end"