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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Co parenting struggle... AIBU???

23 replies

lemonmama · 18/02/2023 14:58

So my son (4) spends every Sunday 10am-6pm ish with his dad. Also has him during the week on 3 days 3-6pm whilst I'm at work.

So I recently asked him if he could start having him every 3rd Saturday overnight as well, so I could go out with friends and have a night off etc. Only asked for every 3rd Saturday as hes a big socialiser goes to the pub most Saturdays and I couldnt be arsed with the drama. He also doesn't have a permanent bed for my son at his house as he lives with his mum.
Anyway he agreed to this and today was the first Saturday for overnight. He's just come from work to collect him (3pm ish) I was assuming he'd come at tea time. And he's said "I'll see you at 10 tomorrow." So I said umm no you're still having him on Sunday as normal, I just wanted the Saturday overnight as well.

But apparently I didn't state this and he assumed we'd swapped the days (even though I know he works most Saturdays so I wouldn't suggest this). Hes now said he's made plans for tomorrow (with his new gf ofc) so he can't have him. He cant believe I've also made plans as it's obvious we were swapping the days apparently?!?
I'm so angry but he's so shit at communicating there is just no point so I'll have DS tomorrow instead. So I've got from 3pm today until 10am in the morning child free.
AIBU to think that's absolutely shit???

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 18/02/2023 15:02

It’s annoying but just get it going 3 weeks from now.

Polarbearyfairy · 18/02/2023 15:06

I would have assumed he'd have him for the Sunday as usual too.

I wouldn't pick a fight but make sure it's understood by both of you what the arrangements actually are.

How long since you separated? It can take a while for this to all settle down. Co parenting is not fun, but I've always found it best to set expectations in writing and don't enter into any back and forth. 10 yrs on I'd say we're just about there....

JupiterFortified · 18/02/2023 15:07

He’s agreed to what you asked (ie overnight every third Saturday) and it just sounds like there’s been a bit of miscommunication. As the previous poster said, just try to get it going from the next time he does the Saturday overnight.

I’m not really sure why you’re so angry. It’s certainly not something I’d be throwing my toys out the pram over unless there’s a massive backstory.

p.s. “With his new gf ofc” surely isn’t relevant and makes you sound a bit bitter.

MrsBunnyEars · 18/02/2023 15:10

Did you discuss this properly or did you both assume something different?

Original poster

lemonmama · 18/02/2023 15:10

I suppose I am bitter because he’s putting his new girlfriend first before his little boy.
There isn’t a huge backstory, no, except him trying to spend as little time with his son as possible since meeting someone new. I guess that would make most people feel bitter towards their ex.

OP posts:

Tothemoonandbackx · 18/02/2023 15:36

Wouldn't it be easier for him to change his plans with his gf so he can be with his own son. If I was the gf and knew my other half had shirked out of childcare for his kids to spend time with me, I'd be mortified.

Original poster

lemonmama · 18/02/2023 15:49

I agree, but no he wouldn’t do that.
So I’ve got my son back at 10am tomorrow. I just dont feel like it’s fair but I can’t seem to get that through to him.
Of course I’ve cancelled my plans and I’ll still have a lovely Sunday with my son but feel that’s beside the point.

OP posts:

MuggleMe · 18/02/2023 17:39

I can see how he'd willfully not clarify and assume it was a swap, but I presume you said do you want to start taking him overnight on Saturday 'too' rather than 'instead of'. I'm sure there's lots of reasons why he's an ex. Deep breath but re-clarify and see if he would start doing Saturday overnight as an extra. Does he pay maintenance?

MissMaple82 · 18/02/2023 18:21

The thing is, you need to treat men like they are stupid, because 95% of the time, they are stupid, so you need to clarify every minute detail, otherwise you're fucked!

AllOfThemWitches · 18/02/2023 18:24

Tothemoonandbackx · 18/02/2023 15:36

Yup, fuck that.

AllOfThemWitches · 18/02/2023 18:26

lemonmama · 18/02/2023 15:49

You're allowed to be disappointed that you never get a night 'off' so to speak. His dad sounds useless, he should have jumped at the chance to spend extra time with his child.

laundryschmaundry · 18/02/2023 18:30

Why didn't you stand your ground and say sorry, I have plans and won't be here so you will need to drop him at 6pm as per usual.

anyoneanyoneanyone · 18/02/2023 18:31

Wtf my daughter goes 3pm until 12 Sunday every two weeks and it's too much! With 4 hours in the week. And I miss her.

newwings · 18/02/2023 18:32

I'm a stubborn cow and I would have cut my nose to spite my face insisting with fake friendly sarcasm that he need not have said child at all this weekend of it helps ex with him having nice plans and all. Ordinarily if dad was hands on and willing I would support always but if I have to force my child onto their own father then fuck him I would bide my time and struggle. Imagine if your child knew you have to barter over who has him. Yes you deserve a break but can grand parents help instead?

I hate fathers like this because when they are bored and lonely they soon remember their kids before their dick.

anyoneanyoneanyone · 18/02/2023 18:33

Your post reads as bitter that he's having time out

Hesma · 18/02/2023 18:33

You need to be super clear and spell it out otherwise I get where he’s coming from

Starseeking · 18/02/2023 18:38

MissMaple82 · 18/02/2023 18:21

The thing is, you need to treat men like they are stupid, because 95% of the time, they are stupid, so you need to clarify every minute detail, otherwise you're fucked!

This is how I treat my EXDP. Plus everything in writing (email, not WhatsApp) always.

One thing my EXDP does he will never say he is cancelling the dates he does, when he does. He just leaves it to me to decipher from the fact that he'll skip a fortnight when referencing the next time he will have his DC, meaning that instead of 4 days in a month, he reduces to 2 days, but he doesn't want to come and say it explicitly.

Cancel your Sunday plans and suck it up this time OP, and make sure there's no wriggle room next time. It's rubbish, but as the primary parent (primary in that you have your DC the vast majority of the time), there's not a lot you can do about your EX messing about with days, or pretending he's misunderstood arrangements.

Good luck.

Ponderingwindow · 18/02/2023 18:43

Put schedule changes in writing. If there is a permanent schedule change, don’t just send that one, send the full schedule again with the change highlighted. That way there is never any possibility of argument over what was said.

it’s the same approach to take with a difficult boss or coworker. Try to have all conversations in writing. When you can’t, summarize the conversation and send it in writing afterwards.

RunningFromInsanity · 18/02/2023 19:05

There was no need to cancel your plans, you can still have your night out tonight.
You’re just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And your comment about him seeing his son as little as possible, 4 times a week is a fair amount! Plus being flexible and agreeing to a change in schedule (albeit with a misunderstanding(

Original poster

lemonmama · 18/02/2023 19:09

He sees his son 4 times a week because that's when I ask him to because I work in the week and need the childcare. If I didn't push it he wouldn't have him at all.

OP posts:

namechange3394 · 18/02/2023 19:14

RunningFromInsanity · 18/02/2023 19:05

There was no need to cancel your plans, you can still have your night out tonight.
You’re just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And your comment about him seeing his son as little as possible, 4 times a week is a fair amount! Plus being flexible and agreeing to a change in schedule (albeit with a misunderstanding(

I assume OP meant she'd cancelled her tomorrow plans, not her night out?

Original poster

lemonmama · 19/02/2023 08:40

Yes I meant I'd cancelled my plans for today (Sunday). I'll speak to him this morning and make sure he knows for next time. He might somehow get confused again though! Will see..

OP posts:

CanofCant · 19/02/2023 08:53

RunningFromInsanity · 18/02/2023 19:05

There was no need to cancel your plans, you can still have your night out tonight.
You’re just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

And your comment about him seeing his son as little as possible, 4 times a week is a fair amount! Plus being flexible and agreeing to a change in schedule (albeit with a misunderstanding(

Do you really think that a few hours four times a week is a fair amount?! If your children didn't live with you and you saw them that little you'd be okay with that?

It's fucking pathetic and he sounds useless OP. YANBU to feel pissed off and disappointed.

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