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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think a friendship between us is now impossible ?

23 replies

Dobermann · 18/02/2023 14:49

I recently got back in touch with my ex (we’re both in our early 30s and dated about 4 years ago). Basically he got in touch with me this year to ask for a catch up. We ended up hanging out a few times, literally just as friends. It was established that we were both very immature in the relationship and the breakup was needed. All good.

Yesterday, he said he didn’t want me to talk to him about “anyone you’re dating or used to date” because he would find it “weird”. Fair enough. He then told me he hadn’t slept with anyone else since we split up.

I just don’t think I can continue this friendship on this basis - like, no room for honesty at all. I was in a LTR with someone else up until last Christmas, a big part of my life and I can’t even mention it. How can you be friends with someone you can’t share your life with?

OP posts:
Luredbyapomegranate · 18/02/2023 14:59

I don’t know why you’d want to?

You’ve said yourself it was an immature relationship and he sounds still very much in that place. Just let it go.

alpenguin · 18/02/2023 15:09

I’ve said you’re not being unreasonable because you’re not forced to have a friendship with anyone for any reason.

I have a good friendship with my ex (together ten years from teenagers) now but it’s only really 20 years after we split that I felt comfortable talking about any romantic relationships since him. There was a degree of awkwardness about it but it went away as we grew up and as the distance between us as a couple grew bigger.

My current partner never talks about his exes, ever. I know nothing about his previous relationships. He talks about his life experiences just not anything that involves them. I do find it odd but it’s his way.

It depends on whether you have a good friendship otherwise? Do you tell everyone you’re pals with when you’re dating someone?

ChristmasFluff · 18/02/2023 16:14

I always used to say that in general it's best to leave a gap of about 20 years before being friends with an ex (because there will still be romantic feelings on one side at least), but then I found out even that isn't necessarily long enough.

It's not a true friendship if there are still romantic feelings on either side.

You are completely right, OP, and I'm sure you have plenty of other friends and don't need this complication.

There's this myth that it's mature to be friends with exes. Actually, it's mature to be able to fully move on, give eachother time to process, and become your own people. 20 years usually does it.

WhineWhineWINE · 18/02/2023 16:15

Doesn't sound like he's done much growing up since you split. Friends can talk about their relationships, he doesn't want to just be your friend.

MsMarch · 18/02/2023 16:20

Well, of course you can't be friends with this man. He doesn't want to be friends. he wants to date again. And you're clearly not in the same place. so he's implementing weird control tactics anyway.

Run away. This isn't a friendship. This is just giving him material for his wank bank or something.

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 18/02/2023 16:24

He wants to get back with you. Remember why he's an ex.

Original poster
Dobermann · 18/02/2023 18:26

This is just giving him material for his wank bank or something.

What does this mean??

OP posts:
Original poster
Dobermann · 18/02/2023 18:30

I don’t think he wants to get back with me, that’s not what I was getting at. I think it’s just him being really awkward and maybe juvenile about the situation. It’s clear we can be really good friends, we have a lot of shared interests. But I can’t deal with comments about him last sleeping with me 🙄 what kind of response does he want there.

OP posts:
ComfortablyDazed · 18/02/2023 18:33

OP, I think you’re being naive.

He’s telling you he hasn’t slept with anyone since you and doesn’t want to hear about anyone you’re dating or have dated?

He wants to get back together with you.

So, no. You can’t be friends.

GoodChat · 18/02/2023 18:55

Yep he absolutely wants to get back with you and it'd never work out even if you wanted it to.

Grizzledstrawberry · 18/02/2023 19:00

Yes he wants to get back with you, or he wouldn't be jealous about you sleeping with someone else. And as someone who got back with their ex, don't do it, they are a ex for a reason and all those reasons are still there the second time around.

Original poster
Dobermann · 18/02/2023 19:45

I have no desire to get back with him, genuinely. I thought we could be friends, but obviously doesn’t seem a good idea now.

The sex comment was brought up because he was talking about his friend who cheated on his wife. My ex was saying how he can’t speak to him anymore, then he said why’s everyone obsessed with casual sex, I’ve not had sex with anyone since we broke up. So it was kinda relevant/not just him saying you’re the last person I slept with kinda thing

OP posts:
River82 · 18/02/2023 20:54

He wants to get back together with you, not be friends. You need to end contact if you want different things.

I still speak to an ex I dated on and off up to 2012. I bumped into him when I was walking home from work a few years ago. I've met him twice since and we speak on the phone maybe once a year.

It's nice and he's open about who he's dated and vice versa.

However, he has said at various points he wants to get back together. I don't. In a weird turning of the tables, I got over it (I chased after him from 17 - 26) and have had two serious relationships in the past decade.

He still whatsapps me every few days (for months) asking to meet up. He's tried to match me on bumble.

I can't meet him until he's over it really. At least I'd never go to his flat or drink with him.

River82 · 18/02/2023 20:56

Grizzledstrawberry · 18/02/2023 19:00

Yes he wants to get back with you, or he wouldn't be jealous about you sleeping with someone else. And as someone who got back with their ex, don't do it, they are a ex for a reason and all those reasons are still there the second time around.

Not always the case. I have a friend (male) who got back with an ex a few years later. Years on they live together and have a son.

Original poster
Dobermann · 18/02/2023 21:25

River82 · 18/02/2023 20:54

He wants to get back together with you, not be friends. You need to end contact if you want different things.

I still speak to an ex I dated on and off up to 2012. I bumped into him when I was walking home from work a few years ago. I've met him twice since and we speak on the phone maybe once a year.

It's nice and he's open about who he's dated and vice versa.

However, he has said at various points he wants to get back together. I don't. In a weird turning of the tables, I got over it (I chased after him from 17 - 26) and have had two serious relationships in the past decade.

He still whatsapps me every few days (for months) asking to meet up. He's tried to match me on bumble.

I can't meet him until he's over it really. At least I'd never go to his flat or drink with him.

We have similar stories… I’m just confused because since the breakup, he’s started speaking to me and then drifted off after a few months.. always comes back and acts like he’s never been away. That was fine to me because he’s not accountable to me at all, and I just spoke when he spoke.

I guess I don’t want to end a friendship prematurely without talking about what our expectations are? Is that really stupid!

OP posts:
TaRaDeBumDeAy · 18/02/2023 21:43

He's probably drifting back when between girlfriends and trying to hit you up as a booty call, or keep you on a back burner.

ReadersD1gest · 18/02/2023 21:46

It’s clear we can be really good friends
No, it really isn't.

Rodneyisaplonker · 18/02/2023 21:52

He’s weird, best to run. Genuinely, no one needs the weirdos.

River82 · 18/02/2023 21:52

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 18/02/2023 21:43

He's probably drifting back when between girlfriends and trying to hit you up as a booty call, or keep you on a back burner.

I wouldn't say that. He might be trying the No Contact method in between to see if OP misses him, or just trying and failing to get over it.

Men can be romantic too. I have male friends who miss their ex-girlfriends years after they've broken up, despite having short flings with other women since.

Honey83 · 18/02/2023 21:57

The sex comment was brought up because he was talking about his friend who cheated on his wife. My ex was saying how he can’t speak to him anymore, then he said why’s everyone obsessed with casual sex, I’ve not had sex with anyone since we broke up.

This doesn't seem believable. For 4 years in his late 20s/early 30s? Seems like something he said to just to bring the memory up of you two as a couple and to see what you said.

River82 · 18/02/2023 22:08

Honey83 · 18/02/2023 21:57

The sex comment was brought up because he was talking about his friend who cheated on his wife. My ex was saying how he can’t speak to him anymore, then he said why’s everyone obsessed with casual sex, I’ve not had sex with anyone since we broke up.

This doesn't seem believable. For 4 years in his late 20s/early 30s? Seems like something he said to just to bring the memory up of you two as a couple and to see what you said.

Some men aren't that into sex, or just like it in meaningful relationships.

Original poster
Dobermann · 18/02/2023 23:01

I’ve never slept with him outside the relationship we had, I wouldn’t be a very lucrative booty call 😂 we spend most of our time talking and walking!

OP posts:
Cheeriochoc · 18/02/2023 23:05

No anytime I’ve tried to remain friends with an ex it hasn’t worked because they’ve always wanted more. I think 9 times out of 10 if you’ve had any sort of more than platonic relationship with a man the only reason you hear from them again is because they are after something.

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