Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to end it now?

42 replies

RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:09

Backstory- I have been with DP for 4 years, we have a 2 year old DS and I have children from a previous relationship. I woke up this morning to DP telling two of the kids they can’t have TV tonight, this was then changed to they have to earn it from now on. I came downstairs and asked him why and he said he was sick of them being loud in the morning. I disagreed with him (away from the kids) which resulted in him slamming a cupboard door and shouting at me. I then made the comment “I’m surprised any of them like you with the way you shout at them all the time.” He then said if I wanted to play games then to watch. A few mins later he said “When you said you were fat yesterday you were right. You’re a fat, horrible, ugly grotter!” He said this whilst looking me straight in the eye and his face matched how he was speaking. He knew this would absolutely break me, I’m a 12/14 but have a mum pouch that I can’t shift and everything I wear looks awful, he bought me a hoodie that is quite fitted and I was horrified at myself in it yesterday and made the comment I was fat. He’s then used this against me today, he knows full well I have very low self esteem and this has been an evident struggle throughout our relationship. He has since said “I’m sorry for what I said, I didn’t mean it and I only said it to hurt you.” Straight after he had said it I told him there was no coming back from this and I wanted him out today.

OP posts:
Tiswa · 18/02/2023 08:11

No but you should have ended it when he was awful to your children

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 08:11

End it now.
He doesn’t get to treat your kids that way, or speak to you that way.

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 18/02/2023 08:13

You know the answer. Stay strong. You can do this.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 18/02/2023 08:14

He’s horrible to your children and he was nasty to you because you dared question him. Not a relationship I’d enjoy.

CrystalCoco · 18/02/2023 08:16

Regular charmer you've got there OP.

Unforgivable and so so nasty, I would be surprised if this was his first offence.

You know what to do and you know you and DC will be all the better for it xx

GracePooleslaugh · 18/02/2023 08:16

Get rid, you'll lose 12 stone instantly and feel better for it.

FlowersareEverything · 18/02/2023 08:17

Yes, tell him to leave. You need to go protect your children .

ArticSaviour · 18/02/2023 08:19

GracePooleslaugh · 18/02/2023 08:16

Get rid, you'll lose 12 stone instantly and feel better for it.

This, totally

RealBecca · 18/02/2023 08:19

He is with you BECAUSE you have low self esteem and are easy to bully. Sorry bit its true.

Well done you for deciding that you and you kids deserve better from today on.

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:19

Yep end it.
My DH and I have come close to breaking up twice in our relationship. These times were stressful and we argued. However never once did either of us speak to eachother in that manner. It’s really crossing a line to speak to someone like that.

I agree the relationship is over.

toptail22 · 18/02/2023 08:19

You know what to do.

nutellalover23 · 18/02/2023 08:22

Horrible

Why is he shouting at 2 young children about who gets the TV he sounds like a loser get rid of him you will be happier on your own. Hope u are ok

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:32

Thank you all for being kind, I’m feeling very fragile right now. I agree it is not his first offence and it should have been ended a while ago. The problem
is he refuses to leave and the police will not remove him. I’ve tried this before. I cannot leave the house, I have 7 kids so staying with family/friends is not an option. He will not do the decent thing and leave, my mum begged him once. The police have previously said he has every right to be here and only removed him that night because he had been drinking, they made it clear that once he was sober he was free to return. These days they do nothing unless there’s been physical harm. Anyone have any ideas of how I can move forward with this. I know it needs to be done but I have no idea how to get around the obstacles.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 08:34

So you’re not married, do you own or rent ?

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:36

have you tried calling the national women’s aid helpline. He’s abusive and they might have specialist advice around getting people out of your home. I assume it will depends on who has ownership/tenancy etc.

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:36

KangarooKenny · 18/02/2023 08:34

So you’re not married, do you own or rent ?

Not married, private rent but both names are on the tenancy. I’ve lived here for years but his name had to be added because of UC, they wouldn’t accept a tenancy without his name on too.

OP posts:
Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:41

A brief look at women’s aid website shows a few routes to managing joint tenancy situations.
Presumably the police will have record of attending your address and you might have some texts etc that prove his verbal abuse? If so maybe you can apply for an order to get him out the home?

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:52

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 08:41

A brief look at women’s aid website shows a few routes to managing joint tenancy situations.
Presumably the police will have record of attending your address and you might have some texts etc that prove his verbal abuse? If so maybe you can apply for an order to get him out the home?

Yes I should imagine they will as he was removed by them that night. I’ve had a look at the link but it all looks very confusing, maybe it’s just my state of mind right now. I have a local group I can contact for help after a quick FB search. I have texts that could support any application I make to a court to hve him removed. Thank you.

OP posts:
SeriouslyLTB · 18/02/2023 08:57

Oh OP, he sounds absolutely awful.

It may be difficult, and you will need to steel yourself for more horribleness, but you will feel SO MUCH BETTER once you’re free.

And - whilst this is massively irrelevant because you are allowed to take up whatever space you want - at size 12-14 unless you’re 4 foot I doubt you look fat at all.

💐

Bunny2607 · 18/02/2023 09:03

my ex used to hurl insults at me whenever we fell out. calling me fat ugly etc. eventually i got sick of it and took me and my son and got out of there. He still throws insults now
whenever we disagree on something which isn’t often now, but its made me realise he never would have changed if i’d stayed. I personally couldn’t be with someone like your partner so my advice is to get out of there as everyone else has said. You shouldn’t be with someone who uses you against you. He picked the one thing he knows you are conscious of, and used it against you. Even if you do have a mum pouch then he should honour your body for giving him his children!! Fwiw i would kill to be a size 12/14 so straighten your crown lady!

Zippidydoda · 18/02/2023 09:05

RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 08:52

Yes I should imagine they will as he was removed by them that night. I’ve had a look at the link but it all looks very confusing, maybe it’s just my state of mind right now. I have a local group I can contact for help after a quick FB search. I have texts that could support any application I make to a court to hve him removed. Thank you.

Show quote history

Oh I can imagine it is all a bit overwhelming. Can you contact women’s aid to ask for the local woman support services. I wonder if there might be some kind of support worker who could help you though the process.

Honestly you’d think the police would have left you with some basic information.

whatever happens I hope it works out for you. Sounds like a really difficult spot to be in.

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 18/02/2023 09:12

Can you contact the landlord or estate agents and ask for him to be removed from the tenancy? You will need to check if you are allowed to do that. As I'm not 100%

When is the next renewal? Take him off then and send him packing.

Original poster
RaindropDreams · 18/02/2023 09:24

Imthegingerbreadwoman · 18/02/2023 09:12

Can you contact the landlord or estate agents and ask for him to be removed from the tenancy? You will need to check if you are allowed to do that. As I'm not 100%

When is the next renewal? Take him off then and send him packing.

It can’t legally be done sadly, I’ve looked into this before. Landlord would always keep me as the tenant I have no doubt. It would have to go through a court process to have him removed. Im on a rolling tenancy so there’s no renewal date as such. I wonder if I could speak to the landlord though and ask that he give him notice to quit. I do worry about the implications of it all in the meantime. This is all so scary but I know there’s no other way. This is never going to change, he’s certainly not my happy ever after either. I can’t bare to be anywhere near him but he’s just acting as normal. I’m going to get the kids ready and go out shortly although our child has chicken pox so he will have to stay home with him 😩

OP posts:
Sandunesandseashells · 18/02/2023 09:28

I would ignore his presence, don’t do anything for him, no shopping, cooking or clothes washing. Don’t make conversation with him and answer with fewest words possible. Tell the children who are not his that they do not have to do anything he says because you are no longer a couple and hopefully he will be gone soon - I’d do that in his presence.

Separate bank accounts and live separately although under the same roof if he refuses to leave. Make him feel lonely, unwanted and a nuisance whenever he is home. I would start ‘disappearing’ stuff of his that is left lying around to the bin too; he can keep it all out of your way or lose it. He will try to outstay his welcome but in reality no-one wants to live where they are unwanted.