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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Support for adult son with additional needs

18 replies

Foreverandalwaysever · 18/02/2023 01:06

Recently separated from my husband. Our adult son now lives with me.
Am I being unreasonable to expect ex husband to commit to one day/night a week for our son to stay with him?
He will not agree to this and prefers to keep to an ad hoc approach.
It may well turn out to be once a week that he sees him, but this is not always the case.
My view is that it's better to have a set day, then we all know where we stand.
And it helps me to plan for a break/respite.
Ex H will not compromise at all on this, saying he has plans and has to think about it.
He makes me feel guilty, saying stuff like, "this is what you wanted" (separation and for our son to live with me).
To me, he's inflexible as always.
He works part time and I am a carer for my son.
It's his attitude that gets.to me.
Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverandalwaysever · 18/02/2023 07:58

Please can you give me advice?
What do you think?

OP posts:
ijphoo · 18/02/2023 08:05

Hello @Foreverandalwaysever ,

I can really empathise with you. I am separated from my husband (we are still married, but live apart) and our youngest son (21) lives with me. Our youngest son has additional needs and serious MH problems.

Over time, my husband has had less and less interaction with our son, and the result is that our son is hostile towards his father. I try to be the 'go between' but our son feels rejected.

By choosing not to be involved with your son, your husband is risking losing the relationship he has with him. Is that what your husband wants?

clpsmum · 18/02/2023 08:36

Your ex is using your son to control you. Does your son have the capacity to express his wishes? I have three DC one with extreme learning difficulties among other things and their dad was like this. It all got messy and as a result ended up in court. He is now not allowed any access to them and they have no relationship with him. Much harder when your son is an adult though. Your ex doesn't deserve to be a father I'm glad your son has you

Daleksatemyshed · 18/02/2023 09:14

I understand why you want a regular day Op but your ex isn't going to accept that, and I don't see anyway you can make him agree to it. Your ex is still huffing about the break up so maybe you'd be better to stop asking, if it's the one thing he knows you want it's the one way he thinks he can get his own back.

Velvetbee · 18/02/2023 09:39

You left because he was an arse. He’s still an arse.
As PP wrote, maybe reverse psychology will work. Back off, then occasionally mention what a brilliant time you’re having with your son.
Sorry your ex is so arse-like. Thank goodness your son has a lovely mum.

Nevermind31 · 18/02/2023 09:49

Your Ex wants to see son - oh sorry, he has plans.
you want to come over? Oh sorry, I have plans, but I can ask son if he would rather go to yours than stay here.
he has time on Tuesday next week I think.

you don’t have to give in to ad hoc days that suit your husband, or still be controlled.
alternatively… drive past Ex’s house and if in, leave son with him because “he really wanted to see you”

qpmz · 18/02/2023 11:18

You completely deserve respite and I would be starting at 50/50 not one measly day a week. Your ex is totally unreasonable.

qpmz · 18/02/2023 11:19

Daleksatemyshed · 18/02/2023 09:14

I understand why you want a regular day Op but your ex isn't going to accept that, and I don't see anyway you can make him agree to it. Your ex is still huffing about the break up so maybe you'd be better to stop asking, if it's the one thing he knows you want it's the one way he thinks he can get his own back.

Why should the ex get a choice in the matter but the op doesn't?

CAJIE · 18/02/2023 11:24

Hang on a minute.We do not know the reasons for the separation but making it the mans fault all the time gets us nowhere.The husband is angry and acting out.Not necessarily an arse.Sometimes women think they are better at parenting and in the end men think oh well let them.He may well calm down and cooperate.He also works.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/02/2023 12:11

@qpmz I'm not saying it's unreasonable for the Op to get to make a choice but how do you suggest she makes her Ex do as she asks? If their son was a child then there could be a legal contact agreement setting out when he saw his DF, but he's an adult and the courts would not get involved.

determinedtomakethiswork · 18/02/2023 13:34

It should be 50-50, there's no way he should be offloading the care of an adult child on to you. Do you anticipate your child staying with you for many years, or do you think there might be some opportunity for him to live independently?

clpsmum · 18/02/2023 13:35

CAJIE · 18/02/2023 11:24

Hang on a minute.We do not know the reasons for the separation but making it the mans fault all the time gets us nowhere.The husband is angry and acting out.Not necessarily an arse.Sometimes women think they are better at parenting and in the end men think oh well let them.He may well calm down and cooperate.He also works.

The man is messing his disabled son about and refusing to parent correctly this makes him an arse. It doesn't matter how hurt he is

Hesma · 18/02/2023 15:03

I would have thought a routine would be better for your son. It is for most people.

Original poster
Foreverandalwaysever · 18/02/2023 15:32

Thank you for all your messages and helpful advice.
Reassuring to me, as I've said most of these things too.
I'll try to reply soon

OP posts:
Original poster
Foreverandalwaysever · 18/02/2023 20:06

When I try to discuss with him, he always has an answer and I just give up trying to explain.
He makes me feel guilty.
He does see our son, but always seems to be on his terms and he has to think about it or get back to me.
He works a few days but not full time.
I'm the main carer for our son.
Even so, for many reasons, I would like him to agree to a set time.
And for many of the reasons you've all mentioned above.
Do you think he is aware he is controlling?
As in other contexts, he won't fully commit or say yes straight away.
It seems like a power struggle. I want to reach a deal and discuss things.
He makes it all so difficult when it doesn't need to be.
When I mention that other people think he should sort it out with me and have a set day, he gets cross and says who are they? What the f do they know!
I never know what to say.

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 18/02/2023 20:07

You treat this like you would a child. He has son every other weekend and at least a day during the week. Tell him you have a life too

clpsmum · 18/02/2023 23:33

Op he absolutely knows what he is doing. DO NOT feel guilty. He is the one that feels guilty. Your son is lucky to have such a lovely mum x

Original poster
Foreverandalwaysever · 18/02/2023 23:47

Thank you.
It's so difficult.
I want my son to be with me.
I adore him and understand him more than anyone.
And I get Carer's Allowance.
And my ex H says "this is what you wanted..." and then I feel conflicted.
But another part of me sometimes wants a little break.
And I feel that they should spend time together, for lots of reasons.
My son is unable to live alone and I do worry about the future, yes.
I wanted this to be all sorted before we divorced, but it wasn't.
He wouldn't agree.
He sees him and takes him out, but it's all a bit irregular and random.
He always talks me into defeat if you know what I mean.

OP posts:
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