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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About dc and ex-fil's will?

27 replies

pinotnow · 17/02/2023 14:30

Ex fil died last year and ex inherited as the sole inheritor. I have an on-going case with ex about CM arrears and his lack of ever paying for anything. As a result I looked at a copy of the will online and was shocked to see that if ex had pre-deceased his father then the money would have gone to charity. I am completely stunned by this and actually feel quite sick about it. Ex never provided for the dc, which his dad knew, though I assume ex would have spun him some shit as well, but he would have known ex never provided as he never has money. And fil got on well with the dc and saw them regularly.

I know it's nothing to do with me and didn't happen anyway, but aibu to feel this was a horrid thing to do? I just can't stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 17/02/2023 14:33

The apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it?
You can now bring your children up without their influence, hopefully.

Northernlurker · 17/02/2023 14:34

Ex fil was obvs worried if he left the money to the kids you might benefit. That's how petty these men are. You are well out of it.

Dartmoorcheffy · 17/02/2023 14:34

Was the will written before your children were born or after?

Original poster
pinotnow · 17/02/2023 14:44

Will was written recently (dc are teens). I always thought ex-fil was a nice man and he and I got on quite well during the marriage, though I obviously didn't see him after. I can't believe he would be so against the idea of me benefitting indirectly in some way that he'd deprive the dc.

OP posts:
Mindymomo · 17/02/2023 14:48

Your ex probably persuaded him change his will, it’s sad but his priorities lay with his son and they must have got advice as leaving a will like this, someone would have had to explain how it worked.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/02/2023 14:52

Because he didnt want the money to go to you(r) household

Pemba · 17/02/2023 15:12

Does your ex have any siblings, were there other grand children through them and were all these left anything? No spouse?

I would feel the same as you, that's just nasty. He could always have left it in trust til your DCs were older if he disliked the thought of it benefiting you, even directly.
I wonder what your ex was saying to him? People are so weird with their wills, I knew a woman, middle aged with children, her parents left everything to her single childless brother. Because sexism I suppose, her parents thought she should rely completely on her husband. And her brother didn't do anything to even it out AFAIK. An English family culturally.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 17/02/2023 15:13

That is piss poor. Easy to put money in trust until dc are of age.
I would be like you. It would change my view of him.

Iknownononono · 17/02/2023 15:15

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 17/02/2023 15:13

That is piss poor. Easy to put money in trust until dc are of age.
I would be like you. It would change my view of him.

And who would the trustee be? Almost always would be OP. Not to mention, if they all agreed then they could override the terms of the trust too. He didn’t want OP to get his money - the fact she even looked is quite telling. Not to mention, this is all a load of upset over a situation that hasn’t even happened and now cannot happen.

BumpySkull · 17/02/2023 15:18

Why were you looking at the will? Your explanation in the OP doesn’t make any sense - why would you need to see the will just because you have a CM case going on? It doesn’t tell you anything - the sole inheritor could’ve been given absolutely nothing if the estate was in debt.

Shouldbedoing · 17/02/2023 15:23

I can absolutely understand why she would look up the will. She wants to know how much money the man who doesn't pay for his kids has come into.

Holly60 · 17/02/2023 15:27

There is a thread going on elsewhere where a child free lady has asked who people are planning on leaving their money to in their will. She has stated she won't leave it to her nieces and nephews and lots of people have suggested charities.

I didn't see anyone accuse her of being selfish and a horrible person for doing this.

It's really interesting how different threads can get such different responses.

I'm sure people will say this is different because they are his grandchildren, but the lady also had close relatives who she was planning on cutting out of her will (her niblings). I can't see much of a difference.

FWIW I think both scenarios are awful. I think your FIL should have left money for his grandchilden, and I think childfree lady should leave money to her nieces and nephews. But people are weird...

Original poster
pinotnow · 17/02/2023 15:29

Yes, I looked at the will because he started flashing cash a bit around the dc (not buying anything useful of course -still left all that to me). That doesn't mean I would take money off the dc ffs.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/02/2023 19:11

No-one has to leave anything to anyone, though. There’s no birthright.

TeapotCollection · 17/02/2023 19:16

@Holly60 that’s me, and if you read the thread properly they aren’t close relatives, I said very clearly that I barely know them

OP here has said XFIL got on well with her children and saw them regularly, just not the same at all

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/02/2023 19:21

I think childfree lady should leave money to her nieces and nephews. But people are weird...

I posted on that thread that I'd be leaving money to DB and to charities, despite the fact that I have two nephews and a niece. I won't be leaving them money for a number of reasons

  1. As one poster has said there's no birthright to be left money and no should
  2. DB cut contact with me for years and has only just resumed it. As a result I haven't met his children (now 15 and 19) and I can't imagine I will, as it would be a mite embarrassing for him to have to explain that they have an aunt they have never met and the reasons why (which I suspect are SIL related, but are only suspicions.) I'm not even sure if they know I exist. Plus, their DM's family is very well off (will be paying for uni fees and probably giving them money for property).
  3. Other DN lives the other side of the world and though an agreeable young man sees no reason whatever to keep in touch. Plus his DF (other DB) did rather well out of our late DM when she was alive. He is more than able to provide for DN.
journeyofinsanity · 17/02/2023 20:29

DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/02/2023 19:11

No-one has to leave anything to anyone, though. There’s no birthright.

Missing the point spectacularly

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/02/2023 21:17

journeyofinsanity · 17/02/2023 20:29

Missing the point spectacularly

Show quote history

Which is what? no-one's entitled to someone else's money.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 17/02/2023 21:26

No no one is entitled to someone else's money, but usually people want to help their family and descendants.

Viviennemary · 17/02/2023 21:30

I agree he didn't want any money to come to your household. Which is understandable from your fil's point of view. I don't think it's horrid at all.

Dacadactyl · 17/02/2023 21:35

Viviennemary · 17/02/2023 21:30

I agree he didn't want any money to come to your household. Which is understandable from your fil's point of view. I don't think it's horrid at all.

They are his grandchildren. I would have put it in trust for my grandkids if I was his shoes so they could have access to the money when they were old enough.

Original poster
pinotnow · 17/02/2023 22:23

I'm shocked some people agree with him. I can't imagine cutting my GC out (not that I have any yet) on the off chance that my ex s/dil may indirectly benefit, especially if that person had never done anything bad to me and had been financially supporting my GC alone for years while my adult child did nothing. Just seems small-minded and spiteful to me. And people saying no one has the right to inherit or whatever, ok, but he left to his son - understandable but the guy has made a lot of mistakes in life by any standards, even a parent would have to admit, then cuts his innocent GC out.

OP posts:
DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/02/2023 22:32

pinotnow · 17/02/2023 22:23

I'm shocked some people agree with him. I can't imagine cutting my GC out (not that I have any yet) on the off chance that my ex s/dil may indirectly benefit, especially if that person had never done anything bad to me and had been financially supporting my GC alone for years while my adult child did nothing. Just seems small-minded and spiteful to me. And people saying no one has the right to inherit or whatever, ok, but he left to his son - understandable but the guy has made a lot of mistakes in life by any standards, even a parent would have to admit, then cuts his innocent GC out.

But of course he doesn’t want you to indirectly benefit, is that really so hard for you to understand?

You seem to indicate that he might want to right the wrongs of his son. That’s not his responsibility.

Penguinsaregreat · 17/02/2023 22:43

I agree with Mamabear the apple does not fall far from the tree.

Dacadactyl · 17/02/2023 22:45

@DrMarciaFieldstone how does her children coming into money benefit the OP?

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