To stay or go - AIBU to go - housing and relationship

[NeverMindThatPie]

would appreciate any advice on either situation, one housing, and one relationship. I'll try to be short.

1. Housing. I live with my sons and our dog in a three bedroom semi detached in a village not far from Edinburgh. It is private rented, LL has discussed possibly selling this year, then said she wasn't selling for another year. Rents have risen astronomically, anything similar to what we have now would be an Increase of around £500 a month. Since being a single parent I have got an honours and Masters degree, so only in the last year have I started to earn, but I only work 30 hours, mainly due to my sons ASD. Our current set up is good, we live next to my sons primary school, there's fields all around for the dog, and my eldest DS gets school bus to HS. We have lived here for nearly 9 years, but now of course it feels Insecure.

I have the option of moving into a relatives flat in Edinburgh (and paying rent), it is in a good school catchment, large rooms and there is green space around. It is only a two bedroom with box room, I thought I could give my sons the bedrooms and I set something up in the living room and have my desk in the box room. The flat will likely be sold within the next 5 to 7 years, at which point I should get 10% of the sale price (this has been discussed). The children (12&8) will hate for moving, and likely the dog.

1. Relationship. I have been single for about 6 years. I recently started dating a man 13 years older, with no children. His life is less "full" than mine, He is Insecure and anxiously attached, but has some good qualities and prioritises our relationship. I feel calm and safe when we are together the majority of the Time, but our time is scarce as my children obviously don't know about him and we seem to have heavy conversations when we are apart which he puts down to missing me so much. Because of this, our relationship has broken down and neither of us quite feel the same buzz we used to. He needs a lot of reassurance, but the more he needs

It the less I want to give it. We have spoken a lot about the trouble, and I every other conversation I feel drained. I have chosen to be single for so long, but the last year or so I've felt I'd really like to meet someone and a partnership, and I'm worried I'm now settling, as I'm mid thirties, and because of the insecurity around housing.

Any advice would be great. Should I go for the flat, and be secure, and should I leave the relationship that or stick it out and see how it goes?

Go for the flat and leave the relationship. He might be a decent fella but it doesn't sound like he's the one for you.

The man question is quite straightforward. He sounds like hard work and he’ll drain you with his insecurities. Ditch.

The housing issue is tricky. I can see the flat becoming a bit like a shared bed sit affair if you aren’t careful. Teenage boys tend to spend a lot of time in their rooms already and unless you’ll really sacrifice having a space of your own it could be hard. And not great for the dog. Are there other options on housing?

Definitely end the relationship.

Not sure about the housing - there must be options other than the current house and the flat.

Other option is we sit and wait for LL to sell house, then private rent somewhere else and pay even more. At least the flat offers security, in an area we know well.

Relationship I was going to end last week, as although I'm upset about it, it feels off, and I feel as though I am becoming responsible for managing another person's feelings, when I already do that for my children and a few unwell relatives.

I'd take the flat. It will give you secure housing for 5 years.
If bedrooms are big you might be able to split one with bookcases for the boys to share?

Ditch the bloke. You need someone who lifts you up not adds to your burdens

I'm with the others...ditch the man and take the flat. But discuss it with the kids first and try to talk through any worries and concerns they may have. Is there the option of your eldest staying at his current school?

The relationship sounds unhealthy and if you've only recently been dating him and it's gone a little sour already then it definitely isn't the right person for you!

Take the flat, swap schools for the boys.

The boys will adjust after time.

Give the boys the rooms (allowing a wardrobe in the larger room for your stuff) and put a sofabed in the living room, or partition the bigger room and have the smaller one for yourself.

Definitely ditch the man or dial down frequency of meeting up if that feels too drastic.

Is the Edinburgh flat only an option if you take it now ? Can you hold on to what you have for now and look at smaller flats in your current area?

Regarding the Edinburgh flat if you do take it then you absolutely need a bedroom. Presumably you could stick a single in the box-room and use the living room or one of boys bedrooms for working.

Will you still get a percentage of the Edinburgh flat - even if you don't move in ?
If so I'd be tempted to hang on where you are or find somewhere cheaper/smaller for now, in the knowledge that you will be getting a cash injection in a few years which will give you more options.

Ditch the relationship.

Can you split the larger bedroom for the boys and take the box room? As your DC are approaching the teen years they may want friends round, so it would be good that you had a space to decamp to.

The flat has two large double bedrooms, I want the boys to have one each. I would sleep in the box room but I'd have nowhere for my desk, so I thought a fold out bed might be better.

If we don't take the flat now, it will go up for sale. I will not get anything financially from the flat unless we are in it at the time of sale.

The boys have quite a big age gap and my eldest really struggles with his brother, them sharing a room just isn't an option

Two large doubles and a box room sounds ideal!

Just get a cabin bed for yourself with a desk underneath.

Ditch the bloke whatever happens.

id move to the flat for now. The 10% might get you a deposit.

With the update the flat sounds like the best choice. Have a look online for some creative ideas to.make the box room work. It could be really cosy.

As for the thr relationship, yes, sadly I think its come to its conclusion. Don't settle for less than you deserve

Take the flat and ditch the man. If your going to sleep in the living room I would strongly suggest a really decent sofa bed because they are horrible to sleep on permanently or look online for some really nice bed/desk options that would work in the box room.

In your shoes, I’d prioritise the housing situation by taking the flat. Housing near Edinburgh is crazily expensive and if you need to stay in that area, I’d accept all the help you’re offered. A single box room isn’t ideal but you may be able to fit a loft bed with a desk in it? www.cuckooland.com/kids-bedrooms/kids-beds/beds-with-desks

The relationship sounds very limited and difficult. If you’re spending the little time you have together calming and reassuring him, I don’t think it’s right for either of you.

I take the flat ditch the bloke and prioritise getting you guys settled x

I'd take the flat. The boys might have to compromise with a shared room if the pull out bed gets tedious but that compromise comes with easy access to Edinburgh. As a teenager a city is far more appealing than a village to most. They'll have more independence.

I know I'm being nosy but I don't quite understand why you have to live in the Edinburgh flat to get any of the proceeds, and how sure are you of that arrangement. Otherwise you could find yourself in the same position of having to find somewhere in 5-7 years in an even more expensive location where the DCs are now settled.

Put a high bed with a desk underneath in the box room. - Could either be for one of the boys or for you.

This kind of thing.
www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/smastad-loft-bed-white-white-with-desk-with-2-shelves-s89520158/
www.ikea.com/gb/en/p/svaerta-loft-bed-frame-silver-colour-20247982/

The flat sounds good.... however I'd be very careful of the sale date and your next move.

You need to be settled and ideally stay in the same place for the boys to do yr9 through to yr11 ideally yr13 in the same place. So if I was moving a 12y old I'd want it to be for 7yrs to see them through exams, but the 8yr old will then be in his exam time so you'd be looking at another 3-4years on that in the same school catchment could you achieve this as a school move in yr10/11 when your 7yrs is up for the 8yr old could be horrendous academically.

I know renters don't choose this insecurity but I'd be wary of moving knowing this was going to happen. Would the relative be up for you being there for 11yrs? Or would the area you are in be more affordable to be able tonstay in the same catchment?

How certain are you that you will get the 10% when the flat sells? Could the family member change their mind?

Is the flat market rent or cheaper?

Once the flat sells, could you afford to rent there (or buy with the 10% deposit) to see your sons through school?

The flat sounds the better option esp as your current landlord intends to sell sometime soon and presumably in a village there are few rental options.

I don't know why we have to be in it, but we do to have access to any of the money of the sale. I think its because I am not a son/daughter of my relative so they are workings out are if I'm not in the flat presumably I have married and moved out and therefore don't require any additional help.

I wouldn't be able to afford the same area by myself when the flat is sold. I want to settle there, but If something happens to the relative, the flat may be sold. Flats in this area start at around £300k for smaller versions and that is not an option for me on my salary.

Relationship, I understand why the consensus is to leave...but it's like I'm waiting for something external to happen to give me the green light, like cheating. I feel guilty thinking that I could ask for me, that I want more.