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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep the all money to myself?

46 replies

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:12

First post on this thread so please be gentle .

I've been left some money by a distant relative-not a fortune but enought for a new car/pay off credit cards etc-enough to make my life a bit better.

But just before my relative died she promised this money to a close long term friend but then never got round to changing her will to make this happen.

So, do I keep the money all to myself knowing its not what my relative wanted or give it away to the friend? Or should I share it? We both seem to have similar lifestyles although I think the friend has more debt than me, we both have children but I have a partner. (Just a bit of background so any advice/opinions are fully informed).

OP posts:

sparklesandwine · 08/02/2008 18:52

people dying and their wills/money can (and often do) bring out the worst in people i'm afraid

i had to solely deal with all of this when my dad died, it was horrendous mainly because my dad didn't have a will though! (typical of him! )

lubyluby · 08/02/2008 18:52

toughy, but i think by giving the other person a portion of the money you are admitting that you feel you are not entitled to it and feel guilty.
i would keep it for yourself as you had no idea that your waunt wanted to change her will and as she had 6 months to chaneg it and didn;t i would assume that she meant it to be for you.
if you do feel guilty about keeping it all, perhaps donate a sum to a charity that you know your aunt would have supported.

Original poster

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:59

It does feel like a minefield TBH. Think I feel for the friend as I know what a difference the money would make to her as much as it would to me-hope that makes sense!

The friend was actually closer to my rel than I was -that doesn't help either.

OP posts:

cherryredretrochick · 08/02/2008 19:01

If you were only told by a third party keep it. Sorry I thought your relative had told you when I first posted. She definatly wanted you to have it or sh woulsd have chanegd the will.

krugerparkrules · 08/02/2008 19:18

I guess the other option (not sure I would do this myself, but perhaps something to consider if you are going to give them a portion/half of the money!) - you could contact the person in question, sit them down and tell them exactly this - that you have been left the money in the will, but you are led to believe that they were promised it, and you are not sure what you are going to do! (
See how they respond, they might even say they dont want any money, or their reaction might confirm that this was true! YOu could even see if they amount they think they were going to be given, matches the money ... perhaps it is even less and it could all work out quite easily that way!
If they were close to your relative and a friend, they might not want anything and could be dealing with their grief of losing a friend.
This way you get it over and done with, honestly and with some transparency and it doesnt come back to haunt you once the debts are paid off! Even if you keep all the money after disussing it with them, you have in some way dealt with it openly, and told them this ....

AngharadGoldenhand · 08/02/2008 20:11

I would respect my relation's wishes and spend it on my family.

She made the decision about the money when she first made the will and presumably she thought long and hard about it.
After all, you don't make a will on a whim, do you?

Wisteria · 08/02/2008 20:18

It's really hard - I would like to think that I would halve it but in reality am not sure whether I would IYSWIM.

At the end of the day the other party may not know how much the legacy was therefore you could just give a token amount as 'a gesture of goodwill'.

On the other hand it would be completely understandable if you kept it, as others have said you don't know what your Aunt's true feelings were and if she felt that strongly she would have made an amendment at the time of offering it..

TheBlonde · 08/02/2008 20:27

Keep the money
You have no proof that your relative intended the money for another person, you are going by what the will said

elfsmum · 08/02/2008 20:31

don't to offend so please don't take this the wrong way

my grandma was a terror for telling people what they were going to be left and who was getting what

promised the same thing to more than one person

I think she was just trying to pacify people or make them feel better (my grandma)

in my family it would be very unlikely to leave money to a friend, so are you sure this just hasn't been a passing conversation where she's said

"oh I'll leave "friend" money"" but not really mean it?

you are family, you were in the will, her clear intentions were to you

you may think the friend was closer but you are family

I am very close to my friend, think of her like a sister, but she isn't in my will as much as I love her

now if I won the lottery i'd definitely help her out

elfsmum · 08/02/2008 20:32

p.s. that was my long winded way of saying keep it

madamez · 08/02/2008 20:35

Who is this 'third party' and what does it have to do with him/her? If it's someone you know well, is he/she likely to be acting out of a wish to help the friend who wasn;t left money, or is he/she a stirrer who loves to cause scenes? If you don;t know the third party very well at all, ignore him/her entirely. SOme people are shit-stirrers and take far too much on themselves.

Original poster

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 21:56

The 3rd party is the friend of the friend and nothing to do with me.

My relative wasn't really one for promising things to people and not following through with the promise so I can see her acting in this way.

Lots to ponder on...

OP posts:

TheBlonde · 09/02/2008 07:46

hmm I wouldn't trust a friend of the person who stands to gain from this

but your relative didn't follow through and thus the will left everything to you
You are not responsible for 'looking after' the interests of your relative's friend

Look after your own children first and keep the money

nospringchicken · 09/02/2008 09:30

The 3rd party intervention is very unsavoury. can you imagine being that 3rd party and saying to somebody in your shoes "Ooh, Aunty XXX has gone now. Shame she didn't manage to change her will to leave YYY to "Sally". So what are you going to do about it ?"

Gross and intrusive. You just wouldn't do it would you ? yes, you might think at most, but even pity Sally was left out, but there you go.

alfiesbabe · 09/02/2008 10:22

elfsmum I agree with you that some people sadly make life very difficult by being at best, vague when making their will, or at worst, down right manipulative. I had a maiden aunt who did this - forever falling in and out with various family members and telling different people they had XX amount left to them.
When she died, sure enough, her will was ridiculous and completely unfair - her house left to one neice and a small amount of cash to each of her other nephews and neices. No apparent reason - she wasnt close to any of them. To make matters worse, favoured neice claimed to be very unhappy with the situation, and verbally agreed that everyone should just have an equal share when the house was sold, and then by the time this happened (a year later) reneged on what she'd said and kept the money for herself!! Suffice to say that everyone else was pretty hacked off about it!!
If your conscience tells you that it's reasonable, then keep the money. If this other friend was in all honesty as close to the relative as you were, and it's likely that the relative did promise her money, then I would think hard about whether you should keep it all.

GrapefruitMoon · 09/02/2008 10:27

Unless your relative was extremely ill in the six months before allegedly saying this and dying, she had plenty of time to change her will if that was what she really intended.

SoupDragon · 09/02/2008 10:33

Keep it as per the will. You have not heard of your relative's apparent change of mind from anyone other than a 3rd party which is unreliable.

helenhismadwife · 09/02/2008 11:04

Keep it dont feel guilty and enjoy spending it

you say your relative was diagnosed with a terminal illness in that case I believe that if she had wanted to leave the money to a friend she would changed her will when she discovered she was ill, put her affairs in order she didnt so I think that indicates she wanted YOU to have the money.

Definately wouldnt take a 3rd parties word for it either

frecklyspeckly · 09/02/2008 22:26

i agree totally with helenhismadwife.Could not put it better. I got left grans engagement ring despite having an older cousin who felt more entitled to it. But it was what my gran wanted. Still felt uncomfortable though with aunties and cousin scowling (i felt). But not uncomfortable to offer it back tho -and i'm normally what one would describe as a soft touch !

Kitti · 11/02/2008 16:21

It's an emotional thing. Sounds to me like your relative made a half-hearted promise to her frined that she either then couldn't be bothered to deal with or never really meant (or maybe didn't have time) but at the end of the day the "third party" has probably found out due to the friend in question discussing it with them and wanting the message to be passed onto you. This is underhand in itself and if your relative never mentioned it to you - totally unreliable. I know that I would feel terrible in the same situation and would end up giving half of it just to make myself feel better - however this friend of your relative may think that you will do the same and is counting on that emotional blackmail to work in their favour. You know deep down that you need the money regardless of this other person's situation and at the end of the day this was left to you. Spend it and forget about it. If you are approached again by the third party or the friend make sure that they know that you hadn't been told by your relative and if your relative had wanted that to happen she should have changed her will - she didn't so perhaps she changed her mind - however the money has now been spent and was much needed. Sorry - my posts are always very long-winded!!

expatinscotland · 11/02/2008 16:28

I'd keep it.

Sorry, but if someone really means it, they get around to changing their will.

If you feel super guilty about that, then use it to set up an education fund for your kids or a savings account to help them buy a property, a wedding, etc.

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