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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To keep the all money to myself?

46 replies

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:12

First post on this thread so please be gentle .

I've been left some money by a distant relative-not a fortune but enought for a new car/pay off credit cards etc-enough to make my life a bit better.

But just before my relative died she promised this money to a close long term friend but then never got round to changing her will to make this happen.

So, do I keep the money all to myself knowing its not what my relative wanted or give it away to the friend? Or should I share it? We both seem to have similar lifestyles although I think the friend has more debt than me, we both have children but I have a partner. (Just a bit of background so any advice/opinions are fully informed).

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/02/2008 18:15

Ooooo. Half each?

Does the friend know she was meant to get it and knows you have?

My Nan led me to believe I would get a 1/4 share and she didn't want either of her sons to have the money. She had reasons for their wives and children (not me) not to get it either. I got £2000 and they got the lot. Not bothered, just annoyed she let me believe something and then did what she said she didn't want.

Quattrocento · 08/02/2008 18:15

Follow whatever your conscience tells you to do

If your relative never changed her will, it is perfectly possible that she changed her mind.

I am not sure what your lifestyles have to do with this btw, unless your relative was means-testing her legatees

Miaou · 08/02/2008 18:15

Eeek - hard one. How do you know about the money promised to the LTF - did your relative tell you this before she died?

FAQ · 08/02/2008 18:17

oooooo hard one. I'm assuming that she told you that the money was going to be left to the friend?

If so I think I'd have to share it.

cherryredretrochick · 08/02/2008 18:17

Think you should share it, you will fell guilty for ever otherwise and we all know there is enough to feel guilty about already.
Friend may not even take it if offered.

Weegle · 08/02/2008 18:20

How soon between when she told you she was going to leave it to the LTF and when she died? And was she capable during that time of changing the will? If it was reasonable that she could have changed it but didn't then I would assume she changed her mind and keep it. If not then I would at least consider splitting it.

Original poster

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:24

I only found out after my relative died that she had promise the money to her friend, found out through a 3rd party. Am guessing the friend knows but can't know for sure until I speak with her.

Quattrocentro-only mentioned lifestyles etc so neither 1 of us would appear to be more 'deserving' of the cash.

OP posts:

Original poster

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:26

Weegle-about 6 months AFAIK. She was advised to make an up to date will.

OP posts:

hercules1 · 08/02/2008 18:26

Hmm, I would assume to be honest that as she hadnt changed the will that she still meant it for you. I wouldnt go by the word of a 3rd party .

Original poster

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:30

hercules-good point! Although the 3rd party has asked me already what I'm going to be doing!

OP posts:

lazarou · 08/02/2008 18:30

Just keep it and pay off your debts. It was written in the will so it is yours.

Leslaki · 08/02/2008 18:30

Can you really rely on this third party? may be in for a cut of it? Don't want to sound bad but you never know. Why don't you give the friend a little bit of it (if you feel guilty) and say that you're sure your rel would have liked her to have some. After all you don't KNOW your rel was gonna def leave it to the friend, you're acting on hearsay. If your rel didn't tell you and didn't wriet it in her will - or leave it in writing anywhere else, it is possible they wanted the money to go to you and why should you give it up?! TBH i would feel guilty and would offer something - don't know how much you're talking about but maybe enough for a few days away with her kids. It's up to you, but make sure you knwo for def about her expecting money B4 you even think about giving it away.

lazarou · 08/02/2008 18:31

Why is this third party so interested anyway? What business is it of theirs? How bloody nosey and rude.

hercules1 · 08/02/2008 18:32

I would tell the third party you are going to respect your relations wishes and keep all the money to yourself.

lazarou · 08/02/2008 18:33

Tell them you've given it all to charity

goingfor3 · 08/02/2008 18:33

The info came from a third party not from your aunt so I would keep it. If your aunt had told you she intened to change the will then I would split it. Maybe she was pushed into saying she would leave it to the other lady but didn't want to so didn't change the will.

FAQ · 08/02/2008 18:34

hmm now I've read about the 3rd party I'm not sure........

goingfor3 · 08/02/2008 18:34

I agree with saying you gave it to charity.

bouncy · 08/02/2008 18:37

Agree with others, if it wasn't said directly to you from your aunt, keep it.

JeremyVile · 08/02/2008 18:37

The money is for you and you alone.
DO NOT go on anyone elses say so, you cant be certain there is no underhandedness going on.

As far as you know your relative wanted you to have the money - so keep the money.

And dont feel obliged to even discuss it with anyone else, your money, your relative, none of their business.

Original poster

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:39

Leslaki-that sounds like a good idea-I want to do right by everyone and be generous but my families life would improve by paying off the credit card and getting a new car (well new to me anyway) but also want to avoid any guilt-have enough of that being a mom anyway.
We aren't talking masses of cash-a decent 2nd hand car would use up most of it.

lazarou-fantastic!

OP posts:

sparklesandwine · 08/02/2008 18:41

If your relative didn't tell you herself that some of the money was meant for another person and she never changed the will, then how do you really know it was really what she wanted? was the 3rd party a good friend of your aunts?

sorry but when it comes round to money in wills it can get horrible, best thing to do would be to either talk to the friend in question or just say that you have been left the money and thats all there is to it

i hope that this doesn't cause too much unrest for you, its hard enough when someone dies. Sorry for your loss

Original poster

Harvymoon · 08/02/2008 18:46

I admit to loving the posts telling me to keep it. I do feel like I need permission to do that if you get me?

My relative did die a bit more suddenly than we thought TBH, she was diagnosed with a terminal illness but the consultant thought she would last another 3 years maybe.

Think a gift ( a small portion of the money) to the friend as a token might help me avoid sleepless nights

OP posts:

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 08/02/2008 18:48

Give some to a charity and then any guilt is assauged. (Or a word that looks like that, means what I mean but is spelt right!)

sparklesandwine · 08/02/2008 18:49

but if you generously offer 'X' amount will they ask for more? expect the lot?

do you know the friend in question?

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