To ask how you feel about phones/flirting

[crochetmonkey74]

I'm single at the moment, so don't know if it's clouding my judgement.

I've just been on an after work dinner with colleagues and I really noticed how much instagram messaging and what's app messaging was happening. These are all people in relationships but they were messaging other colleagues all night.
They are young men with wives and kids messaging women but it's constant back and forth.
They are all younger than me, so I could just be totally out of touch but some of them must be sitting in a room with their spouse and kids constantly messaging someone from work. Is it me being over jealous? Is it an age thing? My close friend (male the same age as me) said he found it strange and his wife wouldn't be happy but we were wondering if it's because we grew up without phones as part of our teen development.
I sort of feel jealous of the excitement of it as I'm single with no flirting going on anywhere. Am I being an old grump?

I'm struggling to understand this.

Your colleagues were all messaging fellow colleagues all night? So I'm guessing sexting? How did you find out about this? Did a number of them verbally tell you in front of everyone "I am messaging X right now" or did you glance at a number of your colleagues phones and see visible proof?

I'm leaning towards more of the same stance as you as your opinion on the messaging, but I'm just confused as to how you actually have concrete proof that they are messaging other colleagues behind their wives and partners backs.

It's not sexting. It's just continual chatting. So an example is a close colleague of mine (sitting next to me) spent the night texting our other colleague who was at home with his wife and 3 small kids .
I know because her phone kept pinging with his name and number.
Another male colleague of mine also does this back and for with a different female colleague.
I think I would feel really put out if my partner was sitting at home with me constantly chatting to an opposite sex colleague. But like I say, is it generational?

Are they just messaging each other normally? I have no issue with that. I work in a fairly small team, a lot of us are fairly close in age, a mix of males and females. We text outside work. It’s friendly banter. I don’t refuse to text people purely because they have a penis - that’s odd. The chat might be banter, but it’s most definitely not flirting. I have zero interest in any of them beyond friendship, and it’s mutual.

You sound very, very insecure.

It's just plain rude to be texting other people constantly while your other half is spending the evening with you. Even ruder to be going out for a works meal, then spending the evening on your phone rather than talking to the people you went out with

Im openly asking for opinions, I don't think a personal comment is necessary. It's a genuine discussion about what is appropriate now etc is it generational.

This is kind of what I think. Tbh if I was with a friend or sibling and they spent all our time together on the phone to others I'd be miffed.
If it was a partner I'd be offended I think.
I do feel a bit old fashioned but I think I wouldn't like the messaging to opposite sex.
If we had landlines only again, it would be like your partner spending the whole night chatting to someone instead of chatting to you

I wouldn’t have that no. I think it’s rude. Spend all night texting colleagues when you’re at home with the family? I don’t think you sound insecure, you sound like you have healthy boundaries. I wouldn’t text any colleague at all hours demanding their time. Especially not colleagues who have a family at home and probably don’t want them in front of a screen all night!

Yeah, I think I'd want to feel like my partner wasn't distracted away by others.
I was curious to start the thread as everyone my age (40-55) felt the same but so many of the younger ones (22-32) do it , we were wondering if we were just old grumps. I just can't imagine my partner sitting in a room with me being in a running conversation with a young opposite sex colleague.

What I mean is you seem to be focusing on the fact that the people texting are opposite genders to each other, saying you might be “over jealous” (which is the same as insecurity) and also in the last paragraph, stating you are “jealous of the excitement”

I’ve got a partner and kids too, I’ve sent several texts to work colleagues which are sort of loosely work related but not really. Kids are both asleep and my partner and I are happy to have some alone time - he was on FaceTime to his mum when I was messaging.

The texting at the meal is way more rude than texting a work colleague with on a friendly level.

Im mid 30s and don’t find this rude. I don’t see it any different than going out for a coffee or whatever with a colleague. I guess it depends on how close you are to your colleagues though, and the intentions behind the messages/the content.

Hmm some good points
Maybe I didn't explain myself right. The feeling jealous refers to the fact I'm single so I'm saying is this making me bitter as I am missing the fun of flirting or is it genuinely not something others would find acceptable. Totally understand the me time thing. But the length of the texting is massive, all night. (Not just tonight, I've noticed it or it has been referenced other times)
Dunno, I know I wouldn't feel comfortable with it, but it's always good to challenge your thoughts isn't it?

Is it flirting though? Or just friendly messaging?

I can assure you, I am absolutely not flirting with anyone, and nobody is flirting with me! I’m naturally a far more social person than my partner - my social cup needs filling - whereas he needs a lot of alone time/enjoys quietly watching a TV show or whatever. So normally we do something together for a while and then we do our own thing for a few hours before bed.

In an ideal world I would go out with my friends and have face to face interaction, but I don’t have a lot of spare time to dedicate to that - whereas with messaging, if the baby gets up I can resettle him then text back later, or I can text while walking the dog and so on.

I meet up with male colleagues outside work occasionally too, again purely on a platonic level.

I don’t limit friendship by gender I guess. Growing up I had lots of male friends - I still do. I’ve always been like this though, my partner knows this, and I wouldn’t be okay with being in a relationship where this was questioned.

That’s not what the op is about though. It’s about colleagues persistently texting each other all night. Whether that’s at home with the family or out for a meal. I don’t care what gender or how platonic a relationship - it’s rude and massively crossing boundaries. She’s not insecure for that.

What boundary is it crossing? I work with my best female friend and FaceTimed her for two hours the other evening. Is that also inappropriate or rude? Arguably messaging is less intrusive as any member of the chat can stop replying at any point.

I wouldn’t message my friends if my partner and I are out for a meal but I’d do it if we are sat watching mindless crap on the TV.

For some people, work colleagues are friends.

Im in my mid 30s. I do work in a job where almost everyone is naturally sociable though (teaching) - some evenings there can be 100+ messages in our group chat.

Family/work time. It’s just rude and unhealthy. Don’t get me wrong, I would not want to spend hours in my husband’s pocket. If he were to spend all night, every night texting colleagues? I’d be cross. If I were to spend all night texting colleagues, I’d expect to be called out on it at work as crossing the work/life balance. Your post to the op was unfair.

Yeah I have friends across the gender line too. But if I was with my partner I wouldn't persistently message them. Of course we all message friends in pockets of time between commitments but it's the continuous nature.
Also the age and opinion difference : older ones don't like it, younger ones do. Is it a result of continuous phone use from a young age? I'm just genuinely interested. I can't imagine lying in bed reading a book and my partner messaging a female colleague lots

Oh and I’m a teacher and I couldn’t imagine anything worse than spending hours on a work group chat, despite some of my best friends being from work. God no. I have a life out of work.

I'm a teacher too. Agree re group chats!
These are individual chats and there's a lot of work flirting/work wife etc etc behaviour. Dunno what to think of it

It doesn’t say every night does it?

It’s not unfair - they asked for opinions and I think getting so worked up about (what op has admitted are) innocent text messages been sent between two people who happen to work together is … odd at best.

It’s not “work time” to message someone about non work related things in your own time. It’s perfectly normal to be friendly with people you spend 35+ hours a week with. I’ve been best friends with my friend since primary school and we so happen to now work together, should I also stop texting her at night?

Conversations are a two way thing. If either party are unhappy, they can simply ignore the message and the conversation is done.

so yeah, if a colleague was texting me multiple times without my response, that might be inappropriate. But a colleague sending a funny meme/video or whatever, which then generates a conversation? Not inappropriate.

And there is absolutely no rule in my contract that states I’m not allowed to be friends with my colleagues. Two of my colleagues who met at work even married each other!

It’s bizarre. I can’t imagine being so attached to work. If people are that’s up to them. I couldn’t imagine anything worse. I like my life out of work. Calling you insecure for having those boundaries was a massive jump of the gun. I don’t think it’s a strange boundary to have!

Okay if it’s flirting and work wife etc chat, that’s different. Our chat is normally just chatting about strikes, resigning first ministers, love island, etc.

We have a sensible group chat which we use for “work chat” (eg did I leave my pen drive in the base? Can someone check the timetable for me?) and then we have a chat chat which is full of crap.

I message several people separately too, occasionally for an extended period of time, but not on a regular basis.

“If people are that’s up to them”

Exactly. It’s fine to participate, it’s fine to not.

But OP specifically stated she is jealous that others are doing it. Which is insecurity - I also wouldn’t care if my colleagues were messaging each other (although I would be annoyed to be out with someone who was continually on their phone)

I'm not jealous of those doing it.
I was saying , is my single status making me sensitive/jealous/bitter to people flirting or is it a boundary crossed in a relationship which is what it feels like to me.
My over riding feeling is curiosity not jealousy

“I sort of feel jealous of the excitement of it as I'm single with no flirting going on anywhere. Am I being an old grump”

that’s why I said that you are jealous.

Initially I said its appropriate because you said “It's not sexting. It's just continual chatting” which made it sound like it was just general chit chat, which IMO isn’t inappropriate if it is a to-and-fro conversation where both people are participating equally (rather than someone being pestered by continual texts which aren’t replied to) however with the clarification that there was flirting and “work wife” chat going on, then yes that is inappropriate.

I hate it all. Horrible behaviour.