AIBU to think I'm the one who should be thanked?!

[safari111]

I mentioned to my husband this eve that my colleague was surprised to hear that he helps me get the kids (1yo and 2.5yo) ready in the morning before work, considering my husband has to commute an hour to work. And the response he blurted out was "yeah maybe you should say thank you more often". Are you kidding me? I didn't want to start an argument but first of all I am grateful for all he does, but I don't get thanks for anything I do as a parent, and to be frank I don't expect one either as everything I do for the kids is obviously the expected and more.
Honestly it's really pissed me off but I don't know whether I should just let it go, he clearly had it pent up by the way it just rolled off his tongue!

You should have had it out with him, asking when he's going to start thanking you. Did you not plan out who would be responsible for what when deciding on a second?

I thank my husband for everything and he thanks me for everything. I don’t think I’d want to show my gratitude towards him if he never did it in return. I think you need to ask him why he expects gratitude but doesn’t give you any or it’ll just fester.

Everyone likes feeling appreciated. Maybe you should both try it?

Why should you need to thank him for parenting his own kids?

I think I would have exploded there and then you showed amazing control!
If he doesn’t thank you for doing things why should you thank him or does he see it as a womens role? I

"Thank you" can mean a few different things - not just "I'm grateful for your help" but also, "I realise this is hard for you and I appreciate it that you keep on doing it." Maybe what he wants to hear is the latter - just as reassurance that you're not taking him for granted?

I know these are the comebacks you only think of after the event. But...

Maybe YOU could thank ME more often...

@Orangesare @RunningFromInsanity these are the exact thoughts/perspective that I have!

@MavisMcMinty I feel as though it's one-sided and that he's not acknowledging the times I do say thank you for doing stuff

@Silvershirtbutton I like the way you've worded how to respond, will take note if the conversation comes up again..

@Ponoka7 we tend to divide and conquer, which works for us and the kids... He's just clearly not feeling appreciated somehow... Sigh

I thank DP for what he does and he thanks me too. It's just nice isn't it.

@Squiblet think you may be on to something here to be fair. Helping me put things into perspective

@Firefly86 believe me that's what I wanted to say but I didn't want to start WW3 in front of the kids 😂 I also thought his response seemed absolutely out of the blue so glad I didn't just explode there and then and want to just think where this is coming from and actually how can I make him not feel that way

Oh yes, I get that, @safari111 . But your colleagues’s reaction reminds you that yours is better than some people’s husbands, I’d’ve probably added that to the end of the story about what your colleague said. “You’re not the worst” with a ruffle of his hair or a pat on the arm.

When was the last time he did thank you?

@MavisMcMinty absolutely love this 😂 wish I had been so quick-thinking

All the healthiest relationships that I can think of are where both couples are grateful for what the other does. I would thank my husband for that but he would thank me for getting the washing done or dortimg the car MOT. That's how I was brought up and something I see in my siblings' relationships. Gratitude on both sides does help you feel like a team and stop resentment setting in.

I'd start thanking him in the mornings then in the evening ask him why he hasn't thanked you for X, Y, Z... might lead to a conversation about being more grateful to each other.

I suggest reframing it a bit in your head, that 'he helps'. Straightaway that puts you in the manager role, the one with responsibility for the task at hand, and isn't he great for helping - in his own mind.

It's something I often see here and indeed elsewhere about the man 'helping' around the house.

Nope, his children, he pulls his weight, as he should.

@AlisonDonut not a damn clue! But possibly not even noticed, as I don't expect to be thanked for things I must do for our family.

What should I do ladies?! Should I start a conversation about this now the kids are in bed or should I just try to somehow show more appreciation in future?

You should both say thank you to each other.

Sounds like you both feel unappreciated - probably worth a discussion as to why?

@redskydelight I think being in the thick of it with 2 little ones we are like ships passing in the night a lot of the time. That's probably a lot to do with it...

He is also the type of person who never asks for help and always says "I'll do it" and I think this is making him build up some resentment

I always thank dh when he helps me or the dc. And he thanks me for dinner every night or for doing his laundry

If I help him at the building site (which is not often) he thanks me a lot. I think he's hoping I might go more often 😂

It's easy to take each other for granted so maybe you should both try appreciating the other?

Because it feels nice when someone acknowledges your hard work?
I work part-time but very few hours. Before i was a SAHM. I do 90% of kids stuff and housework. DH regularly thanks me for everything I do and it feels really nice to hear that its appreciated! I thank him too when he does things and sometimes I let him know how much I appreciate his hard work that lets me stay at home 🤷🏻‍♀️
Wont chip your crown to make your partner feel nice and appreciated!
It should go both ways though! Things start going downhill when one or both start feeling taken for granted.

Thank you for your responses, definitely some food for thought! ❤️ decided not to bring up a conversation about it but to try and work on showing some appreciation..someway...somehow! Lol. Going to leave this thread now. Thanks again!

I’d be telling them that he’s their father. Why shouldn’t he get them ready? It winds me up how people tend to think raising children is a women’s role and men who step up and parent are great and deserve a medal for helping.

Agree with you so much. I know my husband gets sad because I don't thank him much (sometimes I force myself to), why should I? Its your job as a parent. Gives me the rage tbh. He has it very easy too.

When was the last time he thanked you for "helping" with the children?

Exactly.