Grandparents don't make effort

[HisMammy]

My (26f) parents were begging us to have a child for the past 3/4 years and I was just not mentally/financially in the place to do that until my mother in law passed in 2021 6 weeks before our wedding. Myself and my husband (31) had decided that we we're going to try because we didn't want to wait and regret anyone else in our families not meeting our child.

I got pregnant Jan 2022 - our son was born 8w 2days early at 31+5 and spent 3 weeks in hospital. 6 days in NICU,1 week in HDU and the rest of the time in SCBU. My parents and his dad were very good and visited us at the cafe at the hospital as it was only parents allowed visit the baby with COVID restrictions.

7 weeks after the birth of our son my father in law passed away unfortunately he never got to meet him. Needless to say we were heartbroken.

My son is now almost 7 months old, my parents live 5 minutes away and I have never felt so alone - they do not make any effort with us I almost have to beg them to come over. I might be in a bit of a bad spot mentally and I need them.

Today they were supposed to come over around 12 and I hadn't heard from them by 13:30 - I tried calling and texting and got no response. I sent a snipy message in our family group chat saying "Don't bother coming around. I'm sick of wasting our time waiting on you guys. You always say you're going to come around and then don't bother getting up until all hours, our day is nearly over by the time you do"

AIBU?

(Happy to answer questions about the situation - I'm very tired and no doubt left out details).

How much time did you spend with your folks before having a baby?

I can see why you’re struggling and that you really do need your parents and your DH to step up. Snippy messages sound counterproductive, but understand it’s hard to be calm and meet them where they’re at when you’re exhausted and in need of support.

Have you said to your DP in a calm way when you aren’t in a rush or annoyed that they’re late or just too tired to really engage about what you’d like from them?

Have you told your DH how lonely you feel at the moment?

None of what you’re going through is unusual. I don’t say that to dismiss it, it’s hard. Just to let you know that many of us have been there and you do come out the other side. But it is nicer and easier if the people around you are supportive.

I spent a lot of time with my mother, she was so excited to have a grandchild and now its just such a diffrent attitude - she barely talks to me anymore I feel like its so hard to have a conversation with her. My dad works a lot but we would all try to spend an day/evening a week together at least.

I know the snippy message was something I regret and really only made me feel worse in the moment. My DH is really great - he knows I am struggling and does a lot, I am BF but we have recently started some bottle feeds and he is home as much as he possibly can but with me not working right now that's tough.

I've spoken to my parents on multiple occasions about how I am feeling and how much I want them to have a good relationship with my child and they always say that they will make more of an effort but we keep coming back to this place and it makes everything feel so much harder every time.

Not sure if I am just venting or what I'm hoping to get out of this I spoke to my therapist about it and have tried everything I can to engage them but they just don't seem to care. I don't really have any other support and I was really counting on my family to be there for me. Any advice on how to get through this?

Sometimes grandparents like the idea of children more than when they actually appear. Ultimately you cannot make them care or want to spend time with your child.

Try to adjust your expectations of them. Don’t keep trying to push them to do more than what they want to do.

My DM shows no interested in her grandchildren. Even if she didn’t not see them for a year, she wouldn’t care. It is the way it is unfortunately. You have to try and make peace with it.

Is it you or the baby? Some GPs can be shocked by the reality of a baby in their lives again, and can back off.

Shit though. I don't blame you for being hurt if they're not being honest about why they have cold feet.

Wow you've had a rough time. I'm sorry for your losses, and I hope your baby is doing well now.

It's rubbish to tell you they're coming at 12pm and then just not turn up. If you want to keep trying and keep the opportunity open, I would suggest just sticking to your normal schedule and inviting them to come along if they wish, but not altering it for them. E.g. "on Tuesday we'll be in from 10 til 12 if you want to come round," but if they're not there by 12, just go out as normal (or whatever you were going to do). Or "on Saturday at 1pm we'll be in the park for an hour, feel free to join us." etc.

Is your DH giving you some alone time where possible? Are you finding a bit of time to see friends?

They sound useless op. I encountered a similar situation except nobody came to the hospital either, one gp said didn't want to know unless it was good news 🤔just no support whatsoever. They weren't interested until dcs were older, talking/less demanding and even then it hasn't been loads of contact, then they wonder why dcs have no bond with them. My dps are like children and give no advice so I shouldn't have expected anything more really.

I get jealous when I hear about big happy families with doting GPs, and loads of help and support.

Also it's is lousy to say they're coming and then not even update you to say going to be late, or not coming at all. When your exhausted and get you and baby ready for visitor and they let you done it is absolutely rubbish. I had a 'friend' who had form for letting me down/last minute changes of plans, I distanced myself from her.

you're down

I think you were right to send the message op. Their behaviour sounds really hurtful. My own parents are dead but mil is alive and barely makes any effort with any of her grandchildren. I actually find it disgusting but it's not my place to say anything. If my own parents were alive and showed little interest in my kids, I'd be very upset.

'Some GPs can be shocked by the reality of a baby in their lives again, and can back off.'

This is a lame and pathetic excuse imo if that is the case. What do they think it's like for the actual first time parents of the baby?! They have afterall had a baby before!

I don’t see my grandchildren as much as I would like now. Up til Nov I saw them when they needed a babysitter, but if I asked to see them for any other reason I felt like I had to make an appointment. There was then a big fall out when I then mentioned the ‘appointment’ issue, now I hardly see them at all as the parents refuse to engage with me, 4 hours in 4 months is what I’ve had, but according to them I can see them when I want, yeah right. I miss them especially my grand daughter who I feel I have a special bond with. I don’t know how someone who causes an upset can then becomes the victim and it becomes all my fault. 😢

Honestly @Throwncrumbs it seems like lovely supportive GPS have not so easy going dcs who expect babysitting on tap.
Then the easy going dcs who expect very little have awful selfish gps! You can't choose your family that's for sure.

If they need encouraging to "make the effort" to come and see your child, then nothing you do or say is going to make any difference. The impetus has to come from them and if it isn't there, it simply isn't.

Write them off as far as grandparenting is concerned and get on with your life. It is a shame, but there is nothing to be done and even if you managed to cajole them into coming round more, it would not be out of genuine interest, so what would be the point of that? You would know that they were there essentially against their will, so that would suck all the joy out of the visit.

You have a lovely brand new person in your life - do not let their reluctance to get involved stop you enjoying this wonderful stage of life - it will never come back - relish it while you can!

Yes but for them it was usually a long time ago and they have got used to a quieter life free of responsibilities.

My DM couldn’t cope with the noise or her GC running around despite having had several DC herself.

Since you’ve spoken to your DP and explained what you need and they say all the right things but don’t change their behaviour, I think you need to start looking elsewhere for support. Maybe they’ll come round when the baby’s older and you can decide then how much you can forgive them. But for now, you have to look after yourself.

Just going off your messages here, it sounds like you need company? Have you spoken to your HV? There used to be a scheme to provide volunteer “mother’s helpers” to new mums. They come to you and help out for a few hours. They aren’t childcare in that you can’t go off. But they will provide company and help out with holding/watching the baby while you do other things, or they’ll help with housework, or just sit and chat over a cuppa while you swap the baby between you and lament broken nights and how piercing a baby’s scream can be. Would that help?

I would also suggest getting out to some mother and baby groups if you can. Or if you have contacts from your NCT group if you had one, calling them up and seeing if you can get together. Just meeting up with other people can really help. And other people with babies around the same age are understanding about the disruption. It can be hard work at first to make connections, but you don’t necessarily need to make lifelong friends (though it’s nice if you do). Babies change fast and you’ll have different challenges soon enough and can move on to other things. For now, maybe just try and find some people you can vent with?

If your needs are more practical I would suggest, if you can afford it, this is something to throw a bit of money at. A regular baby sitter you can trust is probably worth more than a vacation this year, for instance (though appreciate both might be out of reach).

Are you planning on going back to work? If you are struggling as a SAHM you may want to think about pulling the day you do forward. That may not be what you want, but if it's appealing remember - it isn't a failure to change your plans.

I completely empathise OP.

DD2 had a series of complications when she was born and spent a lot of time in hospital too. My ILs were there for me at the time, but after we came home they don't bother to come down to see her. I live 15 min car drive away.

I go there once a week for dinner, but I would love for them to make more of an active role in their grandchildrens' lives. They know how hard it is for me too with 2 under 2.

I think it's harder for you cause it's your own family.

Snippy messages don't help, but obviously you must be feeling really low right now. Once the feeling a little less raw of them not coming over, perhaps message and say how disappointed and upset you are. You were looking forward to seeing them as was your baby.

Let them know how difficult you're finding it and that you need a strong support network around you.

Not making any excuses for this behaviour - it sounds like you're feeling abandoned when you really need some love and support. I'm sorry.

My parents are overseas, but have found my PILs have been more able/present involved as my DC has got older - once more mobile and verbal (and toilet trained!) Things with children do come in seasons, so this all may change. It's also easier when the weather's better and you can meet up or do things outside. Sometimes things are easier on a more neutral turf?

Some great suggestions here to build your tribe and get some support.

Awww you are still reeling from shock and grief on behalf of you and you're child it's normal to feel snappy and angry at others especially in their commitment to you.

Do you have any nieces or nephews that they are involved with?

I do understand though I lost both my parents within 8 months of each other and they were both the absolute center of my sons world. I do struggle that my mother in law doesn't make the effort or give the attention Mine did but of course I know this is issue not anyone else's but try to just enjoy your partner and child to the max xx

Begin all messages from place of curiosity not assumption, ( how is it for you? How is it for then?)
it's not just the young who have difficulty and it may also be too embarrassing to discuss initially... Getting older perii/ menopause (That's when you mostly don't get what's going on in the start of menopause )is no picnic for some especially if working all week and health or life is a little up and down. You're right to feel life is short and I may feel a bit like this about my Mum, who worked didn't drive and only made an effort to see us once, under her own steam.

However everyone minimises my mother's health but we don't live in her skin. But also the place of love will overcome the hurt you feel too, I see someone named it abandonment if you have always lived with this and her criticism I would seek help. Both in handling your feelings and situations which will arise. I'm sure they care enough to worry about you. But if it truly is as you believe then seek others for support. However both are unreasonable. This is unreasonable because it's critical behaviour it never wins friends and always puts even family off. And that's how I'm being now it does hurt, you might call it straight talking , here i could be talking about both myself my words not just you, so start again. If you get this far without getting all cross please. Try a fresh everyone needs a lovely and with that where you begin it will help.