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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'Nicola Bulley's reputation 'destroyed' by police'

922 replies

MyrtIe · 16/02/2023 10:37

Article here

The points made about victim blaming and the police disclosing this information to cover themselves are spot on imo.

The usual gutter press are having a field day with this today.

What exactly was the point of it? What's it achieved, apart from compounding the heartache of her loved ones?

YABU - the police were right to divulge this sensitive information as it was relevant to the investigation

YANBU - there was absolutely no need to do so

OP posts:
GetUps · 16/02/2023 11:24

It seems a bit odd to object to some information being released by starting a thread to make sure even more people see it...

potniatheron · 16/02/2023 11:24

"Significant issues with alcohol" is polite euphemism for a serious alcohol use disorder. Alcoholism as it used to be called (and still is, in AA). As an alcoholic myself (now thankfully sober over 10 years) I can say that it is very relevant. What non-alkies don't necessarily appreciate if that when you're severely in the illness, you have alcohol in your system all the time. And you don't necessarily always act 'drunk' or 'tipsy' like normal peope do. So, to give an example of what used to happen to me: I'd drink heavily at night, wake up in the morning and still be drunk but very functional, you wouldn't be able to tell it from me unless you got up really close. I'd sound OK on the phone, be able to get up, organise my day etc etc. Then, after being up a couple of hours, I might have a very small nip of something to 'top myself up' and somehow (I'm not a doctor) that would reactive all the alcohol already in my system and make it kick in really hard so that I'd be staggering, physically shaky, extremely disorientated. Not really sure of what I was doing or what I was supposed to do next.

NB's problems were that bad that the police had recently had to do a welfare check which again is a euphemism for someone was worried that she had harmed herself and got the police to go round there. So, yes, the information is relevant and explains why the police have been so focussed on the river. And they only disclosed it because there was so much speculation that it was actually hampering the investigation. And they would not have disclosed it without the partner's permission, whatever the rest of the family thought about it.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/02/2023 11:25

Completely agree with his argument, except that his own speculation isn't exactly helping either: "Clearly this wasn't a domestic abuse scenario or a drunken person scenario - it was a mental health incident which Nicola was suffering"

As for the police being "forced" to do this, we really are in the gutter if they're expected to jump this way and that because of idiotic behaviour on social media; all it's doing is encouraging more, though doubtless the self indulgent will be thrilled

Of course Nicola's own condition's relevant to the case, but that doesn't mean everyone has to know every detail while it's actually going on - time enough for questions if there's a future inquiry

Original poster
MyrtIe · 16/02/2023 11:26

Throwmesomechicken · 16/02/2023 11:19

Has anyone on here had any dealings with an alcoholic or anyone with an addiction issues? It is extremely relevant as their behaviours can be driven totally by their addictions. They can make appalling decisions that are harmful to themselves and others, directly and indirectly.

People tend to think of addicts as being the kind of people I was involved with though voluntary work, homeless folk who looked very dishevelled, rob you for a fix. No the vast majority of addicts look just like the nice man or woman who lives down your road who will cheerily wave to you as they drive their kids to school over the limit. Then off to the office for their 9 to 5.

The family would have agreed. It’s frightening people because the family are a very regular family. The amount of people that disappear every single day all the time is actually huge.

I've had these issues. I also have a missing sibling with a history of addiction.

I still say that although the issues may be relevant to the case, they were relevant when Nicola went missing, and only to those looking for her.

There was absolutely no need to make these issues public at this point.

If anything happened to me I'd hate to think of my family seeing the sort of headlines that have appeared today, and I can't see how, at this point, those headlines would help find me anyway.

OP posts:
FeetupTvon · 16/02/2023 11:26

Bigpinktrain · 16/02/2023 10:39

My feeling is that it was mentioned out of spite for the underwater search expert who has been saying how unlikely it is that she is in the water, a direct contradiction of what they think has happened.
They are trying to paint a picture of her being unstable I think. It’s really disgusting

But she was unstable wasn’t she??

adriftabroad · 16/02/2023 11:28

Was she?

Meltinthemiddle · 16/02/2023 11:29

Oh my goodness people are never satisfied and always quick to blame. The information is relevant to their theory. If they do find her body it will all come out in a inquest anyway. The police have said all along they have more information but didn't disclose it, but everyone thought after a few netflix crime series they were more qualified then the police to solve the case. At the end of the day she is a normal human being, with struggles. I don't judge her any less for it because this is life and we all have our demons.

autumn1610 · 16/02/2023 11:29

I don’t think it’s been handled well but I also don’t think they can win.

They finally come out and say she was classed as highly Vunerable and didn’t disclose why. Everyone is demanding to know why, you can’t just make a comment like that without backing it up etc. They say come and say why but it kicks off as they have disclosed information about her.

god if she hasn’t just vanished I wouldn’t be wanting to come back everyone will be baying for her if she does

potniatheron · 16/02/2023 11:30

Amethystanddiamonds · 16/02/2023 11:01

Because if she had been drinking she could have had an accident next to the river. If she was trying to sober up and suffering alcohol withdrawal she could have blacked out or had hallucinations or a severe depressive episode.

Addiction is a medical condition that makes you vulnerable. Menopause has been getting a lot of press recently about how devastating it can be for some women. No one should judge her anymore than if she was diabetic or epileptic. The press are having a field day but everyone really needs to back off and leave the police to it.

Show quote history

Yes thank you for this wise post. Alcoholism is a health condition like any other. No judgement should be attached. The fact that people here are getting outraged on NB's behalf shows how long we still have to go in taking the stigma out of substance use disorders. As long as that stigma exists, people will be hesitant to access help before their condition gets too bad.

Guavafish1 · 16/02/2023 11:30

I think its relevant information, even if the information is not nice.

It's important to know about the alcohol and recent police visits. Especially when the case is high profile.

maranella · 16/02/2023 11:30

I agree with you OP. I was appalled to see Lancashire police releasing that info. Poor woman has probably lost her life and now the whole world knows she was struggling with menopause and alcohol. Her poor family, her poor DC. Just completely unnecessary. Her privacy completely invaded Sad

MiniEggsz · 16/02/2023 11:30

I have conflicting thoughts on this.
If they realised her alcohol issues initially, wouldn't the response be on some middle aged drunk has fallen into the water? Especially when the drunk is a woman ? I'm not sure people would have looked as hard, or cared so much. They'd be talking about how irresponsible she was, just left her dog etc. The possibility of it being a kidnapping or murder incident have already been minimalsed as possibilities by the police, I think the public would have done too.

But if it had been released earlier, people may have noticed her at homeless Shelters etc. Acknowledged possibility that mid life crisis + alcoholic could mean she's in a pretty rough situation and had their eyes open in places they otherwise wouldn't.
But maybe it wouldn't have got so much news to begin with if released immediately.

I think the police were probably concerned about the first point, but now it has been 3 weeks released it to hope people will keep their eyes open in places she may be sighted.

Lavenderzen · 16/02/2023 11:31

The information should have been released in the beginning, not all the details, but at least that she was vulnerable. It would have stopped all the speculation.
Thoughts with Nicola and the family.

pissssedofff · 16/02/2023 11:31

FeetupTvon · 16/02/2023 11:26

But she was unstable wasn’t she??

Show quote history

You don't know know that at all, you don't her state of mind on that morning, just because someone has drunk too much etc on one particular day, doesn't mean they lack capacity on all other days

or are all woman who struggle with menopause "unstable" ?

Ignorant thing to say.

itsgettingweird · 16/02/2023 11:31

noblegiraffe · 16/02/2023 10:45

The batshit armchair detectives need to shut the fuck up and let the police get on with their jobs.

Baying because they police didn’t disclose that she was vulnerable, baying because they did. Demanding details then acting horrified when the details are given. Oh we didn’t mean it.

FFS get a new hobby. Buy an Agatha Christie. Leave the family alone.

Always the voice of common sense and reason

Cornettoninja · 16/02/2023 11:32

Everyone is demanding to know why, you can’t just make a comment like that without backing it up etc

of course they can, the police are more than capable of saying that details known to them surrounding vulnerabilities aren’t needed as public knowledge. Nobody has the ‘right’ to know more than that.

WiIson · 16/02/2023 11:32

It's disgusting that the police released this level of detail. Disrespectful to her and her family. A police force not fit for purpose.

Original poster
MyrtIe · 16/02/2023 11:32

BeetleyCarapace · 16/02/2023 11:23

Poor woman. Not only has she gone missing, her personal medical information has now been broadcast far and wide for strangers to pick over and discuss like it's the penultimate episode of Cracker.

All because a bunch of podcast-addicted loons and social media Marples can't leave the fuck alone.

The police have an element of responsibility here but in my mind it's the baying mob who have largely driven this.

When the inevitable inquiry happens, the police's actions may be examined (and rightly so). But the hordes of tweeters, gossipers and below-the-line commenters won't be held to any account at all.

Shame on them all.

This.

Although I'm still not sure what has motivated the police to attempt to silence the baying mob - at the expense of a missing woman's reputation - in this case when they don't with others. And in so doing they've just given the mob extra grist for their mill.

OP posts:
gold22 · 16/02/2023 11:32

Op, you keep saying (and others) that there was no need to make this information public- with respect who are you to make that decision? Is it impossible to think the family have potentially agreed/asked for the information to be released? Even just to stop the plastic detectives pointing the finger at them? Obviously I don't know that, and I'm not pretending to know what's best for an investigation that is none of my business, but I'm sick to death of the constant narrative of people who literally have no fucking clue

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/02/2023 11:33

When the police suspect suicide, they usually say "we are not looking for any suspects". They didn't do this. They left it wide open.

And of course, there is every possibility that she has come to harm from a third party.

maranella · 16/02/2023 11:33

And what @BeetleyCarapace said about podcasters, armchair detectives and ghouls.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 16/02/2023 11:33

It's the link to the menopause which seems so wrong - whatever happened to the poor woman, and whatever the ins and outs of the investigation, this piece of information seems totally unnecessary and smacks of sexism.

7eleven · 16/02/2023 11:33

noblegiraffe · 16/02/2023 10:45

The batshit armchair detectives need to shut the fuck up and let the police get on with their jobs.

Baying because they police didn’t disclose that she was vulnerable, baying because they did. Demanding details then acting horrified when the details are given. Oh we didn’t mean it.

FFS get a new hobby. Buy an Agatha Christie. Leave the family alone.

Completely agree. The public, media and social media, including mumsnet are responsible for this.

Teatime55 · 16/02/2023 11:33

I imagine the press have gotten hold of this info and the police have been forced to release it first. Hence her family giving permission.

Alexandra2001 · 16/02/2023 11:33

Guavafish1 · 16/02/2023 11:30

I think its relevant information, even if the information is not nice.

It's important to know about the alcohol and recent police visits. Especially when the case is high profile.

Are you part of the investigating team? if so, yes relevant... if your just another nosy parker, then no it isn't.