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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I just a complete bitch?

7 replies

windywoo78 · 16/02/2023 00:59

2 years ago DH was diagnosed with 2 separate cancers. Absolutely horrendous time. 2 surgeries and 3 rounds of chemo later he's on to having check ups every 3 months. Last check up consultant gave him a good chat about loosing some weight, getting fit and healthy and seeking counselling for mental health side side of things. I can't imagine how horrific it is to have cancer however he's taken none of the consultants advice on board - frequent take aways, no exercise or addressing mental health and overall extremely unhealthy. I try to be supportive with his concerns with cancer coming back but it's taken it's toll and my mental health is suffering from stress and strain of last 2 years. When he's worried I try to be supportive and say all the right things but when I can see he's taken no action to address lifestyle I get so cross. He doesn't seem to ever consider the toll it's taken on me. I feel selfish to think about how it's affected me but it's made me a shell of who I was and the daily thoughts of the cancer coming back and taking him away haunt me. But AIBU for getting cross at him not doing anything to help his physical and mental health??

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 16/02/2023 01:05

Yanbu, this is something that's impacted you both and been scary for you both. But it's also natural that you'll have each experienced it very differently and will process it very differently. I don't think you can force him to change, he may be feeling overwhelmed by it all at the moment and unable to make those changes or he might feel that life is short and he didn't want to worry any more. I think you need to focus on you and get your own support and your own space to process what's happened and your emotions around that so you aren't living in perpetual fear going forwards. Hopefully he'll see you taking those steps and it might encourage him. I'd try to just see where he's at without judgement at the moment, the more you try to push him he's more likely to shut down so I'd be trying to gently open the communication so you can explore how he's really feeling.

Summer2424 · 16/02/2023 03:00

@windywoo78 YANBU x
I think just focus on yourself for a while. Continue being there for your husband but look after yourself too. Ultimately it is his decision to change his lifestyle.

lovemelongtime · 16/02/2023 04:25

I think the really important thing is that you get some support and look after your own MH as a priority. I have recently been diagnosed with breast cancer for the third time & can see the toll this is taking on my DH. People often forget that partners/family are impacted too. It might help to get some counselling to help you work through your feelings. Good luck on your journey.

aonbharr · 16/02/2023 04:34

unfortunately having had cancer myself, my first instinct wasn’t to become teetotal and healthy. It was more of a ‘well I am fucked anyway’ and a well I’ve had so much of this crap and treatment I am just going to live my life and let the cards fall whatever way because I was a healthy person to start with. To be honest losing weight and getting fit and healthy isn’t going to change the outcome much. He may never be touched by cancer again or it may be next year or it may be in a decade. Have you told him how you feel in a really strong way? He might surprise you if he comes to a different way of accepting what has happened to him and you making him see beyond himself..

BatshitBanshee · 16/02/2023 06:18

aonbharr · 16/02/2023 04:34

unfortunately having had cancer myself, my first instinct wasn’t to become teetotal and healthy. It was more of a ‘well I am fucked anyway’ and a well I’ve had so much of this crap and treatment I am just going to live my life and let the cards fall whatever way because I was a healthy person to start with. To be honest losing weight and getting fit and healthy isn’t going to change the outcome much. He may never be touched by cancer again or it may be next year or it may be in a decade. Have you told him how you feel in a really strong way? He might surprise you if he comes to a different way of accepting what has happened to him and you making him see beyond himself..

This, with bells on.

The people around a person with cancer go through it when it's happening. The person with cancer often only gets the breathing room to process what happened to them after treatment... Which - for want of a better phrase - can lead to some acting out.

YANBU for how you feel, but I do think both you and DH would benefit from some joint therapy. Often conversations about weight loss/health can be received as "I don't find you attractive anymore" which can be such a whammy in itself, even without the preceding cancer treatment.

Original poster
windywoo78 · 16/02/2023 23:01

Thank you so much for your replies, it's really helpful to get outsider views. I feel guilty but a good rant to get it out does really help Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
windywoo78 · 16/02/2023 23:01

Aonnharr thank you for sharing and I'm wishing you all the best Flowers

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