Bad sex life since forever. Unlucky or is it me?

[jellybelly44]

Inspired by another thread, I got thinking about my overall sex life and have concluded it's been pretty shit over the years. I'm nearly 40, have had a reasonable number of partners (more than 10, less than 15) and very few positive experiences to show for it.

First sexual experience was at 16 with a boyfriend I loved dearly and was both of our first time. Sex was good with him but we were young and still learning and obviously the relationship didn't last.

Second serious partner was quite abusive. But sex was good and fairly regular. Although I do remember periods where we'd go several weeks without it. He was nasty in other ways though and made insults and remarks about my body and performance (I was saggy and boring in bed) that eroded my confidence. We had a baby though so can't have been all bad.

Next serious partner after him was shit in bed and I mean awful. Would finish in seconds. In the 3 years we were together I very rarely finished. I really don't know why I put up with it for so long. I definitely was unlucky with this one.

Finally my now husband. We have ok sex but very vanilla and repetitive. He has some performance issues and uses viagra which makes sex quite clinical and pre planned. Also (tmi alert) often needs to be finished by hand which really makes me feel shit about my performance but I think it might have something to do with the viagra? Either way it's not always a very fulfilling experience but I do love him and we are intimate in other ways.

In between these main relationships there have been other casual experiences, often under the influence of booze which is never really conducive to good sex. None of them have been very memorable. Some of them downright unpleasant if I'm honest.

I will admit I could lose a few lbs and I'm not confident in my ability to put on a show - I.e dressing up and things like that. But I'm not ugly I don't think and I don't think I'm terrible in bed either.

Does this sound like a string of bad luck or could I have done more? I'm married now so obviously it's my sex life with my dh that I should be working on not dwelling on the past but I do feel sad that my best shagging years have been largely rubbish!

From my experience, most guys are not that great in bed.

My first proper relationship started at 16 and was my ex hubby. He was very vanilla, not exciting. Same position - me on top. He always held off until I came.

Second serious relationship - awful. He has inverted ejaculation problems which was apparently painful and I got shunned for weeks at a time.

Third relationship. Again, vanilla. Not exciting, hardly made any noise. Hard to get excited.

My current relationship, not much variety and has ejaculation issues. Has only came once in 3 months (although he can maintain)

I've had a lot of ONS/FWB too where I'd say 1 in 3 have issues with maintaining erection or ejaculation issues. The ones that haven't have either came too early or had some bizarre fetish like watersports or hardcore BDSM.

Maybe I'm just picky... 😊n

From my experience, most guys are not that great in bed.

This. And I’ve had sex with at least 20-25 men. Only 3 of them were any good.

my very first boyfriend who I was with for four years from the age of 17 was actually the best of them all. He was young but very experienced, we were very free with each other and it was very passionate and intimate. I really do miss having sex with him and I’m in my 50s now 😂

my next serious boyfriend who was my dd father was horrible. He lasted maybe 3 minutes every time.

A not so serious fling I had in my 20s the sex was really good.

and finally my long term boyfriend from over ten years ago was good in bed, we usually had long sex session that were fun and passionate.

my current ex who I was with for quite some time was ok but better than the other casual sex I had. Most of the time it was boring even tho it wasn’t vanilla, he just wasn’t that great in bed. I always felt disappointed after we were done.

the rest of the men were horrible. I doubt if I will ever have good sex again but I’m old now so it’s becoming less important to me.

Ultimately, if you keep on having sex with men who are no good and don’t give you any pleasure, where’s their incentive to change or put any effort in? Three years with somebody who finished in seconds and rarely made you come? Marriage to somebody you describe as boring and repetitive in bed? Why?

It isn’t a matter of “luck” but one of working out why you don’t feel able to ask for and expect good sex and why you keep settling for men who are just bad at it right from the beginning.

This is largely my experience too

I met my H when I was 33, so between the ages of 17 and 33 I had loads of ONS fuelled by alcohol. The sex seemed amazing at the time and I loved the excitement of sex with strangers, but on reflection it was probably mostly naff. I look upon that time quite fondly now.

We've been married 30 years and we haven't had sex for over 10 years. It was boring and he only wanted to do what he wanted to do and wouldn't do anything I wanted. I always had to work to get him hard which I found a complete turn off. The sex was predictable and over quite quickly and made me feel like a blow up doll. I cringed when he touched me and one day I'd had enough and told him outright that our sex life was over for good.

I used to think of myself as a sensual and passionate woman but he killed that. Now I feel like I don't care if I never have sex again.

I have no idea why I stayed with the 3 year one. He was truly dire. I think after the abuse from my ex before him (dc father) I just wasn't very picky. I almost felt flattered. But I was much younger and can see now that it was just bad sex.

My dh does give me pleasure but it's just his medical issues that make sex problematic. I would like spontaneous sex but this isn't possible with someone who needs to take a pill an hour in advance. And the finishing issue makes me feel like there's something wrong with my body or technique. But the sex itself is enjoyable.

"I used to think of myself as a sensual and passionate woman but he killed that. Now I feel like I don't care if I never have sex again"

This is really sad

Do you focus on your pleasure during sex as well as your partners? It should be about both of your orgasms, not just his- it sounds like you should do some solo work to see what you like and apply it a bit more with your partner

This thread and its replies are definitely getting turned into newspaper articles.

Really? Would make boring, depressing reading.

Juicy details on how husbands are failing to satisfy their wives in bed? It’s clickbait gold.

(Not saying you’re wrong to bring it up or that people shouldn’t reply sincerely - it’s clearly an important topic.)

From my experience, most guys are not that great in bed.

i have absolutely no doubt this is true but it applies to most women as well. Makes me wonder if there's actually a problem with sex in this country?

OP - as for your conundrum, it's almost impossible to say but does sound like you've been particularly unlucky - even comments like having a drink not being conducive to good sex when I'm my experience it generally leads to swinging from the chandeliers.

Back to your OP, does your DH ever try to be spontaneous? I can see a circumstance where he takes a pill an hour before you even know he fancies a bit, or even where he doesn't but focusses on your pleasure only. His finishing off sounds psychological in my opinion unless there's another issue at hand because if it's being done by hands than he's physically capable but needs to use his mind more perhaps? That's something you should be able to talk through I'd have thought.

Overall though sex comes down to communication of wants, needs and desires and it sounds like this is missing from your relationship? If it's a bit dull and vanilla you should be able to discuss that and ideas to spice things up. We went to a sex shop last weekend and bought a couple of things for example - that's something fairly normal to do as a couple which opens communication quite nicely.

Luckily I'm only 29, so my libido is still quite high. If they last long enough, I will get my bit from it anyway.

My issue seems to be, I can get there through penetration alone, which means anyone I have been with does not see the point in any foreplay. They get lazy.

One of my exes too, seemed obsessed with the back package and only seemed excited if this was on the cards, which obviously you can't every time.

After having an abusive marriage, I always put up with mediocre sex as I placed it's importance fairly low compared to how someone actually made me feel as a whole.

The best sex I ever had was a FWB relationship, that I had tried to turn into an actual relationship but he was not interested. He was actually one of the smallest I had, he was aware of his size, so had learned different techniques, the right positions and leaned a lot on foreplay and toys.

Get really selfish, focus on your experience. Use a bullet and some really good lube such as "Yes OB", orgasm by yourself, ask your partner if he wants to watch you. Try positions where he penetrstes you from behind or lying down sideways and use the bullet on the front, stimulation inside and out, might give you a nice orgasm.

By the way, I m sure your body is sexy as hell.

I have slept around quite a bit and I could never ever be in a relationship with a man that needed viagra.

I also decided that I wouldn’t choose a life partner based on sex.

I’ve had some amazing sex and these men were not suitable to be in a relationship with.

I have only 1 experience of viagra, and he was like a mechanical bull, not normal, didn't become hard and soft in a normal rythem of sex, it can become uncomfortable for the ladies as its relentless rather than a normal climax.

My experience is fairly expansive as I was a bit wild in my 20s and yes, a lot of men were absolutely shit in bed. Whether they just didn't know what they were doing and hadn't bothered to try, lasted seconds or were just plain selfish in bed. I also found that if a man was really really good looking, he oftentimes lacked sexual presence because he hadn't really had to try to acquire and keep partners. Which was such a downer because when you really fancy someone you want it to be amazing! But then when they present very little to contend with sexually, that lust fades fast.

Out of my sexual partners (probably about 35-40), a grand total of 5 have made me finish. 3 of the 5 being long term relationships (thankfully one of whom is my fiancé and dad to my DD). Those three were learned experience to get me there so of anything casual only 2 managed which is pretty pitiful success rate.

A big issue is porn as well, a lot of people learn that sex is a performance aimed at men's pleasure, ignoring female pleasure and fore plan quite often and that vanilla sex is boring or embarrassing, so will choke or spank a partner on their first experience together without prior discussion.