Need advice. Colleague pursuing me

[CaptainPlanets]

Hi there, I need advice.

I am a happily married woman and have worked in a new office for 5 months now. I always talk about my husband however my team leader has seemed to take an interest in me. I believe he is flirting with me although his comments have remained light hearted/joking.

I ignore the comments or change subject/talk about my husband but he doesn't seem to get the hint. I don't want to escalate as he hasn't done anything but be overly friendly so far and I don't want to tarnish my reputation within the office.

I am feeling horrible about this, please help

Tell him to stop.
If he doesn’t, go to HR.

What @GrazingSheep said!

Bleugh. Sorry you’re enduring this.

I bet he has a track record of this ! Tell the sleeve to stop or you’re going to HR, he’s harassing you .

• sleeze😂

He's definitely a sleaze. He is quite the womaniser from what I understand however he's doing it in a way where it would be hard to report. It's covert if that makes sense. I talk about DH all the time and just told him how we celebrated DH's 47th in Spain. Hasn't stopped him

Hi @CaptainPlanets because it's covert and you've not been there that long i understand it's difficult. For now you could keep a log, if things escalate you will have evidence, times dates what was said who else was there at the time.
Hope the above helps x

Next time he makes a lighthearted joke that you believe to be flirting, try,

Can you explain that?

And then wait for his answer, to which you can say,

No, sorry still don't understand, can you explain what you mean?

And that should do the trick, even with covert difficult to pin down nonsense.

Thankyou @Summer2424 . I feel so foolish. I believed that he was only seeking friendship so I joked around with him, never in an inappropriate way. The same way I'd talk to everyone. I feel like perhaps I've lead him on and it's my fault.

Can you give examples of things he’s said or done so we can think of retorts you can say in response?

it’s hard for me to advise otherwise, but it’s never a bad thing to start to record the incidents ie dates/times/what was said/who witnessed it

This is basically tantamount to sexual harassment - which is never the fault of the victim.

it’s highly unlikely that you led him on

@macbooks he talks about all the women he's "picked up" over the weekends and tells me about his pick up lines. At first I thought it was just jokey banter as he's in his early 30s but then I noticed it's only around me. I feel awful

I've had male friends in the workplace all my life and have never experienced this. Once I mention my husband they have all respected my marriage and have treated me as just another person

A woman shouldn't need to stand behind the fact that she's got a husband in order to make male colleagues stop harassing her. They're stopping because of respect for the husband, not the woman in front of them.

So if you've not got a husband it's ok to continue? It's not.

It's not your fault, no need to feel awful, but don't let it slide, ask him to explain the "joke" and it will lose it's appeal very quickly.

@CaptainPlanets oh god no no please don't think you've lead him on! Defo keep a log x

If that was me I'd tell him to fuck off

When he starts going on about women he picked up say something like
'That's too much info' then change subject.
Going on about one lines, jokingly say 'so not appropriate for work place' then change subject.

@Hankunamatata that's actually really good. Thank you. I don't know why I couldn't think of that myself.

@Summer2424 thank you. I just feel like ive betrayed my DH somehow. He doesn't know as we've been in a slightly rough patch. Still very much love each other but the last couple months haven't been as easy

in these situations I always play it a bit odd.

So when he makes suggestive/odd/slimey comments reply with a “I don’t understand? What do you mean?”

that way it stops him able to say things without saying them, usually it shuts most men down as they don’t want to be super upfront. But if he’s mad enough to say what he’s trying to allude to you can respond with. Wow very inappropriate, I’m happily married.

A favorite retort of mine to grubby stories of sexual exploits is to look them straight in the eye and say that if they had anybody to do those disgusting things with they'd be off doing them rather than telling me about it. Or, as soon as he starts telling you sleazy stuff, just tell him this is inappropriate and you don't want to hear it. Can you get your husband to pick you up from work one night? Only refer to your husband in the most glowing terms. I suspect this creep tries this on with most new female employees. I would try to never be alone with him.

Sorry didn't realise this was an old thread. Hope she got rid of him though.