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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed friends aren't coming to DC's party?

51 replies

strawberrye · 15/02/2023 09:12

My DC's 3rd birthday is coming up and it will be the first birthday where they will have had a birthday party due to covid. I have a group of close friends who all have children a similar age and we meet quite regularly for playdates. All of these friends' children have had birthday parties in the past year or so which have been well attended by others in this friendship group.
It turns out no-one from the group is coming to my DC birthday, yet everyone is attending another birthday party of one of the group DC a couple of weeks later.
AIBU for being upset about this?

OP posts:
strawberrye · 15/02/2023 12:42

I don't think my DC has upset any of them. My DC has been bitten by one of the other children a couple of times, but my DC has never hit or bitten any of them. She can throw frequent and impressive tantrums but I think it's within the range of normal for her age and she's never really had a significant tantrum around them. I was under the impression she had a nice relationship with them and that they were my close friends but this has really knocked my confidence in our friendships and made a horrible negative voice in my head think maybe me/DC just isn't likeable or liked? Or maybe I'm a terrible parent or something. Hence wanting to hear some impartial views on here for a sense check.

OP posts:
cptartapp · 15/02/2023 12:58

I would sadly think your negative voices might be right.
Pathetic excuses.
I would tone it right down with them.

new2mn · 15/02/2023 13:43

Sadly yes, it sounds like something more may be going on. Is there a more trusted friend within the group you could casually mention or ask about this, when meeting one on one?

Mumclub · 16/02/2023 07:14

If they are your close friends why can’t you just say - ‘are you all being serious? These are the worst excuses I’ve ever heard. Have I done something to upset you?’ It all seems a bit bizarre really…

LongRoadtoNowhere · 16/02/2023 07:26

Those are shit excuses, I’d be pissed off too. I’d definitely cool down the friendship and probably wouldn’t attend their parties.

Side note, I will never understand how someone could think 7 weeks is too long notice 😂If someone invited me to a party with 2 weeks notice there isn’t a single chance we’d all be free!

I’m going to a 1st birthday party on Saturday that I was told about in November. I just put it in my calendar - that’s what they’re for.

NerrSnerr · 16/02/2023 07:33

Before I book a party I check with my children's closest friends' parents to check they are free on that day before I book. That usually helps.

Chasedbythechaser · 16/02/2023 11:42

Side note, I will never understand how someone could think 7 weeks is too long notice 😂If someone invited me to a party with 2 weeks notice there isn’t a single chance we’d all be free!

I’m going to a 1st birthday party on Saturday that I was told about in November. I just put it in my calendar - that’s what they’re for.

But you aren’t all invited so you don’t all need to be free. For most kids parties, it’s one parent and the child who was invited, not the whole family.

My kids are older (primary aged) and the invitations are usually sent two weeks beforehand. If they are sent too far in advance, it’s very likely the invitation will be accepted at the time, but if something better/more important comes up, they will not make the kids party, by which time you will have organised food etc.

A recent example, a child was invited to a party, the child’s mother accepted on the child’s behalf. A week before the party, the mother sent a message to say her older child was playing a match and they were all going to support the older child. Another mother accepted but then got tickets for a rugby match and wasn’t available and another child wasn’t well in the days coming up to the party.

Seven weeks beforehand is far too long for a kids birthday party unless it’s your own kid!

It’s different if it’s an adult party when people have to travel, arrange childcare, book accommodation etc.

redskydelight · 16/02/2023 12:24

Side note, I will never understand how someone could think 7 weeks is too long notice 😂If someone invited me to a party with 2 weeks notice there isn’t a single chance we’d all be free!

Because most people don't really prioritise children's parties, and won't commit to going to them so far in advance. I assume you don't have primary age children? Would be rare for the parties to be organised more than 2-3 weeks ahead. They end up being a thing you shuffle routine arrangements around.

This is a slightly grey area though - in that the friendship seems to be more with the parents than the children, so it's not really prioritising the party, but the getting together of friends.

strawberrye · 16/02/2023 12:30

There's clearly a difference of opinion regarding notice to give. I think it's irrelevant really to this scenario as my friends all said no or likely no straight away upon receipt of the invite.

The reason I chose 7 weeks is because it was similar to the notice given to all other children's parties we had been invited to. We also prefer more notice as its unlikely we'd be free if we received an invite for something at a weekend with a fortnight's notice.

This is the first birthday party I've ever organised, as I said in the original post I haven't been able to previously due to covid. I'm more than happy to admit I've clearly not planned it perfectly and I'll take on board the range of opinions here for next time.

OP posts:
strawberrye · 16/02/2023 12:32

It is both really - we were friends before having children, the adults have remained friends through our pregnancies and having the kids, and now our children are friends. Or so I thought!

OP posts:
MyCatIsAnnoyinglyCute · 16/02/2023 12:34

Yanbu for being upset about it, especially as they seem to be making an effort for the other children. It’s hurtful.

At our primary school at least 4 weeks notice is given as the norm, 2 weeks is way too little as most people will have plans by then.

JMSA · 16/02/2023 12:35

Aww, that's a shame SadFlowers

merlotlover · 16/02/2023 12:47

That sounds really sly
I'd bin them off, when your dc starts school you'll find lots of new mum friends I'm sure
I hope she has a lovely birthday

ImSoConfusedAboutItAll · 16/02/2023 13:00

Do they all know they've all declined or are they unaware? Don't let the replies here get in your head. They may not seem like good reasons but they could be genuine and it's just unfortunate. I imagine if they all were aware that they'd all declined they'd feel bad about it.
Please don't start worrying that it's you or your child. It isn't that deep I'm sure.

Chasedbythechaser · 16/02/2023 13:02

MyCatIsAnnoyinglyCute · 16/02/2023 12:34

Yanbu for being upset about it, especially as they seem to be making an effort for the other children. It’s hurtful.

At our primary school at least 4 weeks notice is given as the norm, 2 weeks is way too little as most people will have plans by then.

Most people don’t prioritise kid’s parties though regardless of whether the original invitation was accepted.

In a classroom of twenty five kids, if even half the children have parties, that is twelve separate weekend half days used up! Most people will not turn down a better offer just to bring a child to party. They will try to work the party around other family member’s schedules at most.

But OP there is something more going on here with the dynamics of the adult friendship group. Your friends are deliberately doing this. I would step away from this group.

Dominoeffecter · 16/02/2023 13:04

Ahh that totally sucks, YANBU.

Whataretheodds · 16/02/2023 13:07

Mumclub · 16/02/2023 07:14

If they are your close friends why can’t you just say - ‘are you all being serious? These are the worst excuses I’ve ever heard. Have I done something to upset you?’ It all seems a bit bizarre really…

This

DogInATent · 16/02/2023 13:30

Why not ask 2-3 of them directly if there's an issue with that day that you haven't thought about. They may be mumbling poor excuses because they're uncomfortable pointing out something that they think is a blindingly obvious problem.

SVRT19674 · 16/02/2023 14:11

That is not nice OP, you have made the effort with their kids and not one single one of the group is bothering with you. I think the message is clear. I would cool this off. It´s past it´s sale date.

Kacy75 · 16/02/2023 14:13

Is it possible that they have an event on already that you werent previously invited too which is why their replies are so vague.

cheatingcrackers · 16/02/2023 14:49

Yeah that's really rubbish OP. In my similar group of friends the adults would've been gutted to miss the kids' parties as they're like nieces and nephews really. I haven't missed any of that group's parties in 9 years now. Something is going on.

Btw I like getting plenty of notice for parties - anything less than 4 weeks and we probably wouldn't be able to manage. At our primary school 4-6 weeks is pretty standard but the earlier the better as far as I'm concerned! (Small classes though so we aren't inundated with parties)

DramaLlama20 · 16/02/2023 14:56

Mumclub · 16/02/2023 07:14

If they are your close friends why can’t you just say - ‘are you all being serious? These are the worst excuses I’ve ever heard. Have I done something to upset you?’ It all seems a bit bizarre really…

This! 'I might be away but no plans yet.' Weird.

Dominoeffecter · 16/02/2023 15:00

Is there a group chat you can just ask them on, it seems so odd that no of them can make it.

Chasedbythechaser · 16/02/2023 15:00

DramaLlama20 · 16/02/2023 14:56

This! 'I might be away but no plans yet.' Weird.

It’s almost like they are trying to be as obviously rude and hurtful as possible.

Penguinmouse · 07/12/2023 11:00

Really poor excuses. It’s a shame but I wouldn’t be going to things for their children in future.