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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is there anything I can do?

12 replies

Wife2b · 14/02/2023 21:00

This breaks my heart, I’m sobbing in my car as we speak.

My dear grandmother lost her husband many years ago and found comfort with the gentleman who lived nearby. Over time they became companions and then a couple. They never moved in with one another but would be together every single day from 9 in the morning until 9 at night (both liked routine). Over the last 11 years, they have been all each other has. My grandmother has cared for him, nursed him through cancer (which he recovered from), she’s the one giving him his pills and they survived covid together.

In November last year, they caught covid again. This time he didn’t recover so well and had to go into hospital. My grandmother was told he likely wouldn’t make it through the night but he did. Whilst this was going on, his estranged daughter collected his house keys, car keys, money from my gran she had been looking after him. Apparently she was power of attorney from many years ago. He recovered but his mind wasn’t the same, he thought he and my granny were going off on a cruise soon to get married, he started forgetting my gran and went from the hospital to the care home whereas before he lived independently. My grandmother at that time was his next of kin so received regular updates and last saw him on Christmas Day.

Then his daughter removed my granny from being his next of kin so she stopped having any rights to visit him or get any updates. My granny is a practical woman and has accepted that she has to move on, she’s old and doesn’t want any trouble (the daughter is a nasty piece of work). But my heart is breaking for her, she’s had so much upset and loss in her life, I don’t know how she copes but she’s made of strong stuff. I suspect the daughter is worried about his assets etc but none of us could care less about that, we love him and have been his family for the last 11 years.

There is no closure for us or my granny, most importantly my granny. To go from a 24/7 companion to nothing must be so unbearable though she is being brave and distracting herself with my pregnancy, seeing friends etc. We don’t even know if he is still alive and if he is, what if he thinks she isn’t there because she no longer loves him. It’s just heartbreaking.

Is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Wife2b · 14/02/2023 21:02

To make things worse, we live 3 hours away from my granny so can’t see her as often as we’d like. I hate the thought of her being alone.

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 14/02/2023 21:06

Surely anyone can visit him - mum used to have loads of random visitors. Why would the care home not let him in? Or could she write to him?

mycatsanutter · 14/02/2023 21:09

Ah this is so sad , has anyone rung the home on her behalf ? Surely she can visit

Original poster
Wife2b · 14/02/2023 21:10

Maybe she could write to him, I never thought of that.

OP posts:
Want2beme · 14/02/2023 21:22

So sorry for your granny. That's heartbreaking and so bloody selfish of his daughter.

I can't imagine she'd be stopped from seeing him by his carers. Did your granny ever visit his GP with him? Maybe the GP could help or adviseFlowers

winterchills · 14/02/2023 21:24

Odd that she can't visit? Just because shes not next of kin shouldn't mean she cant visit. Thats very weird, i would be contacting the home

Original poster
Wife2b · 14/02/2023 21:30

Thank you, I’ll speak to her. Maybe she has assumed she can’t as when she called the hospital they said she was no longer next of kin and so weren’t able to give her any updates.

OP posts:
IsItBedtimeYetNope · 14/02/2023 21:32

I swear I read this exact story about 2 years ago on here. Must be a common one these days. 🤷‍♀️ Not a lot you can do really aside from organise a visit to the care home.

Original poster
Wife2b · 14/02/2023 21:38

Doesn’t surprise me. I’ve asked a couple of people at work about what they’d do and they’ve said this happened to such and such. Apparently people get nasty and lose sight of what really matters when money and wills are involved.

OP posts:
AgathaX · 14/02/2023 21:48

That's so sad. I would go into that home and talk to the carers. They must have seen this before, and also must know the value to both your gran and this man of them being able to see each other.

Ludo19 · 14/02/2023 22:07

Only thing you can do OP is be there for her. I know you live a distance away but phone her regularly. Give her wee updates on your pregnancy etc. You sound so lovely and caring. Your Granny sounds an amazing woman.

Original poster
Wife2b · 14/02/2023 22:52

Thank you, I appreciate the advice. My granny is fantastic, through her life she has lost 2 babies and a son at 17. She’s been treated poorly by other relatives who have used her to get what they want and took advantage of her kind nature but stopped contact when she was no longer any value (babysitting mainly). She means the world to me and it hurts to imagine the pain she must be in right now. I’d have her here if I had the room. Sadly she isn’t a rich woman so lives in social housing which limits her options to move house. We’ve looked at options for her to move near to us but she needs a local connection so we’d need to have lived here for 6 years. Unfortunately moving there isn’t an option really because of work but we try to visit as often as we can and she visits too.

OP posts:
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