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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think dh is playing with my head

24 replies

isitallinmyhead · 14/02/2023 19:22

I have my mum staying with us for half term. DH always invites my mum over and then sits there all polite, smiley and chatty with her while not speaking to me, avoiding eye contact and generally making me feel very uncomfortable and when I ask what's wrong he ignores me only to tell me later nothing.
I have been thinking and realising every time we are at my parents or they are here he is always friendly and chatty while having some problem with me which he denies after silent treatment and feeling awkward.
My mum often notices an atmosphere.
Is this some sort of manipulation or is it all in my head, it is every time and he says after it was me that seemed off.

OP posts:

WhiskersPete · 14/02/2023 19:26

Sounds like he's gaslighting you. It's a control thing.

nutbrownhare15 · 14/02/2023 19:31

I would ask him directly to his face in front of your parents 'is there a reason you won't talk to or look at me?'

007DoubleOSeven · 14/02/2023 19:31

nutbrownhare15 · 14/02/2023 19:31

I would ask him directly to his face in front of your parents 'is there a reason you won't talk to or look at me?'

Yep

Butchyrestingface · 14/02/2023 19:32

What other nutty shite does he get up to?

piedbeauty · 14/02/2023 19:32

If your mum notices it too, there's definitely something there.

How weird. Does he do this with any other friends?

Original poster

isitallinmyhead · 14/02/2023 19:34

That's what I feel like but he's not like it any other time, usually when it's just us he's loving and attentive and then when my mum comes who he invited he gets moody and sulky but hides it and is chatty and friendly to my mum while I wonder what's wrong and then he says nothing it was me who was being off.

OP posts:

LeavesOnTrees · 14/02/2023 19:35

Butchyrestingface · 14/02/2023 19:32

What other nutty shite does he get up to?

This

What else does he do ? If that's it then confront him and ask why he's being so odd.
What happens if you ask him a direct question in front of your mum ? Does he just sit there in silence ?

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 14/02/2023 19:36

why does he invite your mum? i'd leave him to it next time - or take your mum out. fuck him. (well, don't!). What's he playing at?

Madamecastafiore · 14/02/2023 19:38

Ask your mum to tell him the atmosphere he creates when she's there makes her feel uncomfortable and she'd rather not come when he asks. Call him out on it. See what he says then.

Botw1 · 14/02/2023 19:38

Stop asking him what's wrong.

He's obviously looking for a reaction (which is really odd behaviour) so stop giving him one.

If he wants to pretend he's not doing anything, play along.

EmmaDilemma5 · 14/02/2023 19:38

If it was a one-off, I'd think perhaps he's feeling left out and makes a point to take over the interaction.

But the fact he does it every time, and denies it, screams a control thing to me.

It would be a deal breaker for me. Stop it now or we're over.

fastandthecurious1 · 14/02/2023 19:42

Get rid. My friends ex partner did this, told her she needs to be sociable have friends and family round and arrange this for her sometimes to then be over nice but shoot her bad looks the whole time and passively make comments about how he's always helping her and she's so ungrateful etc so while looking like the life and soul of the company but the whole time we feel and she knows he wants everyone gone and once we do go she gets a lecture about how people are always round and she never made a cup of tea he's so busy etc etc

It's a no win situation I'm afraid

Original poster

isitallinmyhead · 14/02/2023 19:43

My mum lives a few hours drive and comes down for a few days in half term sometimes so we can have a few days out with the dc or we go down there.
He gets on great with my family and always suggests we get together but then gives me an awkward silence which he strongly denies but it's not anything he does any other time and everything else in the marriage is good.
I've tried to call him out but he simply denies it and says he was fine.

OP posts:

Original poster

isitallinmyhead · 14/02/2023 19:46

but shoot her bad looks the whole time

This is exactly it, just enough for me to know something wrong but then if I ask what I've done he says nothing, what's up with you?

OP posts:

LeavesOnTrees · 14/02/2023 19:46

Next time he does it, point at him and say out loud 'see you're doing it now'.

AfraidToRun · 14/02/2023 19:49

my ex used to this. They are just wired weird. I recommend a new one.

LibrariansGiveUsPower · 14/02/2023 19:50

That’s mega weird. Is he normally behaved the rest of the time or does he embarrass you in other ways?

Roundabout78 · 14/02/2023 19:54

Him denying it is gaslighting you, love. It’s a control and manipulation tactic. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Please don’t allow him to make you question your own sanity.
call him out in front of your parents next time and watch his reaction.

LimeCheesecake · 14/02/2023 19:58

So he’s creating a situation where you hate having your mum over then?

if you want to try to salvage things, I would say next time he’s invited your mum over, before she arrives say that you’ve noticed he always creates a bad atmosphere and gives you the silent treatment when she’s over and your mum has noticed it too. Obviously he’ll deny it, so say you’ll point it out to him as it’s happening and do make sure you do.

that said, if his aim is to create upset and separate you from family, he’ll move onto something else.

Newnamefornewyear2023 · 14/02/2023 20:04

Sounds like he’s pissed off that your mum is visiting but being incredibly polite to her so that he can’t be criticised, while (perhaps almost subconsciously?) taking it out on you. Can you ask him to be really honest with you about how he feels about her visits? Whether he finds them an imposition? Obviously you’re entitled to have your mum visit but you need to get to the bottom of it

piedbeauty · 14/02/2023 20:07

@Newnamefornewyear2023 , didn't you read that OP said DH always invites my mum over?

Roundabout78 · 14/02/2023 20:16

@LimeCheesecake has got it 100% spot on. He’s orchestrating a situation where you’ll not want to invite your mum over, this alienating you from your family.

BigglyBee · 14/02/2023 20:20

Roundabout78 · 14/02/2023 20:16

@LimeCheesecake has got it 100% spot on. He’s orchestrating a situation where you’ll not want to invite your mum over, this alienating you from your family.

Yes, I couldn't work out at first why it all felt quite sinister, when it seems fairly minor on the face of it. But I think that's it, the attempt to isolate. And isolation is so often the first stage of abuse...

EarringsandLipstick · 14/02/2023 20:29

Oh God. I got chills reading this.

My ex did this. I didn't even know the word 'gaslighting' at the time. In his case, he was charming & friendly to everyone but would subtly set me up to be 'the nagging wife' by not doing something or creating a situation, and if I said anything I looked like a hypercritical bitch.

Or he'd be awful, unhelpful, have messed up something in advance of people visiting, I'd be miserable & stressed, he'd be relaxed & welcoming ...

Or he'd wait until everyone was gone & say or do something vicious.

It was all so at odds with how he behaved to others, years later even my family thinks I've made it up to an extent.

Anyway OP, the difficulty is if you call it out, they'll use it as more evidence you are crazy. However, you must, and then you must examine your relationship. I suspect you'll find he does more than just this.

Flip