When you feel like you’ve done it all

[Betheredoneitall]

I know I’m being unreasonable and ungrateful and totally selfish, but Valentine’s Day must be playing with my emotions!

Is there a point in your life where it’s normal to feel like you’ve done all the ‘big’ things and you ask yourself actually what is next for me?

I’m 5 years married with 2 beautiful children. We are in a loving and happy marriage and my family is wonderful. There’s no chance of any more children on the horizon (mutual decision).

I’m watching these couples today on TV getting engaged and thinking gosh they’ve got so much to look forward to. I see videos of new borns being introduced to the family for the first time and I think, I’ll never feel that feeling again. I don’t think it’s helped by the fact we married much earlier than our friends and it’s only now we have all the wedding invites flowing in and baby announcements. I’m jealous and I want to do it all over again.

I’m not sure what I’m to do with these feelings. Are they just normal - does everyone go through this period? Is it a sign that I should be doing something with these feelings - although I’ve no idea what! Or am I just being ridiculous and I need to step away from the TV and social media and go take a long hard look at myself in the mirror?

I’d day be kind… but I’ve posted on AIBU? 😂

You need to find something else to focus yourself on. I turned to sport and competition. Not at high level but starting new ones and challenging myself.

It can be anything. There's always something to aspire to.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I fully understand how you feel.

Personally, I didn’t get any of those moments. I didn’t have a “proper” proposal and we eloped for a whole host of reasons - I don’t regret it but I do wish I could’ve had (all the good parts of) a big proposal and wedding. I also feel sadness when I think about introducing my mum to DD for the first time. My brother and SIL didn’t even ask about me or DD and my DM hadn’t even held her before SIL brought out an ultrasound scan to tell us she’s pregnant and so the entire discussion was about her. No one took any photos or even held DD - my mum text me later that day to ask what her name is. I feel like I didn’t get that moment at all.

On the other hand, think about all the stress and money and anxiety with those things - weddings in particular. How hard it is dragging yourself up with a newborn to prepare for guests, to have to put everyone else first when you just want to cuddle your baby and stay in your pjs. The stress of balancing family dynamics and food preferences for the wedding… is it really worth it?

But, as you said, this is AIBU so we’ll both be lambasted. At least we can be unreasonable together.

People are entitled to change their mind when time affects the way you feel about something and forcing someone to parent a non wanted child when you feel tired and unmotivated at doing it again is not healthy for anyone.

You too are perfectly entitled to still want more children. Neither is wrong to feel as they do and be hurt by the other's position but resentment won't make things any better.

Sadly, it does come to what matters most. If it's another child, you'll have to give up what you have with tour OH. If it is your family as it is now, then you owe them to accept the situation and move on. Resentment will break it anyway.

Oops, wrong thread for my lattest response!

I get that. I’m 34 with a 13,11 and 7 year old. Lovely husband, home, a dog, and now my graduation in September. I feel like that’s it now until I become a Nan lol 😂

I like the ‘boring’ stuff. 😂 Just normal days with my partner and kids and animals. Seeing friends. They’re the best days really, everything’s ok and settled and stable. I never had that growing up so to me, it’s lovely.

Do you have things to look forward to? Holidays, days/nights out? Do you work? Are you happy there? Could you progress? Do more studying? Learn something new? Hobbies?

We have holiday home which we love spending time at. I do a lot of running and I’m in a sports team. Think what you would like to do.

Milestones of your children growing up? Enjoying their company and conversation? Celebrating other friends and family members' milestones?
Professional goals?
Volunteering/social purpose?
Coaching/mentoring?

Doing stuff you want to do just because you enjoy it? Arts, sports, travel?

Throw a party - celebrate your anniversary, all the hard yards you've been through and together.

Your feelings are not unreasonable and I understand what you mean.

We have our first child on the way so that is such an exciting time for us at the moment so whilst I’m not fully in your position I can relate to the engagement and marriage part.

We are the only couple from our friendship groups to be married and I know what you mean when you see friends get engaged or if me or DH know one of his mates is going to propose I feel so excited and in a way wish I could re-live our engagement and wedding again. When a friend tells me about her wedding plans I feel so excited inside and miss that myself!

I think it's normal to feel like that. But remember - All the young couples getting engaged and having babies are all trying to get to the point you are at now. Make a bucket list to do with your family - travel, days out, volunteering etc. you could focus on your career or do an open uni course, maybe get a pet?

I think in many ways OP (I'm not suggesting you're at that age or it's a bad thing, just the situation), what your describing is something loads of people go through - essentially a mid life crisis.

My view is that these things are often driven by the very feelings you're having now, what's the next thing to get excited about, how do you recapture how you felt when.. etc and it does sometimes feel like you've completed life when all these big moments have gone.

Yes YABU. You’re seriously saying that getting married and having kids was the be all and end all of your life? Get a grip, you’re worth more than that (or you should be). You’ve got so much to look toward to when kids are raised. Travel, new career, new hobby, time with partner, friends and family. Tying your entire identity to making a family is not a good way to be mentally healthy. Build your own identity for yourself.

I think you absolutely should do something with these feelings, but not randomly have another child, or waste time getting nostalgic for things you've already done, purely because other people are just doing them now. I mean, surely there's far, far more to your life than your marriage and your children? Isn't there anything you feel you have yet to do? Or want to do?

You have so many exciting life events still to come! All of your children's milestones for starters, house moves, career achievements and longer term your retirement and grandkids. Gosh I feel excited for you and I'm just some random stranger on the Internet!

I don't have or want kids, so no, I don't really understand where you're coming from.
At 38 I have no big life goals remaining. I'm happily married, love our house and the area we live in, like my job and just got promoted, and have a lovely little dog.
For the foreseeable future I plan to just tick over, enjoying life... hiking, running and cycling (but not competitively), chilling in the garden, doing some crafting, walking the dog, seeing friends and family, going out for a nice meal, watching a great new series on tv, always having a nice trip or holiday booked to look forward to (but never too far in advance as I don't want to wish the year away!)
To me this is what contentment looks like.

God no. I've enjoyed each stage. Why look back? Enjoy where you are, and where you are going. Teens need less babysitting, I could go out more with my friends, go away for long weekends to European city breaks. Then they start Uni. Presumably in a bit I'll retire, then possible grandkids? Great. Can't wait.

I appreciate what everyone has said. I think I worry that any big life changes I’ll make now would impact my family (such as a career change) and I know I’m my own person but I can’t just be selfish these days.

I have holidays booked and I am looking forward to our friends weddings and some child free nights away. I do look forward to watching my children grow and seeing the people they turn out to be.

So maybe it is these feelings are telling me to do something more for myself. I am just a mother and a wife and although we have loads planned as a family, I have nothing planned for myself both in my personal life and my career. I think I’ve just lost my way a bit.

I don't think you should use your family as an excuse not to make changes, or an alibi. If you think of your own individual self as somehow a sideshow to your spouse or children's lives, and yourself as someone whose job is to cater to them, then no wonder you feel bored and panicky. Don't lose sight of yourself as an individual person whose worth isn't solely in her relation to other people. I work FT, have a young son, a husband who travels a lot for work, and a visiting foreign teenager, and various other responsibilities, including an ongoing, problematic house renovation, but I'm still taking off solo next week for a couple of days on retreat at a remote location to work on a writing project. A friend with three children is about to head off to do an ultramarathon on another continent. A neighbour in her late 40s with primary-aged children is midway through medical school. There's a whole world out there.

Well social media and what you see on Tv are the edited highlights for a start.

I wonder if many men feel like you are atm op? How much is the narrative drummed into girls and women still that we should find a partner, get married and have children? When there's lots more to life either as well as, or as an alternative.

Is it the excitement and attention involved, or the milestones / achievements you miss op? That might help you figure out what these feelings mean and what you could do next in your life.

I think it's also sometimes influenced by upbringing and how much value family place on these big life events, they can influence feelings, and have expectations (like my dm!)

We're all different personality types as well, I have anxiety and the social anxiety part actually meant I couldn't wait to get some parts over with. My dm had been living her life waiting for me to get married and give her grandkids! She insisted on an engagement announcement and party, that we didn't want, and a huge traditional white wedding that we didn't want. Explaining why we went along with it all would be an entirely different thread. I know some people would love and enjoy those experiences but I was sick with anxiety. Then a few years later there were dm's announcements and plans for a huge christening when we had dd and made her a gm! We did what we wanted to that time though and had things on a small scale, that caused a lot of tension and rows! My point is, I didn't find those times exciting, I was happy and looking forward to being married yes, but the celebrations, the people, photos, Fb posts tagging me etc. I found it all totally overwhelming and didn't enjoy one bit. I know I'm probably unusual in this but we're all different I guess.

Physically I have chronic health conditions and a disability nowadays so I'm just grateful for the small things tbh, I'd love to be able to do more generally and hope to do more for myself when dd is older (she also has asd so needs a lot of support). Would love to turn a hobby I don't get time for these days into a business in the future.

If you don't want to change your career, maybe think about the recreational things you enjoy and find a way to work those muscles.

What were the aspects of your wedding that you really enjoyed? There are charities you could potentially volunteer for that might help you scratch the itch of wedding planning, like Wedding Wishing Well - they organise weddings for terminally ill people, fantastic cause.

Otherwise, I think if you've got the drive and the headspace for it, maybe you could find a 'thing' that you do that benefits your family, like hosting or coordinating a summer barbecue and family fun day in your neighbourhood, or something similar for Christmas. It could give you something to plan for and look forward to each year and give you a challenge!

You just need to set new goals. Once I had DC I had some very focused goals of places I wanted to travel to with them, experiences I wanted them to have in childhood, and supporting them through exams and uni choices etc. These are every bit as big milestones as marrying and having a baby.

Are there no places you've always longed to travel?
Are there no ambitions you've always held? If not look at the lives of people you feel drawn to or even envious of - which famous women do you most admire - top business women and politicians, celebrity academics, fashion designers or singers and actresses, writers or artists? What about the women you know? Which ones do you most wish you were more like? The self-made entrepreneurs or career women? the ones who went back to study and got phDs? The ones with immaculate homes or perfect bodies? The ones who complete marathons and triathlons? The ones who set up a charity?
These will give you clues into what new milestones to work towards.

When I feel like this I remind myself that as at right now I have what lots of these people dream of. My own home, a king standing marriage that is still happy, two lovely children, and work to keep this sustained. I wouldn't want to be searching for something I didn't have again.

Then I turn my hand to baking, or the garden, or a renovation project and get busy.

I think we all need a reminder that sometimes, what we have is enough. And if it really isn't, then be honest about what needs to change and take action!!

Thinking back to the wedding and pregnancy’s I think it was the planning of it all that I enjoyed. I loved having things to do, things that needed doing, we would have things to do on weekends that were purposeful.
My weekends now are filled with soft play and park visits and I honestly do enjoy watching my children have fun but I get none of my own satisfaction.
I think the people making suggestions around the planning of things have hit the nail on the head. Also loved baking prior to children just don’t ever feel like I have that time at the moment, feel my family are very reliant on me. It’s so hard to almost envisage having a small bit of my life for myself. Got myself stuck in a right rut here. Certainly need to shake things up.