To feel sad that I'm done having babies and that it went the way it did

[keepmumming]

I’m 28 and have two healthy children for which I am so grateful, but I feel sad that the stage of growing my family is over and that I had such a bad time of it. I suffered hyperemesis in both pregnancies and was hospitalised repeatedly. In one pregnancy I had premature rupture of membranes which led to week long hospitalisations at 29, 31 and 34 weeks and resulted in an early baby who needed a lot of early support and SCBU stay. The other was difficult for other reasons as we came back high risk for genetic diseases and there was a lot of additional testing and waiting for results and my mental health was at an all time low. Both ended up being emergency caesareans. I also had a pregnancy in between my children in which I suffered 4 and a half months of hyperemesis again just for my baby to be born sleeping. It felt so cruel to go through all of that and end up without my baby.

I just feel a bit sad, I love my kids and one is very much still a small baby so it may be hormonal but I just feel sad about my experience with pregnancy, how after the first time seeing those two pink lines just scared me knowing what I was in for, sad about the baby I lost, sad that I’m so young and am done with that whole part of my life. I would have been open to a third if things had been different but I can’t put myself or my existing kids through a pregnancy knowing I could end up spending most of it in hospital again. I don’t want to put my body through another caesarean. I couldn’t handle another loss or the fear of something being wrong. I want to snap out of it and just enjoy them whilst they are both still small but part of me just feels really sad that this part of my life is over and that it didn't go the way I wanted it to during (I'm obviously happy I ended up with two healthy kids)

AIBU? How do I move past it?

Sorry to hear about that. It sounds as though you're consumed with worrying about the path not taken. I'd just enjoy the life and family you have right now. Dont worry about hypotheticals. In a few years you may look back and wonder why you were worrying. And in a few decades you'll definitely want to look back and know you enjoyed your life and babies.

I absolutely understand your sadness OP and it is totally valid. I had this ideal, fairytale pregnancy planned in my head and it was until we found our our DC was very ill near the end of the pregnancy, we sadly lost him shortly after he was born & my subsequent pregnancies were consumed with fear that I might not be able to bring those babies home either. I was only 22 when I lost him. It's sad you will never have the ideal pregnancy most do (and quite often take for granted). But it's sadly just the hand you were dealt. You'll probably always have that feeling of missing out on the prefect experience but all I can say is keep your focus on your two prefect children, that you had to go through all of that to get them here safely & you did! That's the biggest gift of all.

You are allowed to be happy & sad at the same time & you will get there, but don't feel guilty for feeling sad. Wishing you all the best

I was deeply impacted by the fact that I had to have a planned c section (pre-eclampsia struck in the final month). I was closely monitored and they got my blood pressure under control but I was given a deadline to which the baby had to come out. Medically sound advice which I'd have been an idiot not to agree with. But it felt unfair because I'd had an easy pregnancy and in the last 2 weeks everything changed so fast.

Recovering from the c section impacted my ability to get stuck into breastfeeding. I was left reeling from it all for a good 3-6 months. I felt like such a failure, and so much guilt too (now I'm not sure exactly why I felt guilty but I figured I didn't exercise enough during pregnancy, didn't always eat well etc etc). I needed to blame someone and the only logical person to blame was myself. It was hard for people to understand.

My experience was very mild compared to everything you've been through and it flawed me. I can't imagine how strong you've had to have been and how much all that trauma and stress will have taken out of you.

Some counselling might be helpful. You've been through so much and it's no wonder that has left you with a level of trauma. I think you're doing incredibly well considering everything you've gone through. You're an incredibly brave and strong woman but being strong doesn't mean you can't be deeply sad and upset and need some help processing it all.xx

So sorry other people have felt similarly about their experiences. It's hard because I just never knew the reality of what pregnancy can be like, seemed to be surrounded by people that had only ever breezed through pregnancy and felt so short changed at how it all went. I hate every second of pregnancy and the thought of never having to go through it again genuinely makes me feel relieved but then part of me always thinks, well next time might not be so bad, but it probably would be. I'm booked in to speak to a midwife about all of my experiences, a service my NHS trust offer and I'm hoping it might help me move past it all. My husband is thrilled that this part of life is over and although originally he wanted a third too he has said he doesn't want me to ever be pregnant again and that he doesn't think he could handle it, it was hard on us all. It just feels so final at 28 to say I'm done, especially when part of me never had the experience I wanted