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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Miscarriage now making age gap bigger than expected sadness

19 replies

Newmama93 · 14/02/2023 02:07

Hi all

AIBU? Husband thinks I’m being over dramatic, miscarried yesterday, 7 weeks. Confirmed by the doctor this morning, I’m devastated. I really want to try again as my son is 2 at the end of March, now I’m thinking if I have another MC or we don’t Get pregnant for months, he’s getting older and older. I always imagined two years, I don’t want him being older and having a small sibling and all those years no play mate, I was so overjoyed to be pregnant and it’s been taken away from me. Now it feels so much pressure to be pregnant again and now the clock is ticking to have it ASAP as my son is almost 2 and I’m so overwhelmed.

any advice or is it the hormones and sadness

OP posts:

SeasonFinale · 14/02/2023 02:12

Miscarriages means there is a 9 year gap between my two but they have potentially been closer than if they were similar ages because there was no direct rivalry and they were always at different stages. Both boys. We always joked we are surprised the younger can walk as the older carried him everywhere.

Try not to feel sad. I am sorry for your loss and it is normal for you to mourn not only the loss of your child but how you anticipated your life would be. I wish you all the luck going forward. A very unmumsnet hug and x for you.

Whattheladybird · 14/02/2023 02:15

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was desperate for a two year age gap, but have a four year age gap instead due to secondary infertility. They adore each other in a way I could never have expected.

Original poster

Newmama93 · 14/02/2023 02:19

Thanks so much for the understanding replies and it’s good to know they may still be close no matter the gap. I guess the unknown is scary, what could happen next, how long may it take, going through a MC again, it’s been awful.

OP posts:

Rtmhwales · 14/02/2023 02:20

This was me two years ago. I wanted no more than a 3 year gap between DS and his subsequent sibling. Got pregnant first try 10 months before he turned three. Perfect - and then I had a miscarriage. Next pregnancy took 8 months and I fixated on the age gap obsessively. I also unfortunately had a miscarriage there too. We made the decision to move to IVF and that delayed the next pregnancy a further 14 months. Now we are 12 weeks and they will have just over 5 years between them. It bothers me a bit but the longer it went on, the less I fixated on the gap and just focused on wanting a healthy baby no matter how big the gap.

I think part of it is natural and part of it is grief at your perfect vision of your perfect family slipping away. Once I realized that my dream just had to change a bit I made my peace with it. I hope you can too.

CohenTree · 14/02/2023 02:24

There's no guarantee they would be friends even with a small age gap. My nieces are just under one year apart and they can't stand one another! I am very close to my sister who is 7 years older than me.

CohenTree · 14/02/2023 02:25

p.s. Developmentally a two year old is miles and miles ahead of a one year old so they might not have enjoyed playing together in any case!

Theduchy · 14/02/2023 02:30

3 miscarriages means a 6 year gap between my two and although it's far from what we planned it has been wonderful. DC1 is old enough to really enjoy their little sibling and they absolutely adore each other. I think DC1 would have struggled to share us if the age gap had been a lot smaller. As it is I get time with the baby while eldest is at school and then can give her more quality time together after school.

My sister and I are less than two years apart and have always had a very difficult relationship. Being so close has made her very competitive with me. I'm much closer to sibling who is 4 years younger. I think we massively romanticise sibling relationships when they're children but how many people do you know in real life who's sibling is their "friend for life"?

frazzled101 · 14/02/2023 02:32

I like you was determined for a 2 year age gap to the point that on my sons 2nd birthday I cried because not only did I not have a sibling, I wasn't even pregnant. We had secondary infertility.

We now have an age gap of 3 months 3 years, I had a girl through IVF.

They completely adore each other and sometimes I think it's been for the best. At 4 he has a little more patience for a 1 year wrecking his toys that he would have had at 3.

He was away for a few hours last Saturday and when he arrived home the baby was on my knee. He came running in, gave her a hug and a kiss and said hello my wee darling! I didn't even get a look in!!

pottypotamus · 14/02/2023 02:47

I have a gap of just over 3.5 years between DS and DD1. I too thought it was a large gap but was happy that DS was out of nappies by the time DD1 was born.

Also happy that when I went back to work after DD1, DS was going into school so didn't have to pay for 2 kids at nursery.

There are pros and cons for large and small gaps.

There's 4.5 years between me and older sis and 4 years between me and younger bro. And we had an awesome childhood and are still really close.

sjpkgp1 · 14/02/2023 02:47

Miscarriages hurt your heart, you have the hopes and dreams for the future life that you will be having as soon as that double blue line appears. I am sorry you are going through it and it is bloody awful. But like @SeasonFinale says, having two close together is not the be all and end all. I had a stillborn, and then two children a year apart (boy then girl), I had another girl years 5 years later (due to problems in the intervening times) and then a final son 6 years on (all same dad). The relationship between my second child (girl) and my last child (boy) is beyond special, 6 years apart and so much better than those closer in years - i.e my first son and daughter (12 months apart) and my second daughter and son (15 months apart). Bickering, Rivalry, School friend crap. I've seen it in other families too, where the oldest completely dotes on the younger one, they are happy to be their playmate for most of the time, and they really really love them properly as they are old enough to understand, and also help, and as they grow up they "have their back". A long and rambling post (sorry) but the short version is to say definitely don't fret ! Along with Season, an unmumsnet hug xxx

Wiluli · 14/02/2023 02:49

Why do you put all those imaginary scenarios in your head ? I gave a 2 and half year ago from my sisters and we never been best friends , my daughters have a 5 years gap and love each other to bits . My oldest has a huge 13 year gap to my second and they are brilliant together .
they are siblings , they will find a way to be each other friends no matter what gap they have

GinaGina22 · 14/02/2023 04:38

Hey I'm so sorry for your miscarriage :( I had the exact same feelings as you and every time I mentioned it to someone, they completely belittled those feelings and said I was being silly etc. You're not. You wanted that age gap, you had control over that and now it's gone. I completely get it. And yes, any feelings you have about anything right now will be added to with hormones etc. but they're your feelings and you are perfectly fine to feel them all. Xxxx

My age gap that I planned for would have been perfect for us in terms of practical life. I obviously can't comment on how the relationship between the children would have been. I remember trying asap to get pregnant again each month after the MC and I remember when I passed over that school year (as in, I hadn't gotten pregnant again so that the baby would be in the school year that made practical life easy) and I was so upset.

I did have my rainbow baby and yes, whilst some feeling so disappear once you've got that healthy baby with you, I still think about the age gap that would have been.

Sit with your feelings and allow yourself to feel them. You're not BU or being overdramatic. Sending love xxx

Summer2424 · 14/02/2023 04:44

Hi @Newmama93 so sorry about your MC xx
I had a MC in November 2021, i got a period in December 2021 and got pregnant after that period during ovulation. I had my baby in October 2022 (was overdue).
Hope the above helps, sending you lots of positive vibes xx

user1477391263 · 14/02/2023 04:44

OP, I am sorry that you have been going through this.

”Close together” in age and “close together” in relationship are two entirely separate things. The second is basically about personality more than anything else - and if anything, I see less tension and jealousy when there are bigger, not smaller gaps. They have fewer things to fight over, the older one is less resentful of parents’ attention being “taken away” because they are more independent. It’s also said to be physically healthier for mother and child, because the mother’s body has more time to recover fully for the task of nourishing a new life.

If you have repeated miscarriages, go and get yourself checked out to rule out any issues. But most likely it’s just a matter of time, and you will have your second child before too long!

Emilia35 · 14/02/2023 05:00

I was feeling just like this about a year ago. I wanted a 3 year gap so bad and miscarried at 9 weeks. I was so fixated on getting pregnant again as soon as possible that I think I probably stressed myself out and made TTC take longer. It did take ages (while previously I'd got pregnant straight away), but now I'm pregnant again and my kids will have a 4 year gap, and I couldn't be more excited. My little one understands what's going on and is beyond excited - she helps choosing baby things and is adamant she will help loads when "her" baby is born. She's really maternal so I think she'll really enjoy it.

In terms of sibling relationships, what made me feel much better is seeing that usually siblings with small gaps don't tend to get on, whereas those with bigger gaps do seem to get on much better. This is something you'll have zero control over though no matter their ages. And when your second is here the last thing you'll care about is the age gap :)

Eggling · 14/02/2023 05:30

Hi @Newmama93 firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. I am in a similar position and am grateful for all the positive comments on this thread so thank you for starting it. In my case I wanted three children with small age gaps - less than two years between them. DD was born following ivf almost 2 years ago, we have been trying for number 2 since she turned 1, in that time had 3 losses of ivf embryos and then I also had a miscarriage over the weekend, just as we thought we were finally getting somewhere. It's so sad and hard, and it's difficult to let go of those images I had so I completely sympathise with how you're feeling.

Blondewithredlips · 14/02/2023 05:35

I am so sorry for your loss. I wanted a two year gap too but had miscarriages so it ended up with a 3.5 year gap. My sons have always adored each other and been the best of friends from the start and now as adults.
Please look after yourself and try not to worry.

ShippingNews · 14/02/2023 05:40

Sorry for your loss . Honestly there is no perfect age gap. My sister's DC are exactly 2 years apart and they have never got on at all. Mine were 4 years apart and they got on great. My son how has two daughters who are 17 years apart and they are so close ! Don't ever worry about age gaps - it will all work out.

teawamutu · 14/02/2023 06:13

@Newmama93 I'm so sorry for your loss. Give yourself a break and time to grieve. It's a lonely road 💐

Just in case it helps; I wanted a similar age gap to you, but had two MC on the bounce so DS1 and DS2 are 3.5 years apart.

I was so worried they wouldn't be able to play together, but they adore each other and always have. Teen and preteen now, and still say they're each other's best friend.

OTOH I've friends with siblings much closer in age who can't stand each other...

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