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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not let DS go to his girlfriends and say he can only bring her here?

22 replies

frozentreats · 14/02/2023 01:23

DS is almost 16, his girlfriend is almost 15. They're both autistic and attend a SEN school so are in the same class (it's about ability so the ages are mixed) but if they were in a mainstream he'd be Y11, she’d be Y10.

They've been in a relationship for about 2 years although its been just holding hands for majority of it, just before Christmas DS told me they'd kissed. DS is mentally about 13 and the girl probably is too.

Recently, he did search up porn which did get blocked so he didn't watch any of it, I assume he heard it at school and was curious as to what it was so decided to search it.

Earlier today, he asked my older son for condoms, which he didn't give to him and told me about. I've spoken to DS and he said they're ready to have sex and wanted to use a condom like id told him.

Luckily the girl is away for a few days but how do I approach this, when she comes over here they're in the living room but when they're at her house I know her parents let them go to her room and leaves them with just her older sibling.

WIBU to say he's not to go over there with her and to only bring her here?

OP posts:

JustAskingMate · 14/02/2023 01:26

Are you able to speak to her parents?

currently she’s underage and likely not on contraception so it’s a no presumably.

However when she’s of age and on contraception I don’t see that there’s anything wrong with them having a sex life?

They’ll have the same biological needs, wants and rights like everyone else.

icefishing · 14/02/2023 01:54

I would talk to her parents.

It also seems reasonable to set safe boundaries particularly with a vulnerable 14 year old girl involved.

Daizie · 14/02/2023 08:15

I think I'd speak to her parents, 14 is young!

JennyDarlingRIP · 14/02/2023 08:16

Definitely speak to her parents, these are two vulnerable children and I'm sure they would change their supervision if they had any idea this was afoot

Ohdearnotagain76 · 14/02/2023 08:17

What a hard situation. Well done for your older son to tell you. I think you need to speak to the girls parents if possible, not blurt out do you know their thinking of having sex. Could you perhaps have a word with someone at their school who could talk to them . Explain to your DS that your proud he's taking responsibility for his own life but at the moment their both too young and the damages it can cause if you have sex too young. But let him have some condoms to figure out how the fit and feel, especially if he has sensory issues as they might not like the texture, feel or smell. Good luck

x2boys · 14/02/2023 08:24

I have would speak to.her parents ,and could school not help?
My child is severely autistic and goes to a school for children with severe and profound learning disabilities,so we are unlikely to be in this position
But I know in the school for children for more moderate disabilities they would be able to offer support and and advice .

AuntSallie · 14/02/2023 08:26

I would talk to her parents and come up with a joint plan to ensure they wait to have sex until both are age of consent or a bit later depending on how vulnerable they are due to SEN.

If you unilaterally ban him from her house, her parents are likely to think you have something against them- that their house or their parenting are not safe enough for your son, or that you think their daughter is a bad influence and so are discouraging their relationship.

So I’d get the parents in the know as to what is going on and come up with a joint plan.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 14/02/2023 08:27

You need to speak to her parents as a matter of urgency.

SnarkyBag · 14/02/2023 08:29

It kiddy’s the waters to say they’re almost 16 and 15. Let’s keep to the facts a 15 year old and 14 year old who are vulnerable due to additional needs want to have sex. You need to talk to them both and her parents.

SnarkyBag · 14/02/2023 08:30

Muddy’s not kiddy’s

Mumof3teenagers · 14/02/2023 08:31

In my opinion ( and that of the law), 14 is way too young. You need to speak with her parents urgently.
It’ll be awkward but unfortunately it’s necessary. It would be worse if your ds was accused of anything afterwards. She can’t consent at 14.

CountryMusicHottie · 14/02/2023 08:33

Let’s keep to the facts a 15 year old and 14 year old who are vulnerable due to additional needs want to have sex. You need to talk to them both and her parents.

This.

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 08:35

Talk to her family but do tread carefully because just because they have autism doesn't mean that they have feelings younger than their calendar age. Yes too young currently but you can't refuse to let him have the experiences other teens have when appropriate, perhaps a years time

gogohmm · 14/02/2023 08:35

My dd is autistic and navigating this side is difficult!

SnakeOiler · 14/02/2023 09:06

They’re both underage. So I would say to him that until she is 16 then they cannot have sex, but well done for thinking about contraception and it’s great they both feel ready for it. Keep having conversations.

Original poster

frozentreats · 14/02/2023 12:40

The school could help as they have in the past when I was talking to him about consent etc as he needed that conversation more than once but he does now seem to get it.

I'm not sure if the other parents would though as they weren't very interested a few months ago when she mentioned nudes to DS, they just put it down to it being what teens do.

OP posts:

icefishing · 14/02/2023 12:54

The parents may not be very interested but it seems unlikely they would want a grandchild.

They at least need to talk to their dd about contraception.

I would talk to the school, parents and both dc. Having strong sexual feelings is normal but they need to understand that having sex at their age is against the law.
The time will come but it isn't now.

jtaeapa · 14/02/2023 12:57

Tell him it's illegal and he must wait until she's 16.
Tell the parents of the girl as well.

Viviennemary · 14/02/2023 13:01

I agree talk to her parents. They are both under age and should absolutely not be having sex I agree with taling to the school. I expect they will have come across this issue before.

2bazookas · 14/02/2023 13:41

Tell DS she is legally unable to consent until 16, so they must both wait.

Tell DS condoms are not foolproof contraception.

Talk to her parents asap.

harrassedmumto3 · 14/02/2023 13:49

I think it would be good if both sets of parents got together and had a chat about this. The only thing is, I wouldn't want them to turn against your son because they're thinking of having sex (I say they, but we don't actually know how involved she is in the decision). The whole thing would need to be sensitively handled.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 14/02/2023 13:55

You have been lucky to find out at The Planning Stage.
My ASD ds and his gf recently had sex. I had the pleasure of informing her dps it happened at their home where they assured me they were supervised..
They are bloody 14!!
Get her dps into reality op.

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