to feel like I'll be stuck in my too small house forever?

[Housetrapped]

Will preface by saying I'm aware I'm lucky to have my own house and not to have to be dealing with current rental crisis (although mortgage rates are not much fun ATM either). I didn't buy till I was 37 so spent many years at the mercy of unscrupulous landlords.

I live with my two DC in a small back to back terraced house. Bought with ex. All we could afford at the time so much smaller than we would have wanted. Managed to get ex off the mortgage after we split even though I didn't think it would be possible as I don't earn much but mortgage was relatively small and my credit good so all worked out well. My mortgage is relatively low as we're up north.

Have been with DP for 5 years. He's in rented. We both have DC and my house isn't big enough for his to stay at so he has never moved in. The plan has been for him to clear his debts (which he now has) and to save (which he is now doing) and for us to buy somewhere together but I feel like we've now missed that boat given house prices/cost of living etc.

My house has no storage. My youngest is in a tiny box room. Front door opens directly into the lounge which I hate and it's pretty much only the one room downstairs (kitchen is miniscule) We can hear neighbours turning taps on. Kitchen units are a bit wonky.

On the other hand, it is tidy and cosy and warm and I'm always trying to improve it with small DIY jobs etc. Area is good. I have one neighbour who is like a guardian angel to me. So it's not all bad here.

I don't want a hinch house. I prefer older more rustic houses. But I do want a hallway. And a kitchen big enough to have a proper table that we can sit around and have family meetings like in Happy Valley 🤣

I feel like my kids are growing up fast (14 and 8) and I'm failing to provide them with a "proper" home. I worry that DD doesn't have friends round because there's nowhere for them to hang out apart from her bedroom. I convince myself that everyone else on MN lives in a lovely Victorian house with trendy wallpaper and a kitchen island and those big glass doors into the garden and I feel ashamed of my home 😟 I know this is irrational but I can't help it.

I know I'm being unreasonable. How do I make peace with my tiny house? I just feel that the dream of a "forever home" is rapidly moving out of my reach.

No real advice OP, but solidarity as I feel the same way. When I was a child, I had imagined I would own a big house with a garden (and maybe a horse and a tennis court, ha!) by this stage of my life but instead I’m in a shared ownership flat in an area I would rather not live in. . I do know I’m fortunate compared to some but still, it’s not what I would like ..Like you, I have a plan save up and move on, it’s just going to take a lot longer than planned in the current financial climate.. I would say keep focusing on each small step towards your goal and you will get there in the end.

I am a similar age with just one, far younger DC, but I definitely identify with this. We own a very small Victorian terrace, which we bought as first time buyers a few years back.
Our plan to move somewhere bigger once we had a DC has been screwed up by the current mortgage rates situation. I hate that there's nowhere that my parents could possibly stay if they visit us, so we always have to take our DC to them.
Also, now that we have a DC the lack of storage, which was a mild irritation before, makes me seriously depressed. I am also sad that DC won't get a proper garden with grass for the foreseeable future.

Thanks @shivermetimbers77, good to know it's not just me.

🤣 at the tennis court. A second loo would feel equivalent to me right now!

The thing is, I know more than most that a big house does not equate to a happy family as I grew up in a big, naice house (my DP calls it Southfork!) and couldn't wait to get away due to my dysfunctional and thoroughly miserable parents. They now rattle around in it, avoiding each other. Myself and my siblings all moved away to different countries as soon as we could 😢

At least I know that my DC have only ever known happiness and love in this house, as small as it might be.

🍷 for us.

Solidarity OP. I lived in my dream house that I thought would be my forever home- four bedroom semi in a lovely area, lovely enclosed garden, two downstairs rooms (so I could have a toy room and a toy-free room!) plus a kitchen with large dining table, large deep bath in the bathroom abs separate shower cubicle, garage and the loft boarded out. However I was in an unhappy relationship and separated from my DD’s dad. Neither of us could afford to keep the mortgage by ourselves. We had to sell. With my half I bought my own house- an ex council property, end terrace, three bedrooms but the third is a tiny box, tiny bathroom with half size bath (can’t lie down in it) and shower over the bath, does have a large garden but very overlooked by neighbours all around, one room downstairs plus small kitchen with breakfast bar no room for table, no garage, no boarding in loft. Still adjacent to nice area (close enough to walk to DD’s primary school but wouldn’t have been in catchment if we’d lived here when she started).
I feel so selfish and wretched for hating on my house as there are so many in much much worse positions and as you say OP, it’s cosy and warm and well, it is home now. I’m in a much happier place- I now have lovely DP who lived in and we have baby DD2. At the moment she doesn’t mind the box room but it basically has her cot and wardrobe. There’s more I could do to it (such a boarding the loft, some decorating and new carpets etc) but don’t have the spare now.
I don’t know if we’ll be able to afford to move and I know I should be grateful for what I have but I do catch myself mourning my lovely house sometimes.

the grass is always greener. I feel that. A bigger house though.... you would just fill it with more crap (well I would).

If kids each get their own room then they have somewhere to hang out. don't worry.

Small house equals cozy and fun. Big house equals empty, cold and lots and lots of diy

Are you in Leeds? I grew up in a back to back for 10 years with sister and our single Mum. Presume you have had loft done. Have you looked into what could be done with basement if have one -always a lot cheaper than moving. With regards living in a small house -we are just coming out the other side from raising 5 children in a small house -difficult at times but eldest 2 now long gone and mortgage long paid off so can spend money doing things with all 5 kids -and no one ever moaned about suffering living in a small house -teenagers are expensive! They will remember and appreciate extracurricular activities and family holidays/time spent together which you can well afford if not mortgaged to hilt!

Perhaps shared ownership is an option?

I think you've done fantastic OP, and I don't think you should throw in the towel for a bigger home yet. Your DP has cleared his debts and is saving.

We've had historically low interest rates on mortgages for the last several years, and from what I've read, they are unlikely to dip so low again, but they are likely to go down.

I the meantime, take comfort knowing that you are providing your children with security and a loving home which you can call your own. Hopefully, in the future, you'll get your dream home.

Thanks @MakingTheVeganYorkshirePud that's a lovely post. On a good day I agree with your optimistic thoughts 🙂

@kathmacc Not Leeds but not a million miles away. Loft was done prior to me living here. Basement could potentially be done giving one more room but it would have to be either another bedroom OR another living area and we would need both for DP to be able to move in here so not really a solution.

@Youdoyoubabe You're right - having no storage gives me no choice but to be ruthless with belongings. I'm always bringing bags to the charity shop. I would just appreciate a bit more space for everyone to chill and feel comfortable.

I live in a small 1 bedroom flat and desperate to get on the property ladder. I saved for years but there's just no way in this situation we're all living in.
My sister owns a home and is looking for her second property as we speak. She has a partner who is on good money but to be honest I don't envy her. Her life is so hectic, she barely stops and everytime I see her she's a bag of nerves.
I just want a nice cosy little house I can call my own so by the sounds of it you have it made x

Is an extension a possibility?

I would stick with his-and-hers houses for your children’s financial security, privacy and happiness while they are living with you.

@Kate8990 I totally get you on that. I'm very risk averse (plus have GAD) and would simply not be able to function with a massive mortgage/living beyond my means. At least I know I can manage my mortgage as things are currently. Sorry you aren't making the progress you would like to be 🍷. It's such a horrendous time in general 😢

@Domino20 Back to back terrace so no extension possibilities.

I think I just need to accept things as they are and stop comparing my situation to other people's.

Am really appreciating your opinions. Thank you.

@Housetrapped Same here, I'm always one to play it safe. Hopefully things calm down and we can all afford to move forward in life. I'd happily take your house any day though 😂

@BeardieWeirdie that's a whole other thing. DP suggested I rent my house out and we all move in together to rented years ago, I said a flat no. I'm not uprooting my kids from their home to go to a rented bigger house. I also am not willing to be an accidental landlord and the stress of that would likely kill me within a year.

I do know that after 5 years my DP's intentions are good (he's one of the good ones and believe me after 15 years on MN I know!) but I am still aware that I would be bringing my equity into any house purchase and would seek legal protection/ring fencing accordingly. I would also never get married for these reasons.

We are in a similar situation. Tiny 2 bedroom, no dining room and a small galley kitchen that 2 people can barely use at the same time. My 2 teenagers are sharing a room which is a nightmare as they’re boy and girl. We are stuck for the foreseeable, financially we can’t see an end to it. It’s not possible for us to extend the property in any way and we have zero storage. Just a nightmare all round to be honest

we're in a slightly too small house. Not ridiculously so, but the third bedroom is a teeny box with no floor space, and we have the tiniest galley kitchen. I hate that one kid gets a genuinely crappy room, although we do change round every few years to make sure it's fair. Moving isn't economical for us - the cost of moving is so much compared to gaining not very much extra space (can't afford 4 beds without relocating). Nowhere to extend to. No advice other than storage IMO is a red herring - what we all need is less stuff, and that includes people rattling around in big houses as well.

Quite honestly I don't care about forever homes, they are for people who are well off. I'm just overjoyed that I have a lovely little home that's perfect for me.
I am content.

YANBU, OP. It is hard. We live in a modern 3 bed terrace down south. It’s very nice, but small- and all we could afford. Box bedroom for DS, tiny sitting room - but we’re grateful for it because, like you, we only got on the ladder 18 months ago (mid 30s), and it’s better than renting.

We have a courtyard which I make do with for pots- but I’d love a big garden and spacious reception rooms. But the only way we could ever trade up is by adding approx £500k to the mortgage- which we cannot afford. Our mortgage is already huge as we only had a small deposit, and it will be far bigger come spring when we have to remortgage.

Don’t worry - not everyone is living in huge houses! Not even well off people. We’re comfortably off but all our money goes on mortgage and nursery.

Maybe one day we’ll have a bigger place, but I’m not banking on it. Don’t feel bad about your DC - they have a nice warm home with a financially prudent mother! Well done you for managing it alone. Be proud of yourself- don’t believe all you see on Instagram.

Here to sympathise. Hate my house. I absolutely HATE my tiny, dark kitchen and it upsets me to try to sit at the kitchen table as no one can move around it as it is such a tight squeeze. We love entertaining but I don't even have the space to have my parents round for dinner.
All other family members have bigger, brighter houses and whilst I am happy for them I would love to move to something better. It will never happen though - not these days.

Size of the house aside, it's yours. Having been through a split already I'd keep it that way. You move in with someone, there's a chance you'll split, and be back to square one with the housing.
Keep your own front door lovely, it'll always be there for your children.

@Housetrapped i just found your thread because I feel sort of the same. How are things now? Hope all going well for you. Thank you for posting. My little terraced house is cute and cosy and small but I just feel embarrassed as my husband is from London old wealth and because I’m not (AT ALL) that’s the reason we have a small house. We can’t have people to stay not even my mum and dad and it makes me sad. But we’re so privileged in so many ways. I just feel embarrassed because I worked hard all my life and it turns out that not being middle class (ie not coming with any money of my own) has mattered in the end. We rented for ages and that was probably the wrong thing to do too. It has meant that whereas all my friends are buying the 1.2 / 1.5 million pound houses (not palaces, just normal houses but in London) I am so clearly the reason why we cannot do the same and it’s a weird sense of shame and feeling like I’m letting down my son who’s an only child. And I feel just awful even thinking any of this because I am so lucky and I love the house and it has a good feeling in it, I just…why can’t I shake these feelings? Is it shame? How do you let it go?

I went through this but I had to weigh it up with the pros. DH and I bought a two bed terraced so we could live in a 'nicer' area. We have 2 DC and both our bedrooms are small, DC are in bunk beds and can't even fit two single beds. Not sure what's gonna happen when they are teenagers. They can't even fit a proper desk to study. I wfh mainly and have to hear how my colleagues all have a separate 'office' room. We have no hallway, the front door enters into the living room, so shoe storage is a nightmare. We would like a loft extension but can't afford it. I am very grateful for the area but I grew up in a roomy three bedroom house and my parents were on very basic wages but could still afford a much bigger space in the 70s so my sibling and I had our own room. I would say DH and I are on much higher paid jobs relatively than my parents ever were but it's just the ridiculous cost of housing now.

Missing the point but what is a 'hinch house"? Not sure if it's a typo.