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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Extreme tiredness after bereavement - did you feel physically worn out?

28 replies

fourikeachairs · 13/02/2023 22:47

I have another thread about the mental and emotional feelings after a bereavement, but thought this is actually separate. I feel completely phsyically burnt out, like my body has nothing left, is used up.

After being up for a few hours I fade quickly and just want to go back to bed.

Torn between instinctively wanting to rest as much as I need but then wondering if that is avoiding real life?

Life is so short and I don't want to spend it ALL resting, but I really need rest? If this chimes with anything you experienced when grieving how did you find a balance?

OP posts:

Fizbosshoes · 13/02/2023 22:59

sorry for your loss

I can definitely identify

My DC were 4 and 1 when my mum died but the extreme tiredness i felt, from grief, was like "newborn" tiredness to me.
If you have the chance to rest then I would take it

Couchpotato3 · 13/02/2023 23:15

You are going through some really extreme emotions and that is exhausting. It won't go on forever, but for now, think of the fatigue as a protective mechanism - your body is trying to get you to sleep, to give your mind a break from everything. Grief hits us all in different ways. Just be Kind to yourself and go with what feels right. If you need to sleep, then just sleep. Sorry you are going through this.

Petra198 · 13/02/2023 23:27

I can only tell you from my experience but yes, its exhausting. But then id find I couldnt sleep. I was shocked at how physical the reaction to bereavement was. Literally thought I was going to fall down dead myself for at least the first week and thats no exaggeration, tired, exhausted but unable to sleep, shaking, nodding, spaced out. You have to go with the flow and not fight it I think and just take whatever support is there. Xx

Tireddoggymum · 13/02/2023 23:29

Any kind of mental trauma is exhausting and bereavement is the worse ! Your brain is exhausted and you just don’t rest . Be kind to yourself and sleep when your body allows you 💐

HelloDaisy · 13/02/2023 23:36

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was completely physically exhausted when my mum died. Someone said that your brain doesn’t switch off just because you’re asleep which made sense to me. Any sleep I managed to get was not restful and I always woke up in a state of panic and devastation which was tiring.

The best way I found was to try to rest in bed during the afternoon, like a siesta, and that certainly helped even if I didn’t actually sleep. As time went on I found I did sleep during that hour or so and I carried on with that rest time until the grief started to subside. I worked for myself though with dh, so could plan around it.

Just take it one day at a time and go with how you are feeling when you can so rest when feeling exhausted even if that is only sitting down with your feet up for 10 minutes.

Grimchmas · 13/02/2023 23:37

Absolutely normal and do rest/sleep as much as you can. It's very healing. X

Grimchmas · 13/02/2023 23:38

Sorry, I mean as much as you need to, if you can. As opposed to forcing yourself to stay in bed when you're awake!

MelchiorsMistress · 13/02/2023 23:38

YANBU. Grieving is exhausting 💐

annonymousse · 13/02/2023 23:39

Dad died on Saturday. I can hardly move. The weariness is bone deep. And there is so much to do. I just want to hibernate for a week.

HannahinHampshire · 13/02/2023 23:41

Petra - same. Mum died at the beginning of December and while I’m exhausted I just can’t sleep! Her death was not a tragedy in that she was 92, had a very short final illness and passed away very peacefully - but I’ve been blindsided by how her death has affected me. I had a 2 week course of Mitrazapine? (sp). but they did nothing for me, I think I’ll call the surgery again tomorrow. Luckily I’m not working at the moment as I took voluntary redundancy back in the Autumn but I’m starting a part time job (just 2 days a week) in mid March and I need to be able to concentrate.

sadeyedladyofthelowlandsea · 13/02/2023 23:42

I had massive energy swings after being bereaved, it was utterly incomprehensible. Sometimes I had too much energy, far too much, and I could only get rid of it by doing a Billy Elliot Town Called Malice dance in the kitchen. Then half an hour later, pulling a blanket over my head almost felt like too much effort.

Grief does send you a bit mad, and there's so much to process in your head that sometimes your body does seem to totally shut down and say 'NO. Energy needs to go to your brain.' Listen to your brain, it knows you better than you realise. I kind of realised that my brain needed to rewire itself, so all of the other trip switches needed to be turned off when necessary.
I'm so sorry for your loss. No matter how many people tell you it's unpredictable, you don't understand it until you experience it.

mrsfollowill · 13/02/2023 23:42

Your body needs the rest - it can hit you like a ton of bricks when you are bereaved. Look after yourself- hot baths/early nights and afternoon naps all help you to get through it. You will feel more like yourself eventually. I felt like I had landed on another planet initially and hated the fact other people carried on with their 'normal lives' . It fades over time

SkankingWombat · 14/02/2023 00:20

Yes, exhausting for me too. With DM, it really didn't help that I had a generally sleep-avoidant 11mo baby who chose to have a sleep regression 2 weeks after Mum died. It nearly broke me. I had actually adjusted to only ever getting 2hr stints, but I had previously slept soundly in those 2hrs and was clearly already at maximum capacity for sleep deprivation. The sleep shrank to 30min periods, and trying to process the loss meant I was tossing and turning during those little bits I was managing to grab. I have never changed my mind so quickly on something I felt so strongly about as I did about sleep training at that point! The training improved the wakings, and coupled with returning to the newborn strategy of putting the opportunity for any and all sleep/naps above everything else made it at least manageable.
When my Dad died a few years later, the exhaustion returned and was joined by the previously unknown experience of random daily panic attacks. I exhausted myself between the grief, organising the funeral, sorting out his complicated affairs, and needing to clear his flat within the HA's short deadlines to such an extent I totally burnt out. It was not a good place to be, but definitely would have been avoided if I had more family to help and lean on (I only have DH who did as much as he could, 2 very young DCs, and friends helping here and there as their also-hectic lives allowed).

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief is really tough in so many ways that you can't fathom before you're there. It is draining. I always think 'self-care' is a bit of a wanky term, but it is worth embracing as a principle if you don't already. Daytime naps are totally OK along with anything else you need to get through this time. Take all the practical help you can. I found focusing on practical tasks useful to keep the mind occupied on other things and allow it a rest from the grief, but it is definitely possible to go too far with this and it be detrimental.

Welfast · 14/02/2023 05:44

You can't tell how you will react until it happens. I wasn't really upset when mum died, never shed a tear, but became really angry and agitated for several months.

harrassedmumto3 · 14/02/2023 06:28

I am fortunate enough to have not yet lost anyone very close to me. However my cat was put down two weeks ago, and the grief made me physically sick.
Sorry, I know that seems really trivial compared to those of you who've lost human loved ones. I guess I'm just making the point that grief does carry physical symptoms.

Anycrispsleft · 14/02/2023 07:33

Thank you for starting this thread OP. My mother died in November and I've been physically exhausted ever since (starting to come out of it now). I knew it would be something like this - the six months from when my dad died I don't have really any memories from, it's as though I was sleepwalking through the whole thing - and I've tried to take I easy but I'm getting really frustrated with my husband who is coming with plans to meet friends and talking about holidays and what do we do with my mum's estate and all this stuff. Both his parents are still alive and I guess it is hard to empathise before you've been through it.

mrsbyers · 14/02/2023 07:36

Yes for me too , initially I felt more physical pain which is common but it morphed into total exhaustion - I lost my wonderful dad in September but have just recently felt it hit me emotionally and had a couple of weeks off work as just couldn’t cope

Redkettle · 14/02/2023 07:38

My mum died suddenly 3 weeks ago. I have no energy, I'm lost. I just sit on my couch. Walking is like carrying lead weights. Have to go back to physical job Friday. It will make or break me. Big hugs to you

EdithStourton · 14/02/2023 07:52

I think post-bereavement exhaustion is very common. When DM died I can remember getting home from work and just not having the energy to see anyone, deal with anyone, do anything. I was living in a shared house at the time and it was really difficult.

OP, give yourself as much time as you need. 💐

Roselilly36 · 14/02/2023 07:57

So sorry for your loss OP grief can cause very physical symptoms, feeling emotional is very tiring, as well as not being able to sleep, the grief is on your mind the whole time.

When we lost MIL, we all grieved in our own way, it was a horrible time, my eldest DS, back suddenly went he couldn’t move without pain, when I spoke to the pharmacist, about buying some more effect pain relief, she was really concerned said he should see the GP, as such a sudden onset. She asked if he had done anything different that could have caused the back pain, I told her his beloved GM had passed away a few days ago, she said that is probably his bodies reaction to it. I fully believe that to be true, he never had back pain before or since.

DS1 is the more sensitive and quiet one of my two sons, he said the the ball in the jar, exactly described how he was feeling, just overwhelmed by his feelings, the grief was all consuming.

You won’t feel like this forever OP, as time passes by, you will still feel sadness at the special anniversaries, but you learn to live along side the grief. That takes time, my advice would be not to rush, cry when you need to, don’t compare your grief with others in the family, that may look ok on the surface, as they probably don’t feel ok. The trap we got into, was trying to hold it in, as not to upset others. It’s a really tough time, accepting that life will never be the same again. But you will get through it, once again so sorry for your loss.

Letitbebread · 14/02/2023 08:00

Yes I was exhausted for quite a few months when my darling dad died. And I also found that it was when I was asleep or just before I woke, that I could process some of the strangeness. It’s such a lot to get your head round. Anyway, don’t fight it - sleep!

cravingtoblerone · 14/02/2023 08:06

Yes definitely. If I'm honest most of my grief after my Mum died manifested itself physically rather than emotionally. Physical exhaustion. Headaches. Constant run of minor coughs and colds. I'd cared for her for the last year of her life and watched her decline at close quarters. I think I cried so much in the run up to her death that there was nothing left to cry after she'd gone. But my body was utterly utterly spent.

queenMab99 · 14/02/2023 08:06

I first noticed it when I got divorced, which was like a bereavement, in that I lost the partner I thought I had. Then over the years it has happened again after close bereavements. I felt so tired, I would literally have to sleep, otherwise I would just nod off every time I sat down. Driving was a nightmare, I had to stop every 20 mins for a short snooze, so that a 2 hour journey took over 3 hours! I was able to sleep at night too, it was as if I was partially shutting down.

HarlanPepper · 14/02/2023 08:10

I can relate to this. I wouldn't personally give too much thought to whether you're avoiding 'real life'. Grief and loss are some of the most real experiences you will ever have. This is the stuff of life, and like Michael Rosen's bear hunt - you can't go over it, can't get under it, can't go round it. You have to go through it. x

MontyDonsBlueScarf · 14/02/2023 08:34

I lost my DH 6 weeks ago and I can definitely relate to this.

I have tried sleeping pills, which help a little, but I find meditation for sleep very helpful. One I particularly like is by Andrew Johnson, especially for grief and sleep. Sorry I can't link it right now, will come back later.

Would also agree with @HarlanPepper , this is as real as it gets, do whatever feels right to you to go through and not round it. You have two difficult tasks to accomplish, to work out how to continue your relationship with your loved one when they're no longer physically present, and to restructure your own life at the same time. Of course this is tiring, if not utterly exhausting. Sending love and strength.

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