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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6yr relationship is it all over...

19 replies

Sunshine1811 · 13/02/2023 21:36

Not sure why I'm writing on here. But just want some advice and opinions.
For context me and My partner have been together for 6yrs, we have a 4yr old little boy, and had a miscarriage in June of our twins ( very much wanted and planned)
We've struggled a little since the miscarriage, at Christmas he said in a alcohol fuel disagreement how I was trying to replace our little boy because I shouldn't be grieving still as it's just one of those things. (The miscarriage was traumatic, found out on my own and had to have 3 procedures to terminate the babies as my body still thought it was carrying healthy babies) and boxing day was my due date
We haven't spoken properly for 9days, he got drunk and messaged a girl from work saying he wanted to take her for a drink. Apparently this was 'banter' I didn't find it funny as its not the first time. I've left the house this evening after mutual agreement that we maybe need some time away from each other to think as I said I'm not sure I want to carry this relationship on. So I'm sat in a hotel room. I messaged him to see where his heads at to prepare myself and put it into consideration I got this reply " Currently I want to try to work all this out which will take time I know but that's where I'm at but want to sleep on it" how would you take this?

If you got this far thank you, sorry for waffling on x

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 13/02/2023 21:40

I’d say he’s doing it to keep you sweet for now, while he decides.

FlappyValley · 13/02/2023 21:45

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss, OP 💐
I’m afraid it doesn’t sound like this man has any respect for you at all… what a despicable thing to say to you when you’ve been through such a traumatic event. Also he should be the one sleeping in a hotel room after sending that message to another woman. Yuck. And the fact it wasn’t even the first time he’s done so? I think you have you answer there. I’m sorry OP but he sounds awful.

Original poster
Sunshine1811 · 13/02/2023 21:58

FlappyValley · 13/02/2023 21:45

Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss, OP 💐
I’m afraid it doesn’t sound like this man has any respect for you at all… what a despicable thing to say to you when you’ve been through such a traumatic event. Also he should be the one sleeping in a hotel room after sending that message to another woman. Yuck. And the fact it wasn’t even the first time he’s done so? I think you have you answer there. I’m sorry OP but he sounds awful.

Thank you it means a lot.. It's the respect thing I'm struggling with. I said I'd go and I'd take our boy with me for the night. But he said why don't I go on my own, to 'relax' have a think as i said i dont think its going to work ( i really want it to though, i said it when i was angry) and just have some needed me time and he'd take our boy to nursery In the morning ( he never really takes him)
I know what my heads telling me I should do, but deep down I really do want us to work but I don't know if we can anymore. I really love this man but I'm scared... scared of losing the person I thought I'd be with forever and scared to stay and be treated like an idiot.
He's said from the off he wants to try again, but now I'm out the house to think of what I want/ need to do he now wants to sleep on it. Ugh! What a mess my life is right now.

Thanks for taking the time to reply I appreciate it x

OP posts:
Carryonroundthecorner · 13/02/2023 22:04

I'm sorry for your loss, I've been there and it's hard to snap out of. It takes time.
I wouldn't be able to get past the text you saw.
I'd be getting away from him. The text that was supposedly banter was unacceptable.
💐

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 13/02/2023 22:06

He sounds awful and has shown you his true colours. Messaging someone else? Disgusting behaviour.

Sometimes it's easier to think if it wasn't you in the situation and it was a friend, what would you tell them? You'd probably say leave him because he's got no respect.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

nalabae · 13/02/2023 22:11

He’s horrible.

Original poster
Sunshine1811 · 13/02/2023 22:23

Carryonroundthecorner · 13/02/2023 22:04

I'm sorry for your loss, I've been there and it's hard to snap out of. It takes time.
I wouldn't be able to get past the text you saw.
I'd be getting away from him. The text that was supposedly banter was unacceptable.
💐

Im sorry youve been such a sad liss too.. It's so hard to snap out of some days are better than others. It's easier than it was but I still have my down days. 4 friends were pregnant at the same time and are due or had their babies now.

I was so strong with not getting emotional about the texts. I've not kicked off or anything - which made me think leaving was the right thing. But now the thought of leaving him and giving up our relationship after some thought is killing me inside.
Head and heart saying two different things.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 13/02/2023 22:24

Sorry for your loss op. That was a really shitty thing for him to say.

Has he ever said anything like that sober? I know alcohol isn't just an excuse but I have seen some really lovely people say and do some really stupid or horrible things when drunk🙄

The txt to the girl would have me unable to trust him fully.

If you really want to try to make it work set boundaries and expectations...
what you will and will not accept from him.
Figure out what you think you would need from him to forgive him, to gain your trust back or make you feel safe around him again....and tell him what it is you expect and need.
If he really goes for it and tries to meet your needs, you have something to build on. If he fobs you off, leave, he doesn't give a fuck.

Obviously you need to have a think about things but do also try to do something nice for yourself/ distract yourself/ get some rest too because you cant really do anything til you speak again.

Original poster
Sunshine1811 · 13/02/2023 22:24

WhatHappenedToYoyos · 13/02/2023 22:06

He sounds awful and has shown you his true colours. Messaging someone else? Disgusting behaviour.

Sometimes it's easier to think if it wasn't you in the situation and it was a friend, what would you tell them? You'd probably say leave him because he's got no respect.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I know I'd say leave, it's just so hard when it's you. And when you want things to go back to how they were before the loss.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 13/02/2023 22:27

I know I'd say leave, it's just so hard when it's you. And when you want things to go back to how they were before the loss.
Ah, in that case,I think theres no point trying to work it out if this would be your advice to a loved one.

Original poster
Sunshine1811 · 13/02/2023 22:48

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2023 22:27

I know I'd say leave, it's just so hard when it's you. And when you want things to go back to how they were before the loss.
Ah, in that case,I think theres no point trying to work it out if this would be your advice to a loved one.

Sorry i replied to the wrong message.

I appreciate your above previous response, it's more rational than I have probably been. I agree trust needs to be rebuilt and I want it to.. but am I just being fobbed off by his half arsed I'm sorry I don't know why I did it. This girl has been a friend of his for years, she replied oh behave and laughed it off. He did reply apologising for messaging her saying he was sorry he was drunk ( he showed me a couple of days later) but I'm hurt and angry so haven't forgiven him as of yet.

My previous relationship was with a physically and emotionally abusive 'man' who broke my teeth and made me hit rock bottom. My now partner over the years picked me up, gave me the confidence to be me, to love life, and I fell head over hills for him. So he isn't a complete d* but since June it's just all changed. He isn't a very emotionally intact kind of person, very hard faced about things and he doesn't have very much drive - unless it's him going to the pub.

He's gone from he wants to work things out to he wants to sleep on it- what am I meant to take from that, is it a case of he wants to end it but doesn't know how because of my reaction... even though its my stupid fault for saying in heat of the moment that I don't know if this can work anymore.

I'm in the hotel, can't seem to relax as I've not been sleeping properly for quite a few months now, and I am the worst overthinker.

Again thank you

OP posts:
Daizie · 14/02/2023 08:25

So he messaged her drunk and then showed you and apologised. You know what everyone makes mistakes, and you don't know what he's going through too as he might be keeping it to himself like a lot of men seem to. If you feel there's enough to save, why not try some marriage counselling and see if you can both get back what you had before?

Original poster
Sunshine1811 · 14/02/2023 09:16

Daizie · 14/02/2023 08:25

So he messaged her drunk and then showed you and apologised. You know what everyone makes mistakes, and you don't know what he's going through too as he might be keeping it to himself like a lot of men seem to. If you feel there's enough to save, why not try some marriage counselling and see if you can both get back what you had before?

No he messaged her drunk and while we was on facetime to his cousin on his phone the same night, she replied and that's when I saw the messages. He apologised to this girl the day after I on the other hand only got an apology yesterday.

He wouldn't even consider counselling, I guess I'll head home and see what gets said after a night away from each other.

OP posts:
barmycatmum · 14/02/2023 09:51

HE should be worried YOU will leave, but it sounds like you’re giving away all your power. Regretting what you said, and worrying over what he meant.

no … this man has been cruel to you, and has tried to be unfaithful, and he should be absolutely living in fear of losing you.

please take a minute and remind yourself that you are worth more than this. You really are.

purpledalmation · 14/02/2023 09:53

It doesn't sound good from a lot of different angles sadly. An emotionally distant man or woman isn't ever going to make a good life partner

harrassedmumto3 · 14/02/2023 10:08

You need to give each other space - there's no point messaging him when that's supposed to be what you're doing.

I am so sorry for the loss of your babies Flowers

Daizie · 14/02/2023 12:27

Sunshine1811 · 14/02/2023 09:16

No he messaged her drunk and while we was on facetime to his cousin on his phone the same night, she replied and that's when I saw the messages. He apologised to this girl the day after I on the other hand only got an apology yesterday.

He wouldn't even consider counselling, I guess I'll head home and see what gets said after a night away from each other.

Show quote history

To be honest, if be telling him how it was rather than seeing what he's got to say! And that would be that he needs to leave. Messaging someone else and you only know because you found him out!

Original poster
Sunshine1811 · 14/02/2023 12:57

Daizie · 14/02/2023 12:27

To be honest, if be telling him how it was rather than seeing what he's got to say! And that would be that he needs to leave. Messaging someone else and you only know because you found him out!

Show quote history

I guess I'm just quite a weak person and abit of a push over..
If anyone leaves though it would have to be me and our little boy and he knows that as I can't financially afford to keep the house we rent as I work around his hrs at work because of childcare.

OP posts:
Daizie · 14/02/2023 13:33

That is not reasons to stay with him though. There's always another way.

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