Is it every acceptable to tell someone you think their child has SEN?

[Moonicorn]

It’s my niece (sister’s daughter). She will be 8 in July. What makes me think SEN (autism?) is:
she has selective mutism and has only rarely spoken to another child (in and outside of school). She has no friends and has never had a play date.
she doesn’t play with any toys or seem to ‘like’ anything - as in, ever. She will sit and colour but that’s it. You can’t buy her any presents as she doesn’t ‘like’ anything (hard to explain)
she has huge meltdowns when she gets home from school
her face most of the time is a blank mask - she doesn’t smile, or laugh for example. Just blank, if that makes sense?

Her parents have made a lot of excuses for her behaviour - firstly ‘girls are quiet’ (she has 2 older brothers that seem very NT), then it was COVID lockdowns, now it’s that she’s just introverted. School have suggested assessment many times but they refuse and seem to find it a bit of a joke. It’s getting quite upsetting seeing her struggle in the world without a single friend, and punished for what I think are sensory meltdowns?

would you say something

I wish someone had suggested my daughter may have SEN a lot earlier, it would have been massively helpful. As a first time mum I had no clue that her behaviour and stimming was out of the ordinary.

I think it's worth saying something. I have an autistic child and a family member said something to us. We were also thinking the same but it definitely spurred us on to book an assessment and we appreciated it. It was hugely helpful to get a diagnosis before secondary school.

I agree. It might well be that they are in denial in which case you will possibly only anger and alienate them. It might be that they are seeking assessments but are not telling all and sundry (we never did - even to this day and 3 diagnoses we never told anyone in our family except for my parents-because it is our child's private informaiton and because we were struggling to come to terms with things).

Just be there for your family members (all of them) with love and accepting support. That will mean more to them than anything.

Oh- and please do not make the mistake of thinking that because the child's expression is blank and she may struggle with social cues means she has no empathy, no feeling and does not feel things very deeply and acutely. That is a BIG and common misconception about people with autism and is hurtful.

Oh and just to say- when i said we never told anyone - I don't eman now. I mean when he was going through the assessment process. Afterwards and when apparopriate of course we told people. Because that can indeed help others understand him.

Sorry- most of my words are not clear today. I am tired.

It’s relevant because I’m not sure how much of what’s been said you understand.

I understood you said diagnosis prevented certain interventions so I was asking what they were. Where i live has nothing to do with it. I was interested to hear what you were discussing

I think PP's recommendation of advising them to agree to an assessment "to get the school off their backs" is probably the best way to approach it.
If they are the ones raising the topic (it sounds that way) there must be an undercurrent of concern; you probably irritate them by not going along with the "no, she's absolutely fine, the school are being ridiculous" line.
You could try, "don't ask me, I'm not qualified, but if they're suggesting an expert, it could settle matters". If a friend had worrying physical symptoms, wouldn't you remind them that you're not a qualified doctor, and it might be time for a medical checkup?
One of the saddest cases I came across in my teaching career was a little boy who came to us in Yr. 3. Academically bright, but clearly something amiss.
When he finally, catastrophically, melted down in Yr. 5, the parents finally owned up to the autism diagnosis he already had just before joining us.
They didn't want to tell us "because we want him to be treated just like the others".
It didn't end well; he limped through to Year 11, but the weed smoking was not beneficial. I suspect it was the the poor little b***'s of blunting the edges.
Avoiding the label does not make the problem go away.

@rainbowtwist yes I responded at 13:25, sorry I forgot to @ you. I was curious where in the country you were because you obviously have a very different path to support than in my area.

I haven't mentioned a path. I simply asked you a question about the statement you made. Your making irrelevant assumptions and assuming I am challenging you because I have a different experience. I haven't mentioned my experiences.

@Smartiepants79 I totally agree with you. And I did spend a lot of time teaching my autistic son how to navigate social situations. He's now brilliant at it but he also went through a phase of thinking he was very 'other' because it didn't come naturally to him. Masking is very exhausting.

I think I'd say something. It sounds like they are failing your niece. Why does risk of offence trump the chance to possibly help her?

I think I'd say something along the lines of 'what are you worried about? What's the harm in being assessed? All her classmates had lockdowns and some of them will be introverted but the teachers obviously think they see something else. Even if she isnt autistic or doesn't have any other diagnosis, she clearly displays some behaviours that might respond to some additional intervention. How do you think your daughter would feel when she is older if the school could have put some strategies in place to help her and you refused to agree to start that process?

We have a similar situation with our neighbour's daughter (who is or was 'best friends' with our daughter - they are in the same class at school). We have no idea if she is diagnosed or not, whether school have suggested anything or not, but she presents exactly as you describe your niece. It has been a very difficult friendship to manage, as we suspect our daughter is also ND, but presents in a very different way (she is on a waiting list for assessment) - and the neighbours blame all difficulties on our daughter talking too much, being over-emotional etc. They say their daughter is the way she is as she is 'very mature' for her age, and she does prefer playing with older children. Anyway, we have not approached the neighbours with our suspicions as it is clearly not our place, but we have encouraged other friendships (which are much much easier) and our daughter is gradually distancing herself. I feel very sorry for the neighbour's daughter who is not getting any help or support and very clearly struggles with social situations and sensory overwhelm for whatever reason. We also suspect both parents are undiagnosed ND themselves.

I don't understand...if it's your sisters child of course you can say something surely? They're not strangers, you're family. A child of eight who has rarely spoken to another child at school is incredibly worrying. I wouldn't hesitate to say something to my sister but we are very open and honest with each other and wouldn't get offended.

Oh and from our point of view, it would actually be quite helpful if people told us they thought our daughter had SEN - validating, and we would feel that the challenges we face with her are seen. Most people can't see anything different about her, but I have one friend who suggested it when she was a toddler because of her sleep issues and it was the one helpful thing anyone ever said to us about that!

@rainbowtwist conversations require a little give and take and your clipped demands for more info from me while sharing nothing isn’t a style of interaction I enjoy. Have a good day.

I think I'd say something. It sounds like they are failing your niece. Why does risk of offence trump the chance to possibly help her?I think I'd say something. It sounds like they are failing your niece. Why does risk of offence trump the chance to possibly help her?

I think posters are worried that OP risks saying the wrong thing on a clearly very sensitive subject and getting the parents even more defensive more entrenched and even less likely to respond to school suggestions and be even less likely to get help for the niece. It does depend on the family relationship and dynamics but most people step with care as offense if so easily taken.

Most parents dislike intensely any criticism to their parenting - many posters are suggesting OP ask questions like what are the downside to testing - why do you think the school saying this - to try and get the parents to re-think situation.

You made a statement, I was only asking you to give examples.

I think as school have already raised the issue, it's better if you leave it until, or unless, your sister wishes to discuss it with you.

It's very common for parents to deny their child has SEN even when professionals tell them. It's very annoying to be told by friends or relatives when, as a parent, you already kind of know.

It's a journey for them, they need to process and accept. It will get clearer, no doubt, the older your niece gets, but ultimately it is up to the parents to seek help or not.

Yes, thank you - I completely agree with this.

I would say please do try to say something. I spent the baby/toddler/young child years thinking "hm I think there is something up with my kid" but whenever I broached it with anyone friends/GP etc they were all saying "oh no, all kids are like that". I found it very invalidating of my experience and it made me try to push through and ultimately do some pretty crappy parenting as I thought I was just imagining things and tried to make my kid act "normal" which I am very ashamed of. Ended up -unsurprisingly- things got MUCH worse with kid in terms of behaviour/anger and mental health and lo and behold they ere dx at 12yrs old after all the wheels had fallen off. I wish someone had heard me before or suggested I might have a point or anything, anything supportive. I feel endlessly guilty for not listening to my own instincts and would have appreciated others saying "hey maybe something up here".

I wouldn't suggest a diagnosis, but maybe approach as 'niece seems to be unhappy/struggling at school/behaviour is tricky for you - I would agree to the assessment so at least you can rule things out'.

I image the school will have experience of this situation before and will be slowly dealing it and they should be meeting the child needs even with out an assessment.

I wouldn’t count on it! I only found out about DD’s SM at school, when she was an adult and she told me! No teacher ever raised any concerns about DD at secondary school, even though she had ADD, SM, OCD…..and she was on antidepressants to get through her A levels.

I raised concerns, and had her assessed by an independent speech and language therapist, and a neuro-educational psychologist from the Newcomen centre. Unfortunately DD could concentrate in a quiet 1:1 situation, especially using hyper focus. The ed psy did produce a report, saying she struggled with comprehension and needed extra time in exams, and Powerpoints of lessons beforehand. The school took no notice whatsoever of the report, saying there should be a level playing field. I had to threaten them with a claim for disability discrimination to get her the extra time in her A levels.