Dh making unpleasant comments every time I get some 'me time'

[FieldofTulips]

Hi all! Don't want to drip feed later on so will try and mention everything that might be somehow relevant. Name changed for this post.

Dh and I been together for 15 years now and have got 3 children ages (7, 4 and 2). Before having kids I used to work in an office but have always struggled with social anxiety especially when dealing with toxic colleagues and decided not to go back to work after having children. I am now working part time online for some extra money for myself and then do everything around my kids (drop off/pick ups/ after school activities etc). My youngest daughter is also not in the nursery yet and is at home with me at all times.

Dh works full time in a well respected job and really loves what he is doing but I feel like he doesn't have a healthy work and life balance. He normally has got plenty of days left from his annual leave as he hardly uses it unless we go on trips. He would rarely take days off if kids are sick for example even if I am struggling to cope.

My concern is that I constantly feel like I need to ask him to give me some time to go out by myself. He doesn't even notice that I not been outside of the house alone without kids for months now. Also, every time I got something planned out with my friend he starts having arguments with one of the kids or just getting argumentative over nothing so I often feel like I can't go and enjoy myself. Just a few weeks back I left to have a glass of wine near by with a friend just to return to my youngest screaming the place down and dh being argumentative that I had left the child in this state (I put him to sleep but he must have woken up) . I feel like amost every time I go for my workout classes I got to make arrangements with him way in advance. Today I got back from the gym just to see him snap 'finally you decided to come back'. I mean I was out for 1 hour in the gym and rushed straight back. He makes some kind of comments each time I go somewhere which really destroys my mood.

I love spending time with my kids but I feel like I got so used to putting myself last. A few days ago we were talking and he was asking me what kind of music do I currently listen to etc or what would be the soundtrack of my current life (he works closely with musicians) and I actually realised that I don't even remember the last time I even walked outside listening to music and don't even have headphones as I always walk with children crossing roads so never thought of it as something safe to do.

AIBU to think that even though I don't have a full time job he should still be more supportive and share the load with childcare?

He is being a complete arsehole. He wants you home so he doesn't have to deal with his own children. He's a selfish wanker.

He is being controlling. And an arse.

You need to go out regularly with friends or for a hobby and he needs to parent his own dc.

He resents you not working and sees the kids as solely your job.

Your husband is a selfish prick.

I work 3 full days a week as a teacher (so 40 hours a week term time), then do nearly all the childcare and nearly all the child activities, all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the cooking, all the meal planning, and all the food shopping.

Then during the school holidays I have 3 kids every single day.

I used to have the same issue, but I basically told my DH that I was exhausted and never got any time to myself and that he should be doing 50% of the housework and childcare during term times.

Things have improved. I have a whole Sunday out coming up in March with a friend, go to the gym once a week in the evening, then try and go out for a couple of ours every weekend during the day if the kids aren't doing stuff.

You need to sit down with your husband and have this conversation.

My ex was like this, horrible and surly if I dared to take even an hour to do an exercise class once a week when my child was small but he was allowed to just wander off and out as he pleased. He is my ex for several reasons but this was a big one.

When he's at work, you're also working, as you're doing the childcare. Evenings and weekends should be split between you, that includes childcare, housework, and any free time.

Could you sit down and work out a weekly schedule, with built in free time for both of you?

He is resentful but going about it the wrong way. A kinder way would be to help you get therapy, work through your issues and get you back to work.

He is acting as if the children are not his just mini lodgers.

Stop asking for some free time and start telling him when YOU are unavailable.

You should be able to go out when you want/need to and be confident your husband will act like a capable parent.

You need a regular event (evening class, gym, whatever) and he needs to get used to it - that means being able to leave him to cook tea and do bedtime and it not lead to a huge battle or him sulking.

Seems like you are going to be much tougher about it though - & don't get pulled in to feeling guilty. You are both parents.

He is controlling you and is abusive. You need some time for yourself and outside of the home as staying in will not help with your anxiety. Sit down with him and show him the calendar of when your fitness classes are and tell him you will be going out to meet friends and that is how it is going to be from now on and he needs to be able to step up as they are his kids also. If he does not change then you really need to think about what he is offering in your marriage as he is all about himself and is very selfish and just wants you to stay home. Shocking to read this and he should be supportive of you and help to make your life easier.

He’s controlling and horrible! He’s training you….you’ll eventually give up trying to go anywhere because of his reaction.
It doesn’t sound like he cares about you

He is (obviously) BU.

Was he on board with your decision to effectively give up your job and only work for pin money? I can imagine being the sole breadwinner for a family of five could cause a lot of stress, even if he's going about it entirely the wrong way.

She’s not married to yours either, so no doubt he didn’t have his child in 1975 and he probably got paternity leave.