To find life so difficult and not know what to do to help myself? Think I may be autistic

[tenderly]

I'm in my late 20s and have struggled in life a lot since the age of 16. I still live with my parents, have never been in a relationship and have only one friend who is a childhood friend. It's like once I got to 16 all my social skills just disappeared and I went from someone who had a good solid group of friends to a complete loner.

I have a degree and master's and enjoyed university but in retrospect I isolated myself and put all of my self-worth in my grades. Then I got a minimum wage job after university to tide myself over whilst I job hunted and I loved it, it was consistent and stable with a good group of colleagues who I really liked working with. I then got a job in my field, I've been there a year and a half and I still feel brand new there. I can't settle into it, it's so demanding of me socially. My mental health has been really impacted by the job, and I ended up being signed off for a few months by my GP. I'm on anti-anxiety medication now which helps, but I have started to wonder if it was autistic burnout. I've always been labelled and labelled myself as 'just shy', but I think I struggle a lot in life, a lot more so than most.

I just don't know what to do. I'm not coping at work, even though it's a 'fun' and 'dream' kind of job for someone in their 20s (working in PR for a beauty brand). Everyday I have hives and my eye lids twitching from stress. I don't want to be underemployed, but I feel like I can't cope with a 'career'.

Go and see your GP and ask about an autism assessment.

It's not a "dream" job if it's giving you hives and anxiety. It's someone else's dream job. Is it the line of work in general that's the problem or is it this particular company, do you think? There is absolutely no shame in trying a career path and deciding it is not for you.

Op, it may be a dream job for some people, but clearly not for you. It’s great that you enjoyed your previous work and were happy there. Your current job is making you ill and so it’s not sensible to stay there. In terms of possibly being autistic, you can ask your GP to refer you for an autism assessment. It can take a time to discover what suits us in life and I think you’re doing well to be able to articulate things clearly. It seems like you just need permission from yourself to leave the “dream job” which is simply not the job for you.

You sound just like my sister op, were it not for your job I’d honestly think it was her. She’s approaching 30 this year and I feel sad for the loss of her 20s. She’s kept plugging away at the career she trained to do, and is so unhappy. Still lives with my parents and has no social life, never been in a relationship and seems happy in the ‘child’ role she’s carved out for herself in the family. I think it probably gives her a sense of safety. I have an autistic dc and see many traits in my sister but she won’t consider an assessment. It’s scary to admit that what you thought you wanted to do isn’t actually making you happy, and so brave to do something about it. I agree you should seek an assessment and then really reassess what it is that you want from life. Personally I think we put far too much emphasis as a society on putting your whole identity into a career. I really struggled with that when I became a carer to my son, and as a mum in general, I felt I was seen as slightly less of a person, my identity was just ‘mum’. I’ve started my own business which is going well, but I still feel the pressure to succeed at it. Your first job sounds like it made you happy, your current one doesn’t. Aside from any kind of autism assessment, which will take a while, I’d say this is where you start. Be brave x

I think it's the line of work. I expected it to be a lot more of quiet focus time, but it's mainly lots of meetings and collaborations and I find that really draining and difficult to deal with. I've known from my first week there that it wasn't a good fit but I've stayed to try and give me time to settle, but it just isn't right for me. I just want to leave, but I think I need to get another job first but it feels daunting as I have no idea what to do.

Have you tried any sort of therapy alongside the meds? I would try some therapy/counselling - whatever you can access, and then think about whether you were OK until 16 or whether you were just masking your difficulties more successfully within the structure of school. If you were genuinely OK with social skills and communication until 16 then it isn't likely to be autism. I agree with others who say change job. I've just started what is a dream job for me at the moment - its not well paid but really interesting. The career I thought I wanted in my 20s I quickly found out I didn't enjoy as I wasn't a natural at it and had to put in a huge amount of effort just to get through each day. Giving up what you thought was the dream job is OK.

Can you afford to take a minimum wage job of the kind that you enjoyed before? It doesn’t need to be forever, just to let you have time to regroup and recover from the recent difficulties.