Finding it hard with depressed husband

[Bluevelvetcake4]

We have been married ten years and have two young children. We have had our share off ups and downs mostly because very early on in our relationship he lost my trust and had to fight hard to re-gain. We have also had issues over the years because we have different love languages. Early last year we seemed to have turned a corner and were finally feeling happy but then last spring he became depressed and distant from me (mostly because of work and issues with his childhood) and the relationship has never recovered. He sought therapy but that seemed to make his issues worse. It’s coming up to a year and I’ve tried to be supportive but now it’s reached a point where it’s wearing me down and making me miserable. He was away last week and I realised I am actually happy and want to be happy. It just seems so hard for us to ever achieve that. I’ve also realised that even if he does somehow overcome the depression he has a tendency to bring up things from the past and doesn’t seem to be able to forgive and forget which I find really troubling.

Sorry for the brain dump. I don’t know what to do.

Being around people who ruminate obsessively and hold ancient grudges is exhausting. I also doubt he will change. His depression may be linked to this insecurity ( did he have a difficult childhood?).

I had a friend like this and life was so much lighter without her in my life. It’s difficult to end a marriage but you deserve happiness.

His childhood was actually very happy but his parents did something (with good intentions) that he realised in hindsight was wrong (don’t all parents make mistakes?) and he can’t forgive them for it. I find it hard to understand but I guess he can’t help how he feels?

He claims he doesn’t hold ‘grudges’ in that he doesn’t sit there thinking about them all the time but whenever we discuss our relationship he seems to always have quite a list of
grievances.

bump

Can I ask- does he hold on to things in general- say things that have happened in your relationship? (Solidarity, by the way- going through something similar, it's exhausting.)

Has he tried other therapy? Medication? Do
you have support?

He lost your trust earlier in the relationship ( I assume some sort of faithfulness issue?), yet it’s HIM who has a list of grudges. Hmmm 🤨

Has he always been this self absorbed or is it a product of his depression? What is he actively doing to improve things?

I am in a very similar position. Depressed husband with three small children. He manages on a day to day basis but he never has a good day, or comes home happy. We never laugh or have fun together. He's a really good man and a lovely dad but I feel our house is filled with a grey cloud. I also feel like I've lost respect for him, which in turn makes me feel awfully guilty. I don't have any constructive advice but wanted to say you are not alone.