If you are autistic AIBU to as you how you deal with being embarrassed?

[Thepurplelantern]

My son has autism. He is very shy and gets extremely embarrassed in social situations to the extent that he cannot really engage in them with his peers.

I think that he feels the emotion of embarrassment very deeply, more deeply than would be typical, and he cannot regulate it yet.

AIBU to ask if you are autistic with a similar or if you have experience supporting someone with autism who has a similar difficulty for advice about how I might best support my DS with this. In particular I want to help him to learn how to an age friendships. DS is 11.

Sorry I have dyslexia so that might not read very clearly.

I sit and ruminate for hours, but I dwell on things naturally and am a big overthinker so I’d say it depends on whether he’s just autistic or whether anxiety and OCD etc are also present. He will make friends with those he clicks with, just like anyone else. It might be harder for him to make NT friends but I don’t think it should be pushed, it can just further how hard it is to navigate social situstions

Has he said that he's embarrassed if so what is it that is embarrassing him?
I'm asking because there's many different reasons that those of us with ASD are "shy" and until you can get to the route cause it can be difficult to suggest the correct coping strategies.
As for age appropriate friendships that isn't going to happen the way it would if he was nt infact it will get more difficult to maintain friendship with nt children as he gets older due to his asd and the difficulties that he will haver regulating his emotions during puberty however this can improve afterwards (depending on the severity of the asd). I would try and get him into a asd group so he has peers who are like him, its helped my ds so much and i wish there had been similar when I was a child as i wouldn't have always felt like the odd 1 out

You could use social stories (comic strips/you tube videos) to help him to understand his feelings and how to regulate them. Also to go through some potential scenarios of what to do/how to act with friends. This isn’t always transferable so learning how to act in one situation won’t mean he can apply it in another situation.
a visual book on feelings and how to manage them.

is he bothered about friends? My son isn’t but he does have one friend who is also autistic. We would invite him over to play computer games - and I would stay with them both to supervise and help them take turns/decide what to do. Now they are in a routine and know each other better I can leave them to it. (Was supervising till about age 11/12). However, if he had a new friend - I would prob have to supervise again.

I think a one to one activity based friendship is ‘easier’ and more usual of ND relationships than a friendship where plans change quickly/a lot of communication is needed as he may say the wrong this/misinterpret the situation and so feels embarrassed or is scared to say anything.

you could ask school to refer to speech and language therapy as they should help with communication.

I sit and ruminate for hours, but I dwell on things naturally and am a big overthinker so I’d say it depends on whether he’s just autistic or whether anxiety and OCD etc are also present.

I am the exact same as you in regards to ruminating and dwelling and overthinking but no I don’t think DS has either anxiety or OCD. My DH is autistic too and his brain is literally empty (apparently with a constant musical backing track) unless he puts his mind to work on a task. I am absolutely fascinated by this because my brain works on overdrive but I suspect DS’s brain is more like DH than mine. DS is a very playful soul, rarely anxious but he does get really, really embarrassed when he is out of his depth socially. He gets so embarrassed he can’t speak about it.

Has he said that he's embarrassed if so what is it that is embarrassing him?

Yes he does say when he is embarrassed but the embarrassment stops him from explaining things he is so uncomfortable with whatever it is that embarrasses him that he cannot explain it.

until you can get to the route cause it can be difficult to suggest the correct coping strategies.

That hits the nail on the head of what I am struggling with because I cannot get to the bottom of the embarrassment I am struggling to get the strategies he needs.

I would try and get him into a asd group so he has peers who are like him

He is actually in an ASD class in school and an ASD social group but the issues are the same there as in NT environments.

is he bothered about friends?

Good question yes and no. He wants big fun birthday parties where all his “friends” come along but he doesn’t have much of a day to day interest in making friends. When I ask him if he would like friends he says yes but he doesn’t engage in any of the activities we try with him to help to coach him on how he might go about making friends. I guess in other words he is interested in having the concept of friends but he he isn’t interested in putting the effort in to make them. I have two children with ASD the other one is a learning sponge about trying to figure out how the world works but he is naturally more apathetic and less curious about it all when I think about it.

I think a one to one activity based friendship is ‘easier’ and more usual of ND relationships than a friendship where plans change quickly/a lot of communication is needed as he may say the wrong this/misinterpret the situation and so feels embarrassed or is scared to say anything.

Thanks this is really good advice. I think I will try to figure this one out a bit. There are some potential candidates for this.

Which groups did you get, saw Dr Lucy wright peer group but not if is any good