Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Marital problems

4 replies

user234494393 · 12/02/2023 21:36

How do I get husband to love me and feel more close to him , Idk why I feel so distant from him. We just had a first baby and he's been amazing but a part of me feels like were just not we're we need to be. He is so focused on work (owns a business) that I feel so left out and lonely sometimes. I moved cities for him but it seems like his family make more of an effort with me then he does.
It feels like I'm begging him for the bare minimum of time and affection , not saying he isn't but it's not enough if that makes sense idk how to explain it.
I've communicated several times to him how I feel but he tells me I'm watching him too much or if I did more with my time then I wouldn't be so needy or insecure all the time which I get but that's quite hurtful to say. He tells me I'm always picking a fight and I'm looking for problems that aren't there. But my thing is when we first got married we were all over each other and I genuinely felt the love but now although I feel loved it's not the same. He's always so tired from work and so busy that I don't feel loved or appreciated. It's just this little thing we need to work on but he insists there isn't a problem and I'm always being negative or in a mood when he gets home but my thing is if I felt genuinely loved by him I would he always happy.
I'll give you an example. I was heavily pregnant and craving pancakes and kept asking him to let's go on a little desert date but every day he kept telling me he was tired but he always had energy to go for a meal with friends or chill with the lads but when it comes to me it feels like a chore to get him to do things with me idk why

I feel like I've reached breaking point and weve been fighting everyday for nearly two weeks now and we're not seeing eye to eye , whenever I try and forget about to and move on it bothers me to my core that I can't pretend I'm happy when I'm not but I love him very much and he's a good man it's just this one thing we need a change on but how do I do that is the Question.

Also anniversary is coming up in 3 weeks do I go on like we're all good and not ruin the day and give in to him telling me I'm just making a problem out of nothing or do I stand my ground?

OP posts:
IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 07:42

How old is baby? You might be feeling like this for a number of reasons. Those first few months (or more) were the most isolating times of my life. I felt horrendously lonely even though DH was attentive and loving when he wasn't working. Maternity leave can feel really mundane. I remember asking my friend if its supposed to be this boring (on day 1).

Maybe he's tired and overwhelmed with work and the preparation of newfound parenthood? I sure as hell wouldn't write your marriage off at this point, it's likely one of the bigger hurdles you will have to jump over together.

I imagine due to your upset (which is totally understandable by the way) you are starting arguments/being cold? Could you take a moment to yourself next time you feel yourself getting upset? Remember you are on the same team. And arguments will only create distance between you. You have said yourself you can't move on from it. With all due respect, you have to, otherwise you will get into a cycle where arguing is the norm and you will end up resenting each other.

Is he letting you take time to yourself if he has that time too? If not, you need to create some strong expectations from now. I can understand wanting to get away from family life as it can feel mentally exhausting. He shouldn't be neglecting your MH in the meantime.

Daizie · 13/02/2023 09:24

Do you do anything without him? See friends, see family, go shopping alone etc?

Original poster
user234494393 · 13/02/2023 14:10

IWineAndDontDine · 13/02/2023 07:42

How old is baby? You might be feeling like this for a number of reasons. Those first few months (or more) were the most isolating times of my life. I felt horrendously lonely even though DH was attentive and loving when he wasn't working. Maternity leave can feel really mundane. I remember asking my friend if its supposed to be this boring (on day 1).

Maybe he's tired and overwhelmed with work and the preparation of newfound parenthood? I sure as hell wouldn't write your marriage off at this point, it's likely one of the bigger hurdles you will have to jump over together.

I imagine due to your upset (which is totally understandable by the way) you are starting arguments/being cold? Could you take a moment to yourself next time you feel yourself getting upset? Remember you are on the same team. And arguments will only create distance between you. You have said yourself you can't move on from it. With all due respect, you have to, otherwise you will get into a cycle where arguing is the norm and you will end up resenting each other.

Is he letting you take time to yourself if he has that time too? If not, you need to create some strong expectations from now. I can understand wanting to get away from family life as it can feel mentally exhausting. He shouldn't be neglecting your MH in the meantime.

Baby Is 6 weeks old , and yeah he gives me me time when he's back from work and puts him to bed while I shower and just take a breather and honestly he is an amazing husband but I just can't seem to get that emotional vulnerability from him or to get him to want to spend time with me I don't know what it is
I'll definitely try and give myself a minute to gather my thoughts when I get upset thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
user234494393 · 13/02/2023 14:12

Daizie · 13/02/2023 09:24

Do you do anything without him? See friends, see family, go shopping alone etc?

Yeah I've learnt to just let him do his thing while I do my thing and just go out with friends or and occasionally go back to hometown on my own especially during my pregnancy as I suffered with really bad loneliness however I would like to do these things with him I don't get why he can't make time for me

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page