Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step son involving us in his marriage

15 replies

StopInvolvingMe · 12/02/2023 19:48

Step son is 30 and married with a baby. He works full time and his wife is SAHM.
His wife struggles with MH and is (understandably) finding life difficult. He is very hands on and when he is not working takes great care of the baby (who’s 13 months) and will often take the baby out for a few hours so she can rest in peace.

She is quite demanding and makes him feel that his efforts are not enough and will often criticise him and often is snappy and unreasonable with him. I realise she probably can’t help it and I do sympathise with her, but she is so very difficult to get along with, often being rude to me and DH when she visits. (We are nothing but polite to her)

Step son often calls up to speak to me or his Dad about how tired and fed up he is, but he’s been told off by his wife and gets in trouble with her as she is quite secretive and he’s not allowed to speak to us about anything to do with her.

I am worried about his mental health as he has history of depression and anxiety, and do not want to see him unhappy either.

I don’t particularly want to be involved in their marital problems but I don’t understand how to support both of them when she is such a difficult and secretive character to have a relationship with?

what should I do?

OP posts:
buckeejit · 12/02/2023 19:51

Maybe offer to look after the baby sometime if you can to give them time with each other?

Original poster
StopInvolvingMe · 12/02/2023 19:51

buckeejit · 12/02/2023 19:51

Maybe offer to look after the baby sometime if you can to give them time with each other?

We already do that

OP posts:
cstx89 · 12/02/2023 19:57

Can you and hubby meet with him and baby only - maybe when hes out on walks etc? Give him the chance of opening up without her knowing?

She sounds unwell tbh but there is always 2 sides to every story.

Original poster
StopInvolvingMe · 12/02/2023 19:59

cstx89 · 12/02/2023 19:57

Can you and hubby meet with him and baby only - maybe when hes out on walks etc? Give him the chance of opening up without her knowing?

She sounds unwell tbh but there is always 2 sides to every story.

He’s often visited us just him and the baby but he’s a terrible liar and she quizzes him when he gets home and gets in trouble with her

OP posts:
DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:00

Step son often calls up to speak to me or his Dad about how tired and fed up he is, but he’s been told off by his wife and gets in trouble with her as she is quite secretive and he’s not allowed to speak to us about anything to do with her.

He needs to stop telling her when he phones.

It wouldn't occur to me to tell my DH when I phone my family and I probably wouldn't mention it after other than to say, 'So and so sends their love'.

Sometimeswinning · 12/02/2023 20:04

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:00

Step son often calls up to speak to me or his Dad about how tired and fed up he is, but he’s been told off by his wife and gets in trouble with her as she is quite secretive and he’s not allowed to speak to us about anything to do with her.

He needs to stop telling her when he phones.

It wouldn't occur to me to tell my DH when I phone my family and I probably wouldn't mention it after other than to say, 'So and so sends their love'.

What? You need to stop comparing your relationship to this one. I wouldn't tell my dh unless it was for the same reason you said. His reason to call are completely different.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/02/2023 20:07

What were things like between them before the baby was born? Two lots of mental health problems isn’t a recipe for a peaceful harmonious life.

Sounds like she might be better off working and having more time away from the baby if she’s finding it so hard.

Does he want to stay with her?

Hoplesscynic · 12/02/2023 20:21

StopInvolvingMe · 12/02/2023 19:59

He’s often visited us just him and the baby but he’s a terrible liar and she quizzes him when he gets home and gets in trouble with her

Show quote history

That level of controlling I'd advise him to leave OP.

Hankunamatata · 12/02/2023 20:22

Perhaps she is wary about his parents being too involved in their marriage. In my early days of marriage I made mistake of confiding too much to my parents about mine and dh totally normal marital issues. They found it very hard to be postive about him when I was telling them such negative things. Then later I got annoyed that they didn't forgive and forget like I had.

SilverTotoro · 12/02/2023 20:34

This sounds very much like a two sides to every story scenario. Your SS shouldn’t really be talking to you about his wife’s medical issues. Perhaps she’s uncomfortable with this and rather than being controlling she’s worried about her privacy being invaded. I’d be mortified if my DH was discussing my health behind my back with his parents - likewise I would never talk about him to my family either. It’s perfectly possible for him to share his own MH and struggles with parenthood without disclosing information about his wife.

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:37

Sometimeswinning · 12/02/2023 20:04

What? You need to stop comparing your relationship to this one. I wouldn't tell my dh unless it was for the same reason you said. His reason to call are completely different.

Show quote history

My point is he doesn't need to tell her when he chooses to call his family.

The reason for the call is irrelevant.

IWineAndDontDine · 12/02/2023 20:42

You are surprised she's annoyed he's speaking to her in laws about how fed up and miserable he is and venting about her? I'd be upset if i found out my husband was doing that too. Sorry but there is more to this story. If he has form for bitching about his home life to you both I see why she would feel anxious every time he sees you. Not ok to have a go at him for it but I can empathise.

Also - I'm sure you think he's an angel and does 50/50 parenting when he's home. But IF that is the case (and usually, its not) that doesn't include the housework/admin/mental load. She might feel overwhelmed.

Sometimeswinning · 12/02/2023 22:06

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 20:37

My point is he doesn't need to tell her when he chooses to call his family.

The reason for the call is irrelevant.

Show quote history

But in that same situation I would probably tell dh in some boring catch up about the day I had called my dp's.

The very fact he is being advised to hide it shows it is not a healthy relationship and he is treading on eggshells. Her mh is having an impact on him and he should definitely be allowed to discuss it with his family without it being kept quiet.

drpet49 · 12/02/2023 22:36

IWineAndDontDine · 12/02/2023 20:42

You are surprised she's annoyed he's speaking to her in laws about how fed up and miserable he is and venting about her? I'd be upset if i found out my husband was doing that too. Sorry but there is more to this story. If he has form for bitching about his home life to you both I see why she would feel anxious every time he sees you. Not ok to have a go at him for it but I can empathise.

Also - I'm sure you think he's an angel and does 50/50 parenting when he's home. But IF that is the case (and usually, its not) that doesn't include the housework/admin/mental load. She might feel overwhelmed.

He is stressed and needs to talk to people about what is going on home. Nothing wrong with that at all/

IWineAndDontDine · 12/02/2023 22:40

drpet49 · 12/02/2023 22:36

He is stressed and needs to talk to people about what is going on home. Nothing wrong with that at all/

Show quote history

Sure, but it would cause issues in many marriages if you heard about it

New posts on this thread. Refresh page