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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Arrived home, dh barely glanced away from the telly

47 replies

Movingstressangst · 12/02/2023 18:47

I've been away for the weekend. Dh has had friends over. Got back in and he paused TV briefly to say hello then restarted what he was watching. Over half an hour of an episode left (he knew when I was getting back). No interest in having a conversation. Would your partners do this? Not sure if I'm just being needy?? I was looking forward to seeing him and catching up.

He also didn't meet me at the station (I'm in my third trimester and it was half an hour walk home with bags). I could have asked him though. But I'd like to not have to ask 😞. I know I have warped expectations because my dad always goes ridiculously out of his way to 'look after' my mum (I do like though that me and DH have a far more gender balanced relationship).

Feel sad but genuinely not sure if iabu.

OP posts:
Anywherebuthere · 12/02/2023 19:50

He did pause the TV to say hello.

Maybe he thought you might need time to rest and settle in before talking? Not everyones up for chatting after a weekend away or socialising.

You should also communicate more on what you would like from him rather than expecting him to know. ( it would be nice if people were mind readers and considerate but not everyone is ). If I wanted a lift home I would be specific and ask to make sure I would be picked from wherever I was rather than wishfully expecting it to happen.

MyEasterEggs · 12/02/2023 19:55

I’m expecting and I’d be livid if my OH didn’t collect me in this situation. But then I would have asked. Sometimes we have to be clear about what we need and it would’ve saved you struggling home and now being disappointed when he probably has no idea he’s done anything wrong.

Is he generally quite thoughtless? Stuff can go over my OHs head a lot of the time time but in pregnancy he won’t even let me bend over. So he’s at the opposite end of the spectrum which comes with it’s own challenges!

Frabbits · 12/02/2023 19:58

Yes, it would have been nice for dh to offer, but to walk home out of spite and not ask for a lift is just stupid.

IAmTheWalrus85 · 12/02/2023 19:58

beautifulpaintings · 12/02/2023 19:31

It's totally shite to know when your heavily pregnant wife is arriving home on the train with her bags, and happily parking your arse in front of Netflix while you know she is having to schlep half an hour home on foot. I mean, cmon!!

OP you certainly shouldn't have to ask. And after all that he can't be bothered with more than a glance and a hello. It's a no from me...

He also didn’t have friends round, they’d gone home.

QueenCamilla · 12/02/2023 20:00

How ridiculous. What's exactly "equal" between a man on a sofa and a heavily pregnant woman?

My blind Grand dad wanted to be treated equally in his life. Should have stopped giving him lifts... 🙄

DestinysGrandchild · 12/02/2023 20:02

Frabbits · 12/02/2023 19:58

Yes, it would have been nice for dh to offer, but to walk home out of spite and not ask for a lift is just stupid.

I agree with this.

Would have been nice of him to come and get you/ meet you if he doesn't drive but if he didn't I would have got a taxi home.

StandALot · 12/02/2023 20:04

Rubbish.

StickofVeg · 12/02/2023 20:15

Why would you not arrange for him to meet you at the station in advance? "I'll get into X at 3:35 please can you pick me up?" He's not a mind reader.

Tbh if he paused and said hello then carried on watching I think that's fine. The day doesn't need to stop just because you came home from a short trip away.

Sorry, I hope that's not too harsh, but I am not seeing the problem.

Spectre8 · 12/02/2023 20:26

You're really confusing. You start a post moaning your husband didn't pick you up and wish he thought of this things but your proud of having more of a gender balance...well thats abit of a contradiction there.

You're also moaning he didn't talk to you much when yo ugot home but in another post said its cos he still had mates there and you were tired from socialising anyway. Well that's another contradiction

So what exactly is the point of your moaning

lemonsugarsnap · 12/02/2023 20:27

I find it just as odd you didn't ask tbh. Both things perhaps a bit thoughtless but I can't imagine being in a relationship where I didn't just talk to my partner instead of quietly feeling sad about it.

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 20:31

He also didn't meet me at the station (I'm in my third trimester and it was half an hour walk home with bags). I could have asked him though. But I'd like to not have to ask 😞

This is the kicker. My H wouldn’t have heard of me walking home lugging my bags when I was pregnant. I’d have done my independent:martyr thing and told him to not be soft, but it is because he cares about me. A clear sign of a lack of giving-a-shit is galling.

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 20:40

YABU to want him to stop what he’s doing to catch up, when you can just catch up afterwards.

I would be annoyed that he didn’t pick me up from the station.
Why didn’t you ask him?
How did you get home?

I think you want him to be a mind reader which he isn’t.
But he also seems a bit self absorbed.

I think you just need to communicate more.

Pebbles16 · 12/02/2023 20:41

I would expect to have been met at the station given you are in your 3rd trimester (or you should have got a taxi).
But the conversation thing... I wouldn't get too het up... it gives you more conversation to have later (I would have been exhausted, but then I am a massive introvert)

GoldDuster · 12/02/2023 20:44

I'd pick up a heavily pregnant woman from the station, whether she was my housemate, daughter or partner, rather than sit on my arse watching the tv knowing she was lugging a bag down the road. I'd get the kettle on for her when we got home and ask her how she was. I would expect the same.

I'd say that was basics, you're not being unreasonable.

Abba123 · 12/02/2023 20:46

Look. I’m in that relationship myself. You just want a bit if acknowledgment.

Tell him.

It might not change anything but it gives him a chance at not being a total disappointment.

Your silence creates the inevitably.

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 20:54

How depressing that some posters would accept (and some even defend) their partner sitting at home on their arse watching TV, instead of thinking to pick them up from the station while heavily pregnant, because ‘they’re not mindreaders’.

melj1213 · 12/02/2023 21:02

I think YABU as this is all down to communication and you having expectations of your partner being a mind reader as to what you want without just explicitly saying so.

Got back in and he paused TV briefly to say hello then restarted what he was watching. Over half an hour of an episode left (he knew when I was getting back). No interest in having a conversation. Would your partners do this? Not sure if I'm just being needy?? I was looking forward to seeing him and catching up.

If I was in the middle of watching something when someone came in I would pause it for a few minutes for a quick "Hello, how was the weekend?", "Good thanks, was lovely to see Auntie Muriel for a few days" but after that short exchange I would go back to what I was watching and expect the other person to want a bit of time to get themselves sorted and settled - take off coat/shoes, put away bags, come and join me on the sofa. Once they were settled and I'd finished what I was watching then that would be the juncture to expect a more detailed conversation about the weekend plans.

If the other person wanted to have a longer conversation I would expect them to say so eg "Hi, how was the weekend?" "Good thanks, I'll go and have five minutes to get sorted then I'll tell you all about it when your programme's done, I've got a lot to tell you." This then allows me to either agree with their plan, watch the end of my show and then give them my undivided attention or say "Don't be silly, you put your bag away, I'll put the kettle on and you can tell me all about it; I'll finish my show later". Neither of these options require me to be a mind reader to know which scenario the other person would prefer.

Personally, when I get home from a weekend away all I want to do when I get in is kick off my shoes, have a shower to refresh after travelling, unpack my bag and then flop on the sofa. Only at this point am I in the right headspace to want to talk to someone else.

He also didn't meet me at the station (I'm in my third trimester and it was half an hour walk home with bags). I could have asked him though. But I'd like to not have to ask 😞.

This seems like another lack of communication and to me it is making you come across as a bit of a martyr.

What was your plan for getting home? Did your plans fall through or did you just expect him to appear at the station? Why didn't you explicitly ask for a lift when an offer wasn't forthcoming? Why was there no arrangement made before you left?

If someone didn't ask me to pick them up then I would assume they had made other arrangements - whether that was a lift from someone else (if I knew they were travelling with a friend), public transport or a taxi - and it wouldn't occur to me that they were expecting a lift if they hadn't asked ahead of time.

Even just a "I'm due back on Sunday at 5pm, will you be free to pick me up?" would have saved you the walk. Your partner could then have either said yes and you could have arranged the specifics (eg when I'm getting picked up we always agree "The train should be getting in at 5:12 but I'll give you a ring when we leave [town 5 mins away]" as that is the perfect amount of time for them to get to the station without waiting ages) or said no and you could have made alternative arrangements - taxi/bis etc.

xogossipgirlxo · 12/02/2023 21:05

Nope, nothing I would accept in my house. We greet each other at the door every day and would be fucking gutted if my husband chose telly over me. Yanbu.

Movingstressangst · 12/02/2023 21:16

We talked and all cleared up. I need to ask for what I want, but he understands why I was upset. Thanks for the responses 🙂.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 12/02/2023 21:21

ItchyBillco · 12/02/2023 20:54

How depressing that some posters would accept (and some even defend) their partner sitting at home on their arse watching TV, instead of thinking to pick them up from the station while heavily pregnant, because ‘they’re not mindreaders’.

OP could also have asked instead of being silly and choosing to struggle home alone.

Maybe her DH didn't know what train she was due to get and was waiting for her to say when she needed collecting?

xogossipgirlxo · 12/02/2023 23:14

Movingstressangst · 12/02/2023 21:16

We talked and all cleared up. I need to ask for what I want, but he understands why I was upset. Thanks for the responses 🙂.

Good for you guys, easy to fix with conversation

Slimjimtobe · 12/02/2023 23:20

That’s good op (but he should have showed a bit more care) I nearly left my dh near the end of my pregnancy for lack of care but he now thinks a lot more. Decade in we are ok

but make sure you let him know in future

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