To take the chance

[maddox08]

AIBU To think that if I could just get my dd father alone with us both and show him all he's missed out on from the birth of our daughter to now, that he will realise he wants to make it work with us?

We were in a casual relationship as he wasn't ready to be a dad when I fell pregnant, we lost touch and I struggled to get hold of him until she was 3. He had then moved on with someone else. I dreamed of what could have been if he had just come back to me and the family unit my dd never got to have.

Is it silly that I think deep down, if he came back I would accept his reasons and want that family unit now? My dd is 9

9 years too late. sorry

Why would you subject your daughter to this when she is now old enough to understand being rejected?
You should have moved on from these feelings years ago... if he didnt want you then ..why would he want you now?
Sorry to be brutal, but you are living in a dream world.

Yes.

He would have been in her life if he'd wanted to. Focus on here and now. Reality not fantasy. You can grieve for it, that's understandable, but need to focus on you and your child.

I think you need to look at why your wish is that he makes it work with you. Rather then wishing he was simply in her life.

is part of the reason he isn’t around is that it’s been made clear to him that he can’t see her without being with you?

You really shouldn’t be linking your relationship with him to his relationship with the child.

Why would you want to be with him at all? You were never in a relationship and so have no idea if it would be good or not.

You need therapy if you're still hankering after someone who abandoned you both 9 years ago. I don't get parents who hold any esteem for the parent who fucked off their kid. Surely you love your DC more than anything, and someone who doesn't love your DC or care for then in any way is not a fucking prize.

I think I just longed for the life we could of had. He has a good job, I know this from the amount of child support my dd gets.

We struggled a lot before he started paying, and I always wonder what our life would have been like if we decided to make it more than casual and the opportunities my dd could of had. Silly I know

No point hankering over a life that you never had (not might have had). Yes, it could have been a fantastic life but equally it could have been a destructive relationship. You will never know so please stop wasting headspace on it.

As others have said you need to address why you feel like this. You have to accept that he is nothing to you and your daughter and has no interest in a relationship. It is not healthy obsessing over the past/a future that never happened.

Move on with your life and set a strong positive example of living life as an independent woman to your daughter.

I have moved on, I got into a relationship back in 2015, once I knew he wasn't coming back to us after starting to pay, I thought he would make more or an effort after he was chased through child support to pay!

Unfortunately OP you're dreaming of a scenario that basically assumes he has no control of his own life.

Nothing has stopped him getting in touch, from asking for another chance or from being involved with his DD, he hasn't done any of these things - because he doesn't want to.

You're focusing on the family unit element but ultimately if he doesn't want to be with you as his partner/lover etc then the rest isn't going to happen. Sorry to be blunt but this is a man who left you, didn't want to try to make things work and has been an absent father to your daughter - why would you want to be with someone with those morals? And what makes you think he cares?

Sorry but that life didn’t happen. Nothing can make it happen now. You can’t change the past. He doesn’t know her. Please don’t try to subject your dd to a meeting with a man who doesn’t want her.