How do you cope with a small family?

crochetmonkey74 · 2023-02-12T16:19:55+00:00

Just that really. I'm late forties, no kids. One sibling who also has no partner or kids. Ex partner had a lovely family who I miss more than him. Both my parents are dead and I just feel very alone. I have lovely friends and I know they love me but how do you cope with knowing you have no real family left? I have 3 aunties and uncles, but the relationships have always been at the level of a Christmas card, and attempts to develop them haven't really worked. Anyone in the same position? How do you manage your mental health and stay upbeat around it?

SomeAlienConcept · 12/02/2023 16:22

You have more than other people, focus on strengthening the friendships and on meeting new people. Why did you cut contact with ex's family? Unless things ended nastily why can't you stay in touch with them and see them still?

Original poster

crochetmonkey74 · 12/02/2023 16:26

SomeAlienConcept · 12/02/2023 16:22

You have more than other people, focus on strengthening the friendships and on meeting new people. Why did you cut contact with ex's family? Unless things ended nastily why can't you stay in touch with them and see them still?

Staying in touch with them is not possible definitely.
I will definitely be working on strengthening current friendships and making new ones. I guess that's all I can do really. It makes me sad sometimes though. It's a bleak place at times

OP posts:

hattie43 · 12/02/2023 16:42

I am aware I will be in this situation at some point . I am an only
child , divorced years ago no kids .My dads side of the family disappeared decades ago and mums side is small and abroad and they are in touch with her but not me . When she passes I will have no connected family at all and I'm not sure how'll I'll feel about that . I have friends but we don't live in each other's pocket and they have their own families .
You don't really hear about adult orphans do you .

TedMullins · 12/02/2023 16:45

It just doesn’t bother me. There’s only me really, no kids or siblings and parents who I keep at arm’s length for various reasons. I don’t miss what I never had. I’ve got good friends, a full enjoyable life and a nice boyfriend (he doesn’t have a big close family either). I’m a big believer in choosing the people to surround yourself with and don’t really believe in family obligations, unless you have a family you like and enjoy spending time with of course. But not everyone does have that and that’s ok. I just enjoy and make the most of what I have got.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 11/04/2023 05:39

What exactly is it about a "real family" that you're longing for? You say you have lovely friends - what is it you want that they don't give you? You need to reflect on the heart of the matter and tease out the reality of what you're lacking - then you might be able to find a solution.

MrsMullerBecameABaby · 11/04/2023 05:51

Do you have a hobby or a cause you care about that you could develop into/ would be a way into a community? Some hobbies and types of voluntary work are like this. It's also why some people with no actual faith become very involved in a church community.

If you feel bleak maybe you need that community/ big family feeling and there are ways to replicate it, but obviously you have to really throw yourself into a hobby or cause and pick the right one!

TakeMe2Insanity · 11/04/2023 06:03

You have to find your people, those who are slightly similar but have something missing too eg if you want children in your life but can’t have them then people who have children but lack uncle and aunts.

On a side note that you might want children theres still time to look into those avenues.

malificent7 · 11/04/2023 06:30

Love it...far less drama.

JamNittyGritty · 11/04/2023 06:41

I have a small family. I do have 2 teen kids but am divorced. My parents and my brother are dead. I have one sister and 2 nephews who live overseas. No aunts, uncles or cousins. So i am pretty alone here in terms of family. I do feel I am missing out, and my kids especially, on having more family and have a lots of nostalgia for times when my parents and brother were alive.

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 11/04/2023 07:26

My MIL has a very dear friend in a similar position to you. She has recently started calling us her family which I think helps. We don’t mind, I’m happy to adopt another auntie

WindyWends · 11/04/2023 07:40

Honestly, it's a constant sadness and loneliness.

I have DH, but we recently relocated and I haven't been able to make any new connections or friends yet so it feels really hard at the moment.

Hamsterrace · 11/04/2023 07:43

I'm in the same boat except that I do have dc. No parents, brothers or sisters. Birthdays, Christmas, Easter, days out, it's just me and the dc. I hope to one day meet someone with a large family!

KimberleyClark · 11/04/2023 07:46

I also have a small family. Me and DH, no kids, DH is an only. I have one sibling who has a partner and one child. DH does have people who although they are not blood relatives he does think of as family as he has known them since childhood.

TotallyLosttonight · 11/04/2023 07:46

I understand how you feel. I'm in the process of separating from my husband. I do have 2 DC but I'm scared of the future. No parents or siblings. Extended family are a long way away and we're not particularly close. Husband and kids were it for me, I know I still have the kids (at least some of the time) but I do feel adrift. I'd love a big, close family.

IsolatedWilderness · 11/04/2023 07:52

I've just accepted that family is not my lot in this life.

AnybodyAnywhere · 11/04/2023 08:05

My family was always tiny and now my only living relative is 96 and lives in Australia. DH has a large family but has very little contact - there’s been a lot of drama.

I love my freedom, I have lots of friends and a busy active life. DH isn’t a gregarious person and prefers being at home and is quite happy for me to go off to festivals, gigs and holidays. I’m very happy with my own company, growing up I was the only child in our whole family (no cousins etc) so it’s what I know.

I couldn’t cope with demands and responsibilities of a large family. I did have the sole responsibility of caring for my mother for a few years and that was difficult on my own but nothing compared to what DH went through while caring for his parents when you added a large family with a lot of opinions (but very little action) into the mix.

I wouldn’t swap my life for a large family ever!

Urghfedup · 11/04/2023 08:16

Move to a street with elderly people on it, adopt them all.

JessicaBrassica · 11/04/2023 08:43

Being an only child of only children is tough. When I realized that I was the only person left alive when I looked at my childhood photo albums I was very sad. I was in my 30s so felt very young to be the last man standing.
I went on to develop a very strong network of friends but I'm aware that they all put family first. They have siblings, parents, grandparents who require time and investment and friends have to fit in the time that's left. The realization that there is no 'home' you can go back to where you are loved unconditionally.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 11/04/2023 08:45

There's just my parents and I in this country - all my extended family live on the other side of the world.

DH has a huge family who all live nearby and it just seems like there's constant drama and bickering

Holihobbies · 11/04/2023 08:47

Is there anything that could connect you to your community more - church or a sports team, volunteering? Our sports team has many supporters who are ex players, we cal them our fan club, they come to all our matches and are included in nights out and weekends away.

CrunchyCarrot · 11/04/2023 08:58

I have no family now. No parents, no siblings, no aunts/uncles, no cousins. Nada. It did make me sad for awhile, but eventually you move on to thinking about other things. My partner is all I have, he is an only like me, but has a wide circle of friends and other relatives.

I think the lesson there is try to keep friendships going, maybe join groups with common interests to yourself. I am in a number of online groups and have friends that way.

StagsLeap · 11/04/2023 09:00

TedMullins · 12/02/2023 16:45

It just doesn’t bother me. There’s only me really, no kids or siblings and parents who I keep at arm’s length for various reasons. I don’t miss what I never had. I’ve got good friends, a full enjoyable life and a nice boyfriend (he doesn’t have a big close family either). I’m a big believer in choosing the people to surround yourself with and don’t really believe in family obligations, unless you have a family you like and enjoy spending time with of course. But not everyone does have that and that’s ok. I just enjoy and make the most of what I have got.

This. I don’t get the very prescriptive idea of what a family ‘should’ be like.

EmmaEmerald · 11/04/2023 09:01

what's your relationship like with your sibling? Did this feeling start after losing the second parent?

MrsRandom123 · 11/04/2023 09:37

You just get on with it. Sorry not much advice other than that. My parents & grandparents are dead & i have a sister i never see (too wrapped up in her own life, doesn’t want kids etc so we never see or hear from her & i gave up trying years ago & felt better) thats it & my husband doesn’t have anything to do with his family either so it’s literally me & the kids. Again we tried with them but they said he had to pick me or them (basically my family supported a different football team & that was that & they always called us derogatory names so he cut them off pre kids) its just the 5 of us, we never get time alone, my kids have no one & i do feel sad sometimes more than others but we are on our own for a reason & would be no happier with people like that in our lives. I do feel sad and i’ll admit jealous when i see people post pictures of big family get togethers - grandparents, siblings & cousins all smiling or on holiday together but i don’t have that & i never will so i stopped comparing & i came off social media & i just focus on giving my kids the best possible life i can with as many experiences as possible & hope that they grow up close and be there for each other with their own kids like those other families& hope when i’m older my house will be the one full of kids & partners & grandkids all happy together but we don’t know how life will turn out. The worst thing for me is not having my mum i could cope with the rest but she didn’t even get to meet my kids & to be honest my attitude is that there is no point feeling sorry for yourself. You can chose to “fight” & get on with it & try to make the most of it or be upset & dwell in it & its the later that would affect my mental health more. my kids are happy, sensible confidant and sociable kids (so far) who are doing well at school so it’s not having a negative affect on them so i need to make sure it doesn’t have one on me.

sorry you are alone too

McSlowburn · 11/04/2023 10:01

I'm married with two teenage DCs (plus two cats!). My parents both died last year and I have one sister who I'm very close to but who lives a couple of hours away (no DCs).

My aunts, uncles and cousins etc all live in Australia and the US. We are all friendly on social media and I have calls with two of them a few times a year, but it's not like having them here.

My DH is quite close to his brothers and families, but not so his parents, but we see them all a few times a year including Christmas (they live in different towns). He's also got six cousins who he never really sees at all.

So I think we have a lot less family around us than most now, but I have a lot of nice friends and a lovely relationship with my DCs and DH and don't consider us isolated in that respect at all. I'm still dealing with grief right now but I'm positive for the future.