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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think its unfair (dealing with parents in laws)

25 replies

emituofo · 12/02/2023 16:11

I know this is probably not a big deal compared with many issues people face, but I would really aprreciate some third party opionions.

My inlaws are French and live in France. Since we moved to the UK, they have asked us to set up an auto payment for Dartford Crossing so that each time they come and go, our card get charged automatically.

It has been this way for many years, its not a lot of money and we didnt mind.

A few months ago when we went to visited them in France, we asked to borrow one of their toll road cards (it allows you to go through toll roads without stopping) when we needed to do a trip, they made an excuse (saying it was hard to remove from their car) and refused us.

Today when they told DH they were coming to visit us, I suggested to DH we should probably stop the automatic payment.DH got angry and said I was mean to suggest that.

I know its very little money to make a fuss about and it is better we just keep quiet to avoid conflicts for such little money. However I dont understand why he thinks Im being mean making such a suggestion and never said a thing when his parents refused us straigtaway.

How would you feel if you were in my position?

OP posts:

Deviniaursula · 12/02/2023 16:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/02/2023 16:15

Is there something else going on, this seems like such a little thing to be miserly over.

Based on post I think YABU tbh.

ModeWeasel · 12/02/2023 16:15

I would leave this as between your husband and his parents tbh

countvoncount · 12/02/2023 16:16

I'd let this one go
It's very different in france to having a payment method set up for our crossing
You sound petty to be honest

Pootles34 · 12/02/2023 16:17

Tbf I can fully believe french bureaucracy would make it tricky to swap the cars over. Just leave it. If it's part of something bigger then that's what you need to address

Octonaut4Life · 12/02/2023 16:19

Of course it would have been polite for them to reciprocate but you're just being incredibly petty to suggest stooping to their level.

HospitalHelp · 12/02/2023 16:19

Why on earth are people saying the op is petty, she shouldn’t have to pay for them to use a crossing, they should pay themselves. Tight arses.

Ponoka7 · 12/02/2023 16:23

So your down £2.50 a go? Do they make that up by treating you either here or at their's? Have they offered and your DH has told them to forget it? It's upto him if he wants to pay for his parents. I've never seen anything so small be so begrudged and churlish.

GaspingGekko · 12/02/2023 16:24

I totally get you OP, seems a bit mean from them to say no but still expect you to pay for them.
But I would just let it go to be honest, it's not worth making a fuss over.

In contrast to what a PP said, our télépeage device wasn't linked to a registration plate and you can order and extra one on the same account - this is what we did for my parents so they could drive down from the UK without stopping at each toll booth.

Weallgottachangesometime · 12/02/2023 16:26

In and of itself this sounds a little frustrating but not something worth making a big deal over. However I assume there is wider context or other behaviour.

DuplicateUserName · 12/02/2023 16:26

How would you feel if you were in my position?

Like I should've used my voice at the time.

saraclara · 12/02/2023 16:27

You were petty and spiteful about his parents. So he was reasonable. to be annoyed

mexicanabanana · 12/02/2023 16:27

‘Belle maman, beau papa, it’s very easy to slide le badge télépéage out of its socket’ I used to lend mine a lot, it saves a lot of time and hassle at the toll booth. OP, they’re being petty et radins!

Deviniaursula · 12/02/2023 16:30

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

ChateauMargaux · 12/02/2023 16:32

Tolls in France can be paid on the spot and can add to up quite a sum over a long journey - Calais to Paris is 24 euros, Calais to Nice would be 120 Euros. It is not difficult to transfer the device from one car to another but unless they have a spare, if they give their's to you, they will have to get their own.

The dartford crossing payment is £2.50 and you have to go on line, set up an account and pay it on line. They are not really comparable.

You can however, get your own toll device for France, linked to your own credit card.

Blanketpolicy · 12/02/2023 16:33

What does hard to remove from their car mean?

Is it just a badge that they can transfer between cars easily and it is allowed on the T&Cs to put on any car? What was the reason they said it was hard to remove?

If they would need to remove and reregister on another car it is unreasonable to expect that.

mexicanabanana · 12/02/2023 16:34

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

I still do but no one else needs it at the moment. It just slides in and out of its socket.

JudgeRudy · 12/02/2023 16:35

I'm not a fan of passive aggression. I think the time to address this has passed. Do you believe they were lieing to you when you asked to borrow there's?

Original poster

emituofo · 12/02/2023 16:39

Thank you all for sharing your honest thoughts. Yes, there have always been some issues between me and them. I dont really want to go into details. To me I feel they always put themselves first, not willing to make any effort for their kids and grandkids. There is nothing wrong with putting themselves first but it is very different from how my family would treat us. Perhaps the difference made me really disappointed at them and stopped the willingness to even try.

OP posts:

Original poster

emituofo · 12/02/2023 16:43

They told us they cant be bothered to remove it, as far as I know they were staying home the entile time and didnt plan to go anywhere that requires toll roads. I was willing to pay them, just thought would be easier to use theirs.

OP posts:

catandcoffee · 12/02/2023 16:45

Whos card does the payment come out from....yours and I'd cancel
Husband / partner wouldn't bother me at all.

Weallgottachangesometime · 12/02/2023 16:46

I think if this one issue is a symptom of a wider issue with them I would focus on the actual issue rather than this one thing. Maybe speak to your partner about how you feel. Also ponder how to be more assertive in the future, so not to put yourself out for them in the future if you don’t want to.

Original poster

emituofo · 12/02/2023 16:49

catandcoffee · 12/02/2023 16:45

Whos card does the payment come out from....yours and I'd cancel
Husband / partner wouldn't bother me at all.

Its our card linked to the dartford crossing. Its really not about the amount of money, it is their willingness that made me upset.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2023 16:52

Yes, there have always been some issues between me and them.

Obviously. There was no way this is just about the crossing fee.

averylongtimeago · 12/02/2023 17:07

£2.50 per crossing - so only a few £per visit, compared with probably over 100€ in toll fees (unless they only live a few km from the ferry). Plus it's easy to pay in cash or card as you drive the toll area, unlike the Dartford tunnel where you have to go on line to set up an account.
It's a big difference! Were you expecting them to pay for your tolls as well?
You sound pretty mean OP- if the odd £2.50 is that important to you, ask them for the cash!

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