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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Grumpy husband

17 replies

waitingforsummer23 · 12/02/2023 16:11

I feel like ending my marriage. DH recently diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. Mentioning that so not to drop feed but I don’t know if it’s relevant.

He’s so stroppy over everything. My dad is like it and he doesn’t have ADHD to my knowledge so wondering if it could just be men.

I can’t even think of concrete examples because it’s so many times a day. Really stupid things. Quite often over the DC as youngest especially is very hard work, and DH just drones on at him while telling him off which is pointless - he’s 3.

My friends all think he’s miserable because he’s quite anti social. He’s very passive and has no initiative (suspect this is to do with ADHD) and would never, for example, play football with DC in the garden. He’s not a man child who doesn’t pull his weight and would recognise something that needed doing and do it - put fresh bedding on for example. But would never have the initiative to organise a day out for us as a family or even make a suggestion.

The snappiness is the main issue though. I feel so worn down.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 12/02/2023 16:15

Why do you think being passive and having no initiative is ADHD? Has he always been snappy? You'll get posters bending over backwards to say he can't help it, but I've never known women who have ADHD to carry on as the men do. Does he snap in work or at other adults? He's going to destroy your children's mental health.

Original poster
waitingforsummer23 · 12/02/2023 16:22

I’m sure lacking initiative is a trait? He struggles with this in work, he can have days where he gets nothing done.

It’s difficult to think back, we’ve been together a very long time. When we started seeing each other we were young and spent a lot of our time together going out drinking, or watching box sets, fun things that young couples do. We have had big arguments from early on though. I’m not perfect and can also lack patience but I’ve learned to manage it with age whereas he’s gotten grumpier.

No he doesn’t snap at others, but I think he masks when he’s in work. And as mentioned he’s anti social so doesn’t spend loads of time with friends unless they are watching football, playing football, at the cinema. Or again drinking, which relaxes him.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 12/02/2023 16:28

Op I think we share a dh. Currently not speaking.. It is draining. No answers but sending support...
A long bath is very helpful ime.
Mine is 42 but I call him a miserable old git often.
Mention him acting like his df which isn't an attractive quality....

Original poster
waitingforsummer23 · 12/02/2023 16:32

Oh gosh @Eastereggsboxedupready. Also currently not speaking which is very unusual as I like to get everything out in the open there and then so we can move on, but I’m just exhausted of having the same conversation over and over again.

I’m also terrified of him turning into his DF. He is already a much better man than him as FIL has treated MIL appallingly in the past, but FIL, who is 100% on the spectrum, but also just a complete arsehole, is so anti social, he and MIL hardly speak. She babies him (something I’ve never done) but I don’t want to be like them - sat in separate rooms of an evening.

How old are your DC? Ours are 7 and 3.

OP posts:
Witchytwitchybitchy · 12/02/2023 16:58

95 percent of ADHD is inherited- worth keeping an eye on 3 yo. Is your husband on meds for ADHD. He would find life much easier, not sure it would make him less grumpy though!

Original poster
waitingforsummer23 · 12/02/2023 17:04

@Witchytwitchybitchy we are certain eldest DC has ADHD. He was nothing like youngest funnily enough! Youngest may well have SN too but I it’s too early to tell, although we had suspicions about DC1 by this age because of how they were at nursery. DC2 is the classic angel for everyone other than us.

He’s recently diagnosed and is going to start looking into meds, but no medication yet.

OP posts:
MiltonRoad · 12/02/2023 17:04

Witchytwitchybitchy · 12/02/2023 16:58

95 percent of ADHD is inherited- worth keeping an eye on 3 yo. Is your husband on meds for ADHD. He would find life much easier, not sure it would make him less grumpy though!

Source? Sounds like a made up stat

Original poster
waitingforsummer23 · 12/02/2023 17:05

It’s not 95% I don’t think. It’s quite high though, I’m sure it’s over 70%.

OP posts:
Original poster
waitingforsummer23 · 12/02/2023 17:07

I’ve just checked the stats for those who are interested, it looks like there’s a 50% chance of a child inheriting ADHD from a parent.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 12/02/2023 17:11

Strangely one of my dc is a carbon copy. And dh isn't his df! Our joint dc has no signs at all.
Life is a roundabout not a roller-coaster. Same old followed by same old issues. Am trying to figure out who's mh is currently worse and who's can be salvaged.. Doesn't feel like any winners but damage limitations..

Original poster
waitingforsummer23 · 12/02/2023 17:20

Eastereggsboxedupready · 12/02/2023 17:11

Strangely one of my dc is a carbon copy. And dh isn't his df! Our joint dc has no signs at all.
Life is a roundabout not a roller-coaster. Same old followed by same old issues. Am trying to figure out who's mh is currently worse and who's can be salvaged.. Doesn't feel like any winners but damage limitations..

That sounds very depressing 😟does your DH also have ADHD? Are you scared of your miserable DH creating an Ongoing atmosphere that ends up grinding the joy out of your DC?

OP posts:
Witchytwitchybitchy · 23/02/2023 20:33

Re 95 percent. Google Dr Russell Barkley- just checked- 95 percent. He has done some groundbreaking work on ADHD and executive functioning. He has a video lasting about 1hr 40 mins where he goes into it.
I have ADHD- it explains sooooo much from the past. Didn’t realise until researching how to support my son with ADHD, due to very premature birth.

Love the poster { not really) who says it’s a made up stat- because obviously my life is so empty I must come onto a niche on-line forum and make up stats!

Eastereggsboxedupready · 23/02/2023 21:46

Not an armchair Dr but inattention adhd explains my dh... He gets as frustrated with himself as much as I do. He isn't a bad man is becoming my Go - To Mantra..
It is exhausting though.

Resentful at times to feel like the only adult around here.

Hollyppp · 19/06/2023 20:38

Following as DH the same - very grumpy, impatient, intolerant, snappy.

also recently recognised many of the adhd traits in himself and initial test v strong suggestions

pictoosh · 19/06/2023 20:52

"He’s so stroppy over everything. My dad is like it and he doesn’t have ADHD to my knowledge so wondering if it could just be men."

It's not 'just men' but I do think there is something in what you say. It's not all men but in my experience there are a lot of grumpy, disrespectful, bad-tempered men around. I could be wrong but I think they are socially conditioned to think they're the boss and therefore have every right to be a rude bastard. You will notice that these men are always highly offended if someone is rude or snappy in kind...particularly if it's one of his subordinates (spouse and children).

It's ingrained and it is deeply unattractive.

pictoosh · 19/06/2023 20:59

I mean, who wants to smooch with someone who speaks to you like shit?

Who wants to fuck someone who two hours ago, made you feel like a worthless idiot?

Angry men are hideous.

pictoosh · 19/06/2023 21:02

ADHD or not.

P.s We all experience it differently...but I've got ADHD and I'm not rude or bad tempered to my family at all.

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