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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to see partner more?

22 replies

Partnerproblemm · 12/02/2023 14:29

Met last summer, live about 20 mins from each other. I’d really love for us to start seeing more of each other. We usually see each other one evening a week or for a few hours on the weekend. We’ve stayed over at each others a couple of times but it’s not a regular thing. I would say half of the stuff I suggest to do partner can’t do, and I’m always like ‘no worries’ so question is do I say that I’d really love us to find more time for each other or is this an unreasonable request as if they wanted to see more of me they’d find the time.

Context that I think is relevant: I work shorter hours/ have no family nearby (but family have met partner and are big fans!), partner has family in same town who they see a lot of (but who I have not met due to fundamentally different world view and partner doesn’t want to be caught in the middle). We both have a wide circle of friends so I’m not remotely lonely, just would love to do more with partner. No children/ pets.

YABU: people have busy lives, you need to slot in and make the most of the time you do get
YANBU: use your words and say you’d like to see them more and if the answer is no, split

OP posts:

Keyansier · 12/02/2023 15:01

What is the fundamentally different world view you have as opposed to your partners family?

Why is your partner unable to do half of the stuff you suggest?

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/02/2023 15:03

Is he married?

Merryoldgoat · 12/02/2023 15:15

Fundamental world view?

Frankly after 6-9 months this should’ve moved on a bit.

If you have no kids or commitments there are no real barriers so for me it screams he’s not as interested In you as you are in him.

Dodecaheidyin · 12/02/2023 15:24

Your partner has said they don't want to be caught in the middle of opposing sides on some world view or other. Is that their way of keeping you a secret? Could that be why they say no to things you suggest? Do you go out on dates or is it always just at the house for sex? Do you ever get anything you want or is it always their way?

Soapnotshowergel · 12/02/2023 15:31

"Partner" seems like a bit of a stretch for someone you see for about 7 hours a week.

I guess they're either in a relationship already or they're just not that into you.

thesnailandthewhale · 12/02/2023 15:42

I have a fwb that I see around once a week, always stay over at his when I see him, I wouldn't describe him as a partner partly due to the infrequency of seeing him. In your situation I don't think I'd see them as a partner due to only seeing them occasionally and not spending the night together, sorry.

Johnisafckface · 12/02/2023 16:31

I understand OP. I had an ex that I adored who I only saw once a week - usually Saturday late afternoon til noon the next day. I wanted to see him more so I suggested I come over Fridays too especially since he lived almost an hour away.

but he was very social so slotted wanted to spend the other six days a week doing other stuff.

it was very hurtful. And it made me feel he just didn’t like me enough to want to see me more. I will also admit that with my recent ex I was happy to see him once a week which wasn’t enough for him. And it made me realize that i just didn’t like him enough to want to see him more often.

larchforest · 12/02/2023 16:38

I get the impression that there is something that your DP's family strongly disapproves of, and that they won't accept you because of it. Is this something to do with faith or ethnicity perhaps, or gender?

If so, then I think it is unlikely that the relationship is going anywhere, because your DP isn't going to choose you and become estranged from their family.

Ragwort · 12/02/2023 16:46

Hardly a 'partner' surely ? Do you mean boy/girl friend? Are you in an exclusive sexual relationship or just 'friends'?
I think you need to explain more about the 'fundamentally different world view'. ... it could be a real concern if you aren't being introduced... are you being 'hidden' away ... good enough for sex but not much else .....? Years ago I dated someone for 18 months and he never wanted me to meet his family, for religious reasons. Understandably the relationship fizzled out.

Goodadvice1980 · 12/02/2023 16:47

It sounds like he’s not really interested. Probably happy for a shag once a week but he doesn’t want to make an effort. Chuck this one back. You clearly want different things.

catandcoffee · 12/02/2023 16:49

what's the fundamental thing ???

FiddleLeaf · 12/02/2023 16:54

These posts always leave me amazed. Where’s the communication? What hope is there if you’re not able to be honest?

and I’m always like ‘no worries’ so question is do I say that I’d really love us to find more time for each other

There are worries.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/02/2023 16:57

I'm afraid you're not "listening", op. Believe his actions. His actions are telling you that he's just not that into you. You're a FWB to him, nothing more.

PollyIndia · 12/02/2023 17:02

I kind of think it doesn't matter what we all think, as if it's enough for you, then it's fine. If it's not, then it's not fine. Sounds like you want to see him more, and as you've got no kids, you should have plenty of time to be doing stuff together as well as separately. I think you need to tell him what you want and if he can't meet in the middle, then it's not the relationship for you.
FWIW I don't see much of my boyfriend - sometimes only 1 night a week - because I've got DS 100% of the time and my own demanding business, and he's got loads on with his work too and we don't live together. I'm 100% fine with this though, and I'm in no doubt of his commitment to me.

Bellalalala · 12/02/2023 17:05

How can the relationship go anywhere if you have fundamentally different views to his family, that is such a big deal you can’t spend time with them? And he is telling you he won’t be put in the middle?

Your boyfriend spends a lot of time with his family. That won’t change. That means he doesn’t have much time with you. And won’t, ever.

and if he is so close to them, he must at least sympathise with their position on this or might even agree. Which means he has fundamentally different views to you too. If it’s such a huge thing you can not meet them, the surely you have considered his opinion on the subject.

Tilllly · 12/02/2023 17:09

I think you should take your body and run. Because it sounds like that's all he wants from you

Pssspsss · 12/02/2023 17:13

Errr… you are a booty call and/or he’s in a relationship with someone else

qpmz · 12/02/2023 18:33

Don't say 'no worries' when he turns down your suggestions of things to do. You've got every right to be unhappy if he doesn't come with alternatives.

If only wants to see you a few hours a week, he's not valuing you enough and you deserve more.

Original poster

Partnerproblemm · 13/02/2023 00:00

Hello - thanks for replies. I said partner bc we are same sex and I didn’t want to bring that into it as sometimes people treat it differently to heterosexual relationships (English lacks a less intense non gendered word!). The different view is that their family are all homophobic but I’ve met their friends and also some colleagues so I’m deff not being hidden/ there is no one else! We go on fab dates that we take turns organising each week, usually not at either of our houses (lucky to both have incomes that allow for dinner out, cinema etc). But I’m getting the message that you all think I’m not unreasonable to want to see more of them which confirms my thoughts so thanks for all taking the time to reply 🙂

OP posts:

Pssspsss · 13/02/2023 01:27

Have there been any discussions about relationship status? Are you a couple? Casually dating and seeing other people? (Partner may be doing this thinking it’s casual but you may not be) Are you saying you want to move things up a gear and be a more committed but is partner potentially not on that page??

Do you chat a lot when not together? Do they work stupid shifts that make it hard to socialise eg you days them nights etc?

it’s kinda hard to really say whether YABU or not when lots of variables can change outcome.

so I think the best thing to do is talk to partner about it. At the end of the day they may want to see you more too.

if you CAN’T bring up a relatively simple topic of concern in your relationship then it’s probably not going to be long term etc,
and if partner says nah I’m happy with the way things are then it’s probably not gonna be long term. In which case I’d explore a more open dating set up where you enjoy their company however often but with the knowledge it is finite and you may meet someone else that you want to be with instead

Figmentof · 13/02/2023 01:31

Partnerproblemm · 13/02/2023 00:00

There are words, boyfriend / girlfriend for a start, although to be honest even that seems a stretch here although not as ridiculous as calling this a partnership. This person is not interested in you, move on.

LadyJ2023 · 13/02/2023 03:12

It not a relationship seeing someone one night a week or a few hours on weekends. Especially living so near each other.And it's so odd having to go out for dates and not home either. You need to find someone who wants to be with you if that's what you want instead of these strange goings on 🙂

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