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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband Labelling Me

18 replies

OutdoorLady · 12/02/2023 11:37

I’m not sure if this belongs in AIBU but maybe having a wider audience would help clarify my thoughts.
When me and my husband have arguments he labels me, he either calls me controlling, bi-polar or a narcissist. A classic example was Friday when I told him something (apparently) in a harsh tone (his words) it wasn’t harsh, it was me just responding about some housework I had already done. He accused me of using him as a punch bag and called be a narcissist just for being off tone. We can never have a disagreement without him insinuating I have issues and it’s starting to impact my mental health and makes me question myself. He often seems in a low-mood.
Another thing is, he worked away on Thursday and he didn’t message me until 22:00, he normally messages me earlier than this, I asked if he was ok, he replied once and I replied back and he never responded that night, I then messaged again at 11 the following morning and asked why he didn’t respond and he then turned it around on me and said “I could also ask why you didn’t message goodnight!” Even though my message was the last one sent to him, it feels like he’s projecting.

Any thoughts on this please.

OP posts:
xJoy · 12/02/2023 11:41

Yupp.classic
He never has to admit fault or take responsibility for anything if he can turn it around and make you the problem.

This serves him very well and erodes you.

It won't change. My parents are like this, and unsurprisingly as is common, my x was like this.

TomatoSandwiches · 12/02/2023 11:42

I couldn't live with someone who felt comfortable throwing around medical diagnosis as insults so freely.

Have you asked him why he says those things?
Why does he need to paint you as a villan in every disagreement and to me sprouting off things like you're a narc, bipolar etc are used to diminish your
position.

Looking at his behaviour, I would suggest he is possibly the narcissist.

I would leave.

category12 · 12/02/2023 11:44

Sounds like he's using DARVO on you (deny, accuse, reverse victim & offender).

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship and potentially an emotionally abusive one. (You might find getting moved to the relationships board better for this).

xJoy · 12/02/2023 11:44

Ps, he is projecting

Stop engaging and start planning.

There is no way to sort it out as projection is mostly unconscious.

You can't just sit down, have a chat, explain it and then enjoy their new self awareness

nonevernotever · 12/02/2023 11:45

Frankly? I'd be considering leaving. Quite apart from the fact that only medical professionals should be diagnosing mental health conditions, he sounds deeply unpleasant. If a relationship is making you question yourself like this and is negatively impacting your mental health then I suspect it will only get worse.

Jedsnewstar · 12/02/2023 11:47

I hope you were just using this post to confirm what in your heart you already know. You need to leave.

747jumbo · 12/02/2023 11:59

He is labelling you. Labelling is the fashion though - already PPs have labelled your DP. You label your DP - ("he suffers from low mood"). You can't just say he upsets you, you have to say it affects your mental health. You can't just comment on the late night text spat - you have to say he's "projecting". Every man and his dog is a keyboard Psychologist nowadays.
And why ask him why he didn't message til 10? And why he didn't respond to you. So stressful for both of you this. - And when he asks why you didn't say goodnight he's the bad guy. (Why didn't you say goodnight? And does any of it matter? If you are not getting on these "who said what to whom and when and why" back-and-forths do not make things better).
If you don't get on, end it or try to sort it out. But trying to label or define him in order to justify how you feel and what you want to do is just as unhelpful coming from you as it is coming from him.
I hope you work it out, OP

Original poster
OutdoorLady · 12/02/2023 12:05

These are just a small number of words he’s used, there are many others. I don’t feel strong enough to leave but at the same time I can see how him labelling me and making me the villain every time isn’t normal or healthy.
@747jumbo Mentioning the low-mood was relevant. Asking why he didn’t respond to my evening message was also relevant, rather than say he was busy, he projected again and turned it around on me and this is what he always does.

OP posts:
747jumbo · 12/02/2023 12:17

It's not normal or healthy - that's the point. People have called him abusive, mentioned DARVO - it doesn't matter. You don't need them to label him for you to leave. It won't help you.

And yes, I know as I was with someone similar and we wasted so much time "proving" whose fault it was - he said I was miserable and paranoid and always depressed. I said he was abusive and obsessive and controlling. The more I read the more I found things that fit the profile.

Neither of us really wanted to go through a horrible split - and I don't why we thought that we somehow might be able to "win" - and that the other would change. Eventually we just split up. Such a relief. And then oddly enough after several years we found we got on ok. Neither of us "is" anything - we were just in a relationship that needed to end.

Original poster
OutdoorLady · 12/02/2023 12:20

747jumbo · 12/02/2023 12:17

It's not normal or healthy - that's the point. People have called him abusive, mentioned DARVO - it doesn't matter. You don't need them to label him for you to leave. It won't help you.

And yes, I know as I was with someone similar and we wasted so much time "proving" whose fault it was - he said I was miserable and paranoid and always depressed. I said he was abusive and obsessive and controlling. The more I read the more I found things that fit the profile.

Neither of us really wanted to go through a horrible split - and I don't why we thought that we somehow might be able to "win" - and that the other would change. Eventually we just split up. Such a relief. And then oddly enough after several years we found we got on ok. Neither of us "is" anything - we were just in a relationship that needed to end.

Thanks for sharing your experience. I’m more than happy to admit fault myself, I always reflect on things after arguments. If we argued and he didn’t label me and didn’t take everything I said out of context then life would be much easier but it very much feels like emotional abuse, I also feel I have to tread on eggshells. I haven’t explained everything here but reading more into things I can see it’s not a healthy marriage.

OP posts:
747jumbo · 12/02/2023 12:29

Neither was mine. But I do find that sometimes MN doesn't help in having to make someone the bad guy. I'm not saying he's not behaving badly - only you know that> And I know how hard it is to leave, (the kids? the house? our friends? my/his parents? work?? What will everyone think and how will we manage?). It took me years - and even then we split rather than one of us leaving.
So OP - I wish you luck and strength.

xJoy · 12/02/2023 12:37

You say you're not strong enough to leave.
I felt like this too once but I did.
In what way, can you put it in to words to help you figure it out, in what way does it require strength?
Ie, do you feel you have no right to reject him
Do you need his blessing to reject him?
Or is it fear he'll rage worse if you reject him

Or is it the practicalities? Finding a new place? Working out how to salvage your stuff?
Are you OK for money?
Can you not figure out a way to make it work?

FictionalCharacter · 12/02/2023 12:49

This reminds me of my ex, who used to keep saying I was always shouting at him and he didn’t deserve to be treated like that <sad face>. I never shouted at him once in the entire 10+ years, nor did he shout at me, though he did say some very unkind things to me and mock me. What he meant was that I didn’t agree with him all the time and he didn’t like that.
The truth was, he didn’t want to be in the relationship any more. He eventually dumped me for someone else, and lied about it. He claimed there was no-one else and that he wanted to live alone, then he moved in with the OW.
I’m not saying your husband has an OW! But he’s reacting inappropriately to minor disagreements, which suggests he has a deeper dissatisfaction with your marriage.

Jaxinthebox · 12/02/2023 12:53

This is not healthy at all OP. Maybe think about contacting women's aid - they will help you, it's not all about violence. Emotional abuse, financial abuse, they all erode away at you and make you feel as you are now.

Take care, but please don't stay in this marriage.

RampantIvy · 12/02/2023 12:57

Quite apart from the fact that he is an abusive arsehole, it can't be a healthy relationship if you argue all the time.

Your mental health would improve no end of he wasn't in your life.

MissingNightshades · 12/02/2023 13:12

It definitely sounds like he's the narcissist. You are definitely not one as narcs do not self reflect and spend most of their time deflecting instead of being reflective. Basically if you spend a lot of time wondering if you're a narcissist you're not one.

Cocobutt · 12/02/2023 13:19

This relationship doesn’t work.
Neither of you even like each other.

Why not ask him if he thinks you’re all those things, why you are still together.

I would just sit him down and tell him that you can’t carry on like this and that you need to both make a plan of separating in the most amicable way.

The relationship is over.
It just takes one of you to be the first to admit it.

platanenweg · 19/03/2023 01:16

It's called projection

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