I’m no longer responsible for transport to contact

[Margot777]

Iv always bent over backwards to ensure my dd is able to see her dad in the way she wants
background is she doesn’t like going so I get her late sometimes if she doesn’t want to stay. Her dad has always taken the piss for example if I’m unwell and it’s my turn to collect he’ll say he cannot drop for another 12 hours or something silly
so I just do it cos if I don’t dd suffers
recently she’s not wanted to stay so iv collected her after the event and we have overnights down
i said I’d collect for her but latest is 7.30 I work ft they live 35 mins away (their choice) and I’m tired. On his wife’s birthday he made a big deal and I ended up having to collect later in the e being. Having done both drops
this is just one example today I’m expected to get up and collect later this after noon at their convenience because of their birthday. He cannot drop back as he’s drinking
aibu to tell him to piss off and if he can’t get her back she can’t go ? (Based on the fact that she repeatedly tells me this)
ibrealky think he should just not drink if he wants to see her that bad
bearing in mind iv asked him a handful of times to take her to a club she does when iv struggled the answer is always no!

YANBU.

Stop doing it.

If he wants to see her, it's up to him to arrange.

What a loser.

That's ridiculous. He either needs to collect her or drop her off or both given he moved away.

He wants to drink that much alcohols so he can't drive? Then not appropriate for having a child with him then, so no she should not be going if the responsible adult plans on getting drunk.

That’s a whole other thread.
i see it as my duty to make sure they have a relationship - iv talked to him about the alcohol aspect many times hence she doesn’t stay of it’s a drinking event. But somehow it’s become up to me to do it all!

i really feel like saying I’m doing no lifts at all but sadly think the only person that would really affect is dd so I can’t

he collects from you to take her, or she doesnt go, you collect from him when you want her back. WOuld that work? Just make sure she isnt sitting waiting, and she doesnt get ready until you know he is definitely coming

It's not always as simple a a straightforward "who moved?" as there might be very valid reasons, but in this case, no. It's not your job to ensure they have a relationship. It's your duty to make her available. What he then does is up to him. For this specific event, can he pick her up and you collect.

If she doesn’t really want to go I’d just refuse to do any of it. If he wants to see her he can pick her up.
The only thing I would do is collect because otherwise she isn’t getting home and she will likely be upset as she’ll want to come home.

And if he's been drinking, he can bring her back by bus, taxi or Uber.

Wouldn't the easiest thing be to say that, if he wants to see her, he collects her? Much easier to control than when and if he drops her home.

I think hand the responsibility for the relationship to the person it belongs to.

Given her views, seems perfectly reasonable. Just makes sure your DD is at home at the times her dad should be coming to collect her.

My ex used to be like this and demand I did all the pick ups and drop offs. My solicitor sorted it and now it is split so that when he is having our child he has to pick up and then I pick up from him when our child is due to come back to me.

its not your duty to maintain their relationship. Its your duty to maintain your own relationship with your child, and his to maintain his.

He has chosen to move away, and he is choosing to drink.

You are not his taxi service that he can call on whim. Just stop.

If he doesnt make contact appealing, or starts playing silly buggers so that she has to stay longer and gets upset, its your job to comfort her when she returns, and to have her back. Because at some point she will simply decide to stop going.

How old is she?

My solicitor also used to say that my ex needed to collect. But to have plans so that if he decided to rock up late (to further control me) then we would not be there.

this man is using his child to control you. and is a lazy fuck. dont jump to his tune, you are free of him now. set sound boundaries and show your daughter that women arent at the beck and call of men

This is how we did it, DS's Dad had terrible time keeping (thought nothing of dropping a 4 year old home at 11pm on a Sunday night), so we collected to guarantee he'd get back. If he was late collecting, that was his lookout.

When he eventually moved miles away , when DS was early teens, we stopped doing any - unless there was a very particular reason we needed DS back earlier

He's now 19, it's such a relief to have nothing to do with his Dad now!

Agree with PP's, he collects, you fetch her back, then the only bit he controls is whether she goes to him in the first place. It won't stop it disrupting your plans if DD needs to come home early but it doesn't sound like you mind that so much, it's DD being stranded if you don't do more than your fair share of transport, so at least if he collects you're making sure he does his bit.