How to deal with friend

[Hhhhmmmmmmmmmm]

Aside from ‘cut her off’ how would you deal with a friend who constantly brags about their finances and ‘perfect life’ during a time where 2 of her closest friends are going through messy breakups where finances are affected?

Friend in question has gone from an amazing friend to incredibly stuck up, self centred and out of touch with struggles of her closest friend. Very tone deaf.

She recently came into a fair amount of money and this seems to have affected her empathy.

Conversations in group chat often go like this:

Friend 1: ‘I am so stressed out with COL and ex partner making me remortgage the house to pay him off I can barely afford life as it is and have children to provide for’

Friend 2: since having to move out of my family home with the children I’m struggling with X Y & Z. I don’t get a break and can’t afford essentials’

Changed friend: My child needed some new clothes (inserts pic of several outfits of £500+ each). Can’t you just ask your family for money? Can’t they buy you a house? I just buy everything outright as I don’t like bills including my brand new car. Why don’t you just pay for a nanny to mind the children then treat yourself? Or ask your mother to mind children every morning whilst you have some you time?’ (Mother whom she knows works full time)

She completely invalidates any concerns and offers the most ridiculous out of touch advice and it can come across like she’s just trying to rub her friends faces in her ‘stress free’ life. She knows very well the advice isn’t practical or even possible.

I love her for her many other attributes but she’s getting beyond irritating now.

Has anyone directly called her out? And I mean harshly, not gently?
”Friend, do you remember what it was like before you came into money? What planet are you living on that you think I can hire a nanny, when I’ve been open about my financial difficulties? You’re actually being really insensitive and it’s upsetting me.”
Sometimes you need to be this blunt and direct- especially when someone is as oblivious as she seems to be.

I have tried but probably not as harsh as I need to, she just comes back with a disingenuous apology, but then does it again.
it at the point I ignore her calls/messages when I’m having a bad day as she asks about it to then gloat that she’s not in that position. It can come across so patronising! X

She sounds very insecure. And quite stupid.

I think ignoring her shite is all you can do.

She isn't a friend.

Call her out or cut her off.

Tell her so there is no room for misunderstanding and then, assuming you want to continue with the friendship since you don’t want to hear “cut her out”, call her out every single time she starts saying it “no, friend, this is exactly what I was talking about.”

She would be a former friend in my world. She's just an arsehole.

Why would you not want to cut her off though? You day she knows very well this stuff she's suggesting isn't possible.. so why would she be doing it other than to be a bitch? I don't understand why you still want to be friends with her?

I had a friend like this she went super power crazy and money crazy once she got an amazing new job. Big expensive wedding, bought a massive new house - brag brag brag flashing money in my face and yet calculating bills when we went out to the penny and making sure she didn't accidently treat me to even 1p of her fortune. and then ignored me when I had a bereavement in my family. Then got divorced and it humbled her massively - still rich but got back in touch with me as I'd cut her off by this stage- totally different person back down to earth. Cut her off and see what happens in the future.

She’s been an amazing friend over the years.

I think I’m just kind of hoping this is a phase.

I’m genuinely happy for her but any discussion I suspect she will attempt to turn into me being envious of her life, which I am most certainly not.

She likes to make out other people are jealous of her relationship, however there is something very strange and creepy about her partner. I suspect he plays away. She’s the type to make out everything perfect as she wants people to think her life is perfect. It’s sad as if she was at any point having a hard time I would be there to support her in a heartbeat. She knows I’m not a fan of her DP so maybe this is where it all stems from I’m not sure 🤔 x

Ok so her personal circumstances may have changed but how does that affect her lack of empathy? I've never had cancer but I can understand that it's going to be scary for someone diagnosed with it, I've not been widowed but I can understand that you might be a bit fucking devastated to lose your life long partner.

They are just 2 examples. You don't have to be currently experiencing the exact same thing as your friends to have empathy and understanding and the fact your friend, who was relatively recently in a similar position can't express empathy would make me think she's not really the sort of person I'd be interested in being friends with. You say she has other qualities. What are they?

See she likes to pay for one person in particular but then often mentions that she does this and I find it patronising and demeaning. If you’re paying for someone because they’re struggling then the kindest thing to do would be not to bang on about it. I wouldn’t let her pay for me in fear of her using it to give others a run down of my tragic life 🙄

She knows she lacks in empathy since a bereavement, she actually spoke to a professional about this before she decided seeing this professional ‘wasn’t for her’.

She actually said some really upsetting things down to this lack of empathy when I was going through a miscarriage.

Hmmm she was my ‘go to’ whenever I was having a bad time but thinking about it this was a good while ago now, more recently when she knows I’ve been struggling she’s on the end of the phone but too busy with her new circle of friends.

Food for thought!

Honestly, I'd just sack her off. It doesn't have to be a dramatic banishment. Maybe she'll come good and the door will be open? Doubt it, but you never know.

Are you all young? I lacked empathy when I was younger. I didn't realise at the time, but as I look back, I do realise I was quite selfish in my 20s

Mid 30’s.

I feel like she used to have empathy but now pretends she can’t understand having to deal with anything that’s not amazing, it’s like toxic positivity.

I just feel like there isn’t a good time to being this up 😑

It’s hard to be able to empathise much outside your personal experience when young. I suspect a lot of people only truly gain sympathetic empathy to situations they have been in themselves through going something truly painful which means they can notice and empathise with the pain.

Op, slightly different situation but my Mim can be crashingly insensitive and hurtful with her comments at times. Any trying to explain why I’m upset got turned back into an issue with me (me being over sensitive usually) led to complaints of hoecake hurtful to her I am if I bit back a little). Now I just ask her if she meant to be rude? (I’m sure I picked that phrase up from MN a few years ago) Or abruptly say I need to go if on the phone and just leave the room if in person. Silence always works the best but I can’t always manage that. Works a treat. I would try similar tasks to see if that stops it. If not, you’ve got to ask yourself what is your friend getting out of saying them. Eg is she for example making herself feel better at your expense? Rarely do people actually do that unknowingly even though they’ll likely claim ignorance.

I’ve learnt to judge how close a friendship I want with someone in how much I like myself and enjoy being me around them.

Just begin with pointing it out, with few words - i.e. 'bit tone deaf there Mary', chuck in a smily emoji if you don't like confrontation. Next time after same again - 'oh no tone deaf again' and every time after 'tone deaf' like training a fecking animal. There is no excuse then. If after 10 times of asking just give up, she'll have gotten the message but won't change her ways and so she can take her money and entertain herself, friendless.

You need a break from her then maybe?

You could spell it out to her if you're so minded, but really you shouldn't have to. I'm older than you and I've had times in my life we're I've had tons of cash, and times where I've been on the bones of my arse, but I've always been mindful of my friends situations and when I've been flush I've helped them out, when I've been less rich we've done cheaper things. If she's flush now, then really rather than spending 500 quid on an outfit for her kids, she should be helping her friends out. That's what I would (and have) done anyway. You have to decide on what you value yourself though.

It's ok to end a friendship when it no longer makes you happy. It really is. Not all relationships, actually very few, are meant to last forever. You should ditch her.

Life's too short to tolerate shite people. She's no friend. Get rid