DH and 'no'

[hotchocco]

DH is fantastic with them and we are complementary in a lot of ways but I’m often the one who has to say no to the kids on behalf of the both of us because he doesn’t want to disappoint them.

We will have both agreed no to something (something non negotiable that can’t possibly happen today as we don’t have time and need to do it another day) then later on he will start to give in to the kid’s pestering and I have to cut in and say no.

I’ve told him it’s not fair on me that he puts me in the corner so he always comes out of it well and I'm boring old Bad Cop.

Sounds pretty lame to be afraid to say no to your own children. Children don't need a life excluding the word no, they need parents willing to lead them, using yes or no appropriately.
What's he said when you've objected?

I say no to my children loads, they think I'm the dogs bollox. Children who don't hear the word no feel like there's noone steering the ship and become unable to tolerate normal push back.

I’m the one who says no in our house, but as above also the preferred parent 90% of the time. It does annoy me (especially when I think it’s being lazy on my OH’s part) but on the other hand I liked the fact that he was so gentle and kind (unlike me) so I guess you could say that I knew what I was getting into!

He sounds very drippy.

Yeah he is gentle and kind. I am too but I'm not afraid to be clear and firm with them.

If we've both said no to a request and he then turns round and starts to try and please them after they pester him, even though it's not convenient for him, they think he's being kind and I'm being mean by looking like I'm 'overriding' him. It comes from a good place but it's frustrating.

I brought it up with him tonight. I said they need boundaries and to hear the words 'no/not now' from him as well as me and in life in general. He said I can't deal with this and walked off. He's got a lot on with a family illness and dealing with a friend who needs him but still...

AIBU? We do compliment each other and each do our bit but IMO parenting isn't about pleasing them all the time. His need to please puts me in a corner to be the one to tell them what they don't want to hear.

If he’s going to act like a child then perhaps you need to treat him like one.

You could help him say no by saying “The answer to your question is “No”, kids, and daddy will explain why, won’t you daddy?”

If you make him man up and start parenting and stop being a best friend then he’ll get the hang of it.

And if he doesn’t you keep making him say No so he learns he might as well say it at the time they ask for stuff or you’ll make him later.

Could wreck your relationship with him but tbh he sounds like he’s not up to your expectations, which are quite right, he’s the one lacking.

He needs to grow up. Perhaps he thinks the kids won’t love him if he’s the No guy. But point out that they do. Kids need boundaries. You are both there to provide them.

Cross posted with your post there!
You’re on the right road.

He said I can't deal with this and walked off.

SO he can say not now to you but not the DC then. Ask him why that is and tell him to put his big boy pants on.

Omg. This would give me the ick (sorry, horrid word but describes it so well). Children need and thrive with firm boundaries. Not wish washy adults they can’t trust to be in charge and protect them. He’s failing as a parent, and by leaving you to be the bad cop, he’s failing as a husband too.

I say no too. Pisses me off no end when one person would rather avoid confrontation, it's lazy parenting looking at you DH🙄

DH sometimes says, about 19 year old DD, "I don't think she should do that" or similar. What he really means, and has always meant, is that he wants ME to tell her/ deal with her. I just say "on you go, good luck with that then"... not that I don't think that she should be disagreed with but, if it's his issue, then he can deal with it. I'm not his enforcer

Look at it in a different way (well firstly he does need to start saying no) but like a young dog, they will always see a leader in a pack. They want the leader, they prefer to have that leader, it makes them feel more secure and directed. And ultimately that is the person they give the most respect to.

I think it's fine for your kids to have a rule maker parent and a slightly softer one. If kids have two harsh parents they can feel ganged up upon and like they have no control or room for negation. It doesn't mean your kids will love you or your DH differently, it just means they get their boundaries from you and get to push them a little with your DH.

Slightly different styles with both somewhere not too far from a happy medium between dictator and doormat is one thing (and kids won't feel ganged up on 🙄 if both parents can say no they'll feel perfectly happy with two aligned parents assuming they're not crushingly strict)
But a situation where one is in the happy medium zone and one is way out in doormat territory is something else. They will know they are being appeased by him and the risk is that they'll play you off each other if you're so far apart on things. Ideally you should both be backing each other up because a united front is so much better all round, his approach undermines you but you're providing healthy boundaries (assuming you're not way out in dictator territory which it doesn't sound like you are).
It's just exhausting being the only adult in the room willing to hold the line when necessary.
Not much you can do if he won't talk about it.
I sympathize with him on the timing of the talk if he's coping with a lot at the moment, but he'll need to talk sometime, so I'd let him know.
Some self awareness and considering of whether he really wants to roll over all the time and is that actually good for the kids might help him improve, if not it's going to be a long few years raising kids together and it will be hard not to lose respect for him.

I think I would have to let him do whatever isn’t possible alone and deal with the consequences eg. You agree you can’t do something/ go somewhere he doesn’t say no so he has to take them / let them do something but with full understanding that you won’t be a part of it/ come. If that means a late night he deals with the over tired consequences too. It might be you realise that he the No is important but he doesn’t and then learns the hard way. He

^^This.

It’s difficult because you don’t want to use your kids as a tool, but if he can’t stick to agreements it may be you have to just start talking to them about your own boundaries and let him deal with his own. So when you say “No.” perhaps you should be saying along the lines of “Sorry, I can’t fit that in today. But maybe Daddy can.” And leave it to Daddy to say No or do it himself.

Kids tend to be pretty good at understanding different people have different roles and different rules. They don’t have to see the two of you as the same.

The only time this doesn’t work is if it’s something where it’s actually bad for them to have too much. So sweets for example, if he says “yes” so much that you never can, that’s an issue. And if that’s the case I think you have to stop thinking of your DH’s desire to say yes as coming from a good place. If he won’t say no when they need it, not just the two of you, it’s not coming from a good place, if that’s the case it’s all about ego.

I snapped at him this morning. I've noticed they've started to say 'Daddy would say yes Mummy'.

I feel like he'll go around my/our decisions so as not to disappoint the kids. It’s all coming from a nice place but I don't feel heard.

We are stuck.

I go to him with an opinion on the kids with a view to making life easier or meeting in the middle.

He won’t listen as he thinks I’m having a go or critisising and it will end up in an argument. He says I disagree with what you’re saying end of.

I get cross because he’s not listening and he’s walking off.

He came up to me and apologised.

I grew up with trauma and didn't have healthy communication modelled to me (not blaming but it doesn't help) so this is triggering.

On reflection, I feel I should back off a bit at times and let him parent his way. I have told him how I feel. Such a fine line between saying how you feel and sounding like I'm telling him how to parent.

I feel your pain OP. DP is much the same.

We've talked it though this eve and he said he had to walk off as I was getting really worked up and upset and he didn't want the kids to hear. That's fair. Better to talk when calm in the eve which we did.

What if you stop playing bad cop? Next time he starts to give in, what happens if you just let him, but let him deal with the consequences? So you say “no, we don’t have time for x”, and he wavers, let him do “x” with them and find out the hard way. I suspect if he actually had to own his decisions instead of relying on you to contradict him he would suddenly grow a backbone.