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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or are the in-laws

18 replies

runningintheopposite · 11/02/2023 20:58

I first met dh over 10 years ago when he was still living at home, we were both early 20s at the time.
Dh was practically ruled by his mum, she called multiple times a day and wanted to know the ins and outs of our whole lives together.

When we first got a home together she turned up unannounced daily and continued to call several times a day to be filled in on every aspect of our day and criticise if she didn't approve, we tried to set boundaries but this resulted in her crying and name calling until we apologised and she got her way, after we had our first dc things got so much worse and I found her unbearable and left dh because I felt suffocated.

DH didn't want our marriage to end and agreed his mum had dominated our relationship so he said we could move away and stop contact with his mum and live our own life, I agreed and that's what we did, the knock on effect of this is that the rest of his family kept trying to get him to contact his mum after siding with her and seeing her heartache and so he isn't welcome in his family until he makes things up with his mum and we apologise for what we've done to her.
I should add that the rest of his family bend over backwards to appease his mum so have no time for anyone who doesn't.

I didn't realise how much guilt this would cause, I have recently said to dh he shouldn't lose his family altogether and should make contact with his mum, if only so he can see them on his own or with the dc, he says he won't because he doesn't want to see them if I don't and he wants me to be happy.
This doesn't make me happy though because I've torn a family apart and the guilt of breaking their hearts and knowing how they feel is horrible but I couldn't go back to being controlled by her either.

Sometimes I think I should just walk away from all this and let her have her son back, I feel like that's what they all want but then I'd be tearing my own dc's family apart to do this, or AIBU and I just suck it up and play happy families and let her take back the reins to keep peace?

OP posts:

Original poster

runningintheopposite · 11/02/2023 20:58

Sorry I didn't realise how long that had got.

OP posts:

Floofyduffypuddy · 11/02/2023 21:08

Op it's up to him what he does.

You can't control him and she definitely can't control him and you. I would tell him to do what he wants but he must never let her in like before.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 11/02/2023 21:11

There must be another way to sort this out. Hopefully your MIL will realise she's been over the top and meet you both half way. You and your DH hold the cards. I hope you can set some boundaries with her and move forwards. It would be a shame to lose contact with her permanently. But it depends on her being reasonable.

GoodChat · 11/02/2023 21:14

I think you need to just back off completely from the situation and let him make his own decisions.

Slimjimtobe · 11/02/2023 21:16

This is so sad
I have a controlling mother so I do understand

all you can do is mind your own family and keep things happy within your own home

if you back down now - it will continue to get worse

AdviceOnLife · 11/02/2023 21:18

Op I have been there. Feeling guilty that you have broken what was a a happy family. But that not the reality.
You OP aren't choosing to separate this family. The separation is due to his mother and her lack of respect for the relationship you and DH have. She is choosing not to give your family the space you need to grow together.
It is okay for you to say I don't accept this enmeshment and place boundaries.
She is choosing not to respect them and cause the hurt. All you are asking for is a little privacy any adult craves.

Original poster

runningintheopposite · 11/02/2023 21:20

Floofyduffypuddy · 11/02/2023 21:08

Op it's up to him what he does.

You can't control him and she definitely can't control him and you. I would tell him to do what he wants but he must never let her in like before.

It is up to him, but he puts the ball in my court by saying he doesn't want to see them without me and if I don't want to then that's fine we wont.

He says he doesn't mind what we do and isn't bothered but it's down to me to facilitate it all because he just wouldn't bother.

OP posts:

GoodChat · 11/02/2023 21:23

He doesn't want to see them if you don't, and you don't. It's not your fault he's making his choice based on yours.

Floofyduffypuddy · 11/02/2023 21:25

Agree its not your fault if he bases it on you.
I would tell him to do what he wants just never ever let her come between you again should he wish to see them.
He sounds lovely and a refreshing change on here.

Eastereggsboxedupready · 11/02/2023 21:25

If he did indeed want a relationship with her he wouldn't need your support to do it.. I encouraged my dh to rebuild his relationship with his dm. Went wrong. We ended up nc. Been 8 years and dh is so happy now.

AluckyEllie · 11/02/2023 21:28

Continue as you are. If he wanted to see her he would, he would talk
to you about it and decide to see her. He doesn’t. Don’t let him ever put guilt on you though by and point out you were happy for him to meet her without you.

She is used to having people give in, don’t. You don’t miss her company so it is purely guilt. Your childrens lives would not be better with her in it. She has made her own bed by being so ridiculous.

YoBeaches · 11/02/2023 21:30

It's not you. Reaming the family up, it's his mother and her behaviour. You already broke up once over it - nothing will change if you go backwards.

Your DH stood up for you, went and NC and you moved away. That's pretty big.

To be fair, if everyone is putting pressure on him from different angles it's probably pretty tough for him. So stand up for each other, and commit to the decision you already made, together.

You are better off without the family. Leave them to it and go Nc with all of them if they won't accept you both as you are.

HildasLostSock · 11/02/2023 21:51

You didn't tear the family apart, if anyone did it was your MIL. I'm guessing that your husband doesn't want to see her (because if he did, he would say so and make some effort to do so seeing as you've said ok) but maybe he doesn't want to or can't admit that he doesn't want to see her (even to himself) hence saying that he won't see her without you. He'll have spent his formative years being conditioned by her it can be very hard to say no. Thank goodness you've both been able to disengage and are a strong team. She won't change, if anything contacting her again will just give her fuel and make her think that she was right all along and likely redouble her efforts and be even more controlling/suffocating than before. You did the right thing. Stay away, and concentrate on your own lovely family that you've made together.

MrsCarson · 11/02/2023 21:56

Don't backtrack and invite her into your lives again.
My Dh went NC with his mother. He was LC when we got together and I encouraged a more frequent relationship only to have her interfere and try to get rid of me and take over Ds. He warned me she would hurt me. So he chose an intact happy family for our child over a relationship with her. Best choice ever, his mental health was much better without her around. His siblings tried to get him to change his mind but he never did.
It's his mother and his choice.

TiaI · 11/02/2023 22:03

Just tell him it’s up to him to organise if he wants to see them

RosyappleA · 11/02/2023 22:30

I mean there comes a time in our lives where we have to let our children live their own lives, she should be more grateful that his son has settled etc and should want him to be happy! She is way too controlling, don’t let her bully you. I have very little contact with my MIL after she mistreated me and tried to control everything like yours. I have left her to my DH to deal with, his mum, his concern. I cannot let her mistreat me again after the way she behaved when I had given her all that respect and kindness, her loss. Put your family first because in the long run she will realise and you are actually doing her a favour.

MinnieGirl · 11/02/2023 22:32

He is putting you and your life together above this deft old bat. Your husband is one in a million..
Dont feel guilty. If she behaved you wouldn’t have to take the action you did. DH doesn’t sound as if he misses her….

Gymnopedie · 11/02/2023 22:49

OP please take him at his word that he won't see them if you don't want to. it seems that you leaving him led to something of a Damascene conversion. Be pleased that he now has your back to this extent.

And whatever you do, DON'T try to force a relationship with them on him because faaamily. It's his decision to make. I always remember a thread on here where the OP had done exactly that, pushed to have a relationship with the ILs that her DH didn't want, and when it inevitably went pear shaped and they were just as horrible as before she was on here not sure whether she should feel guilty about trying, or whether she was right to give it ago and could at least say she'd tried. The replies were unanimous. It wasn't her place and she should have kept her beak out. All she'd done was cause her DH even more hurt.

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