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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fed up

21 replies

blueyislife1 · 11/02/2023 20:07

DS has not slept more than 2 hour stretches in the last 4 months (3 yrs old).

It doesn't matter what we do during the day, if he's gone to nursery, if we've spent the day out and about, if we've stayed in all day.

It doesn't matter if we let him nap during the day or if we don't.

It doesn't matter if what time we put him to bed (tried every 30 mins in the last 4 months between 6:30-10pm!)

It doesn't matter that we always follow the same routine.

He won't sleep in with us he just wants us to take him back to bed and doesn't want us in the bed with him just sat awake in the room.

We are bloody exhausted, we haven't had a full nights sleep apart from 8 days since the day he was born and this new 'phase' takes the biscuit. We simply don't know how we can carry on!

Today I took DS to soft play which was a disaster as he didn't like it and just spent the whole time clinging to me and asking for his dad who had stayed at home to catch up on some sleep. This was followed by a huge tantrum and me leaving in tears.

Is there anyone who can offer any ideas at all. I don't know what to do anymore and my mental health is in tatters!

OP posts:
Hydie · 11/02/2023 22:02

Hes 3 years old and you've had 8 full nights sleep? That's insane.

Why are you sitting awake in his room? Why are you not telling him no mummy is going to bed and keep it up until he learns. You are teaching him nothing by sitting awake in his room. Well you are teaching him that you'll sit awake in his room!

Original poster
blueyislife1 · 11/02/2023 23:09

Hydie · 11/02/2023 22:02

Hes 3 years old and you've had 8 full nights sleep? That's insane.

Why are you sitting awake in his room? Why are you not telling him no mummy is going to bed and keep it up until he learns. You are teaching him nothing by sitting awake in his room. Well you are teaching him that you'll sit awake in his room!

We have neighbours who can hear when he shouts and screams who then complain and get nasty.

OP posts:
Hydie · 11/02/2023 23:10

Your neighbours need to understand it will be a little painful for a few days until he adjusts! Shit happens, and they need to deal with it.

Original poster
blueyislife1 · 11/02/2023 23:16

Easy to say but when you have a 3 year old screaming, crying then being sick because they have got so worked up it's not quite so pleasant.

To confirm before the last 4 months he would wake up maybe once during the night (obviously other than when we he was very very little) and we'd put him back down with minimal fuss.

It's the last 4 months it's gone to shit

OP posts:
Randobelia · 11/02/2023 23:20

Could you bribe him with something he really wants?

Original poster
blueyislife1 · 11/02/2023 23:27

@Randobelia we have ordered a sleep sticker chart type thing and a gro clock this evening to see if that will help a bit/can start a new routine.

OP posts:
Randobelia · 11/02/2023 23:37

Can you make a bed in your room or a mattress in his room and he sleeps there or you sleep there just to actually get some sleep and then deal with it firmly once you/he have slept more? Hope the sticker chart and the clock help.

CopperMaran · 11/02/2023 23:39

blueyislife1 · 11/02/2023 20:07

DS has not slept more than 2 hour stretches in the last 4 months (3 yrs old).

It doesn't matter what we do during the day, if he's gone to nursery, if we've spent the day out and about, if we've stayed in all day.

It doesn't matter if we let him nap during the day or if we don't.

It doesn't matter if what time we put him to bed (tried every 30 mins in the last 4 months between 6:30-10pm!)

It doesn't matter that we always follow the same routine.

He won't sleep in with us he just wants us to take him back to bed and doesn't want us in the bed with him just sat awake in the room.

We are bloody exhausted, we haven't had a full nights sleep apart from 8 days since the day he was born and this new 'phase' takes the biscuit. We simply don't know how we can carry on!

Today I took DS to soft play which was a disaster as he didn't like it and just spent the whole time clinging to me and asking for his dad who had stayed at home to catch up on some sleep. This was followed by a huge tantrum and me leaving in tears.

Is there anyone who can offer any ideas at all. I don't know what to do anymore and my mental health is in tatters!

Would having a bed for him in your room work? We did that for our 2 year old when multiple bouts of reoccurring tonsillitis left her anxious for us in the night.

Oopswediditagain2023 · 11/02/2023 23:52

How is his communication? Can you see why it is that he's waking? My 2.5 year old went through this and she told us she was scared of the dark so we got her a little battery light that she could put on herself and goes off automatically after 30 mins. It could be anything though so worth asking.
Maybe keep a diary? Is it the same time he's waking every night? Could it be the boiler clicking on? Neighbours walking around or being noisy when they come up to bed? Could it be a "wake window" thing?

Ultimately with DD we told her it was ok to wake up and stay in her room, but it wasn't ok to wake everyone else up! I was severely morning sick at the time and it was massively aggravated by tiredness, so we had to be quite clear but she understood immediately and has slept through (or at least not woken us!) every night since.

SmoochyKiss · 12/02/2023 00:09

I feel for you OP.
My 2nd was the worst sleeper, would sometimes sleep less than 3 hours in a night and not sleep all day either. I was on my knees with exhaustion. We seen various professionals but none could offer any advice that we hadn't already tried. We had sleep studies (lack of sleep studies 🤦‍♀️) done but no solutions other than it seemed they just didn't need much sleep!

I don't think it was anything to do with our parenting as we did have a routine and we had literally tried everything. Had the same solid everyday the exact same routine for 1st DC who slept all night every night from around 4 months old bar the odd few weeks now and again of sleep regressions.

Unfortunately I can't offer any tips at all apart from just do whatever it takes to survive. However the child who never slept a full night EVER finally something just clicked overnight just before 4th birthday and they were sleeping all night and now at almost 7 are a fantastic sleeper....from latest 7pm-7am every night (clearly making up for years of no sleep!)

I really hope this happens for you and gives you hope that this will eventually end even though it is hard to even imagine that during the thick of it!

UsingChangeofName · 12/02/2023 00:14

The Sleep Charity Helpline

afinishedkiss · 12/02/2023 00:17

That sounds really tough OP. I can’t believe your neighbours are being nasty to you about it. I understand the pressure then to not prolong the crying. My heart goes out to you.

Casilero · 12/02/2023 00:22

The real problem is surely that he's not sleeping for more than 2 hours, not where he's sleeping? Why does he wake up after 2 hours? What happens when he wakes up? Does he go back to sleep again, and if so for how long? Have you sought help for this?

I've got 3 grown up kids and I did have sleep problems with all of them but not the same as you as they did actually sleep. I ended up co sleeping with my youngest but that probably wouldn't help you if he's not actually sleeping. In fact at one point all 3 were in with me. I look back fondly at that time but at the time I was not so fond.

I do sympathise though. I know how hard it is to be deprived of sleep.

Witchytwitchybitchy · 12/02/2023 00:35

Family bedtime for child, mum and dad. All in the same room, same time. Lights off ( except night light? ), curtains closed. Do the Waltons, night child- night mummy, night daddy- night son, night mummy- night daddy. Zzzzzzz

My child was younger than yours when sleep became an issue. We assumed because he was a big…ger boy, he needed less sleep. After some time we realised he needed MORE not LESS sleep. Try him to bed at 6pm. Try not to speak about it in front of him.
Good luck.

Sunriseinwonderland · 12/02/2023 00:42

For God's sake OP you are letting your 3 year old run your household and dictate how you will live.
YOU are the parent and you make the rules not him. Start getting tough.
There is absolutely no call for this.

Original poster
blueyislife1 · 12/02/2023 00:45

Thanks all.

@Sunriseinwonderland not sure you really get what is going on unless you have a bad sleeper. How do you not let a screaming, crying, on occasion vomiting from said screaming and crying child know that you are in charge and they need to sleep! We've had chats, we've tried going back into our room after an initial resettling etc he literally screams the house down.

We've gone to the doctor who said it's one of these things and the best thing we can do is ride it out how we can

It's not about me not being the 'parent' and this sort of answer does indeed come from people who didn't have any of these troubles which is frustrating.

OP posts:
stonebrambleboy · 12/02/2023 00:50

A night light and radio on very low worked for our DGD.

Original poster
blueyislife1 · 12/02/2023 00:51

@afinishedkiss thanks. We've tried the whole drop a bottle of wine round, even went as far as offering to buy a dinner out/evening cinema tickets so they were out the house whilst we tried the cry it out bit.

They have said we need to be tough with him but then complain and send nasty messages if they have been disturbed so I literally can't win!

I asked them what they suggested and they replied that it wasn't their problem and to keep him quiet.

OP posts:
LikeAStar1994 · 12/02/2023 00:52

Sunriseinwonderland · 12/02/2023 00:42

For God's sake OP you are letting your 3 year old run your household and dictate how you will live.
YOU are the parent and you make the rules not him. Start getting tough.
There is absolutely no call for this.

I suppose you've got a shelf filled with your "Mother of the Year" awards?

Hmm
aonbharr · 12/02/2023 00:59

blueyislife1 · 12/02/2023 00:45

Thanks all.

@Sunriseinwonderland not sure you really get what is going on unless you have a bad sleeper. How do you not let a screaming, crying, on occasion vomiting from said screaming and crying child know that you are in charge and they need to sleep! We've had chats, we've tried going back into our room after an initial resettling etc he literally screams the house down.

We've gone to the doctor who said it's one of these things and the best thing we can do is ride it out how we can

It's not about me not being the 'parent' and this sort of answer does indeed come from people who didn't have any of these troubles which is frustrating.

@blueyislife1 @Sunriseinwonderland is correct though in pointing out that he has far too much power here. I too had a really bad sleeper but she was a year younger at least. It would drive you absolutely insane, I know. Nothing worked, clocks, nightlights etc... I cracked one night and let her off for 3 nights in a row, screaming her head off, nappy torn off and on the 4th night, it ended, she gave up. I never made the same mistake again with following kids. It's like they can sense you resolve or lack of. Just do it, you won't look back.

aonbharr · 12/02/2023 01:04

stop worrying about the neighbours, feck them. Just worry about yourselves and getting some sleep.

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