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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

‘We should catch up soon!’

47 replies

Endlesssummer2022 · 11/02/2023 20:02

I know I’m not being unreasonable but I’m becoming increasingly annoyed with people who say this or variations of it.

What they mean is they’re not really that bothered about meeting up but want to make it look like they do. Or they want you to do the heavy lifting of suggesting dates where you will spend ages trying to find a time which works for them or sorting/booking location.

When people say this in real life now, I just respond with ‘yes we should!’ and leave it at that. As a result I haven’t seen a couple of people including my own DSIS since before Christmas because it always involves me initiating the date stuff, booking somewhere or hosting at my house. Can’t be bothered anymore even it means she still hasn’t given my kids their Christmas gifts yet.

If you’re one of these people, please know that saying ‘we should meet up soon!’ isn’t considered an effort to meet up. Rant over.

OP posts:

ManchesterGirl2 · 12/02/2023 00:47

I'm guilty of this 😳

If I actually want to meet up I say "can we meet up soon?"

Fedupfatandfrumpy · 12/02/2023 00:48

I say this and genuinely mean it when I say it. The thing is I'm terrible at organising things yet if somebody tells me where to be and when, I'll always make sure I do it. Time just flies by so quickly and if it's not already fixed in my thought process, it rarely gets done. I spend so much time on autopilot doing what I have to do that I don't get time to process adding/arranging anything new. I realise this sounds like really hard work for the other person but I'm just being honest. I don't even get round to organising stuff for myself unless it becomes a necessity e.g beauticians appointments- I could and should go once a month but in reality I usually only book in when I have to get something done because I'm going somewhere in particular or it's a necessity.

CelestiaNoctis · 12/02/2023 00:49

Lol this reminds me of when my SIL said "I haven't even met baby yet" and I was like, you're welcome over anytime. And they were like, oh errrr I've just been so busy at work! And I was like ok well we're fine literally any time, day or night because they're a baby so have no real schedule yet. And they didn't know what to say lol. Like don't say you miss us or want to see us if you don't. It's very easy to make time for somebody if you really want to, especially when we are the most flexible people ever.

L1ttledrummergirl · 12/02/2023 00:52

I say it and mean it.

Linnet · 12/02/2023 00:54

My friend and I say this. Our work schedules rarely seem to work out, she has elderly parents to take care of, I have an elderly grandparent to take care of. She has an evening hobby that she goes to, we do eventually manage to meet up at some point but not as often as we'd like. Life gets in the way sometimes, it seems to be part of being an adult.

FrenchBoule · 12/02/2023 00:57

It’s just exchanging pleasantries and finishing the conversation in a non-commital way.
It’s the same way as people asking „how are you”. Nobody gives a fuck how you are. You are only supposed to say something positive and ask the same question in return.

Summerfun54321 · 12/02/2023 00:59

I say "let's catch up soon" and mean "let's catch up as soon as I have a tiny bit of head space or time which is not very often as I have young DC, work and study and have so little time for myself, all I can do is just hope and pray you remain my friend".

userxx · 12/02/2023 01:02

I say this to my friends and mean it.

Thatboymum · 12/02/2023 01:04

if for saying sake I’ve bumped into you in Asda and I say something like we need to get a catch up or something soon best believe I do not mean it and have zero intention to catch up I’m just trying to make small talk and get away.

Sugarfree23 · 12/02/2023 01:08

Years ago it was pointed our if you actually want it to happen arrange it there and then,
Need to catch up soon
Yes lets get a date, when are you free?

Crumpledstilstkin · 12/02/2023 01:17

I'm one of those people who will quite happily see a friend once every few years and still think of them as a good friend so my soon would definitely not be yours! I think it's generally a well meant 'I'd love to catch up properly when we have a chance.' Then you both spend however long thinking I must organise that until someone thinks that when they can actually action it (phone handy, free weekend, etc.).

Beehiver · 12/02/2023 01:19

I totally get this OP. I never say it and I get sick of hearing it. When I meet someone who i don't want to meet up with i say, it was nice to see you and it usually really was. If i want to meet someone i say when do you want to meet up? Usually people have a rough idea of a time scale they will be free. If the follow up is crap then they don't want to meet up. There is no need to say it at all if you don't mean it. It's not polite it's misleading and the person it's being said to might actually be really lonely and pinning their hopes on it waiting for a text that never comes. There are 2 people who say it to me every time we bang into each other but now i know it's just code for i don't really want to meet up at all. It'd be much better if they just said see you around or cheerio. Then no one is expecting a call and eventually possibly quite hurt.

BarmyArmy22 · 12/02/2023 01:28

@Crumpledstilstkin like you, I have friends I haven't seen for years that I still consider good friends (covid, kids getting older so not obliging about wanting to meet up with my old friends and aging parents taking up visits) it's mostly Uni friends or school friends that I don't live near. When we send christmas cards or occasional texts we say we must see each other soon, the good intention is there but hectic day to day life means it doesn't happen. I imagine there will be more time for friends again once the kids leave home.

Johnisafckface · 12/02/2023 01:55

This is why I never say it. I never know if I will be able to so I don’t like to put that expectation out there.

I know people that say it or they say chat soon all the time and never hear from them again. It’s annoying but now that I know how they are I don’t care anymore

mamabeeboo · 12/02/2023 02:24

Depends who is asking this. A close friend will mean it and follow up with dates etc.
Other people, friend of a friends who you might bump into on the odd occasion, would say it as a conversation ender, so it doesn't seem rude to end the conversation soon because "let's catch up soon!"
To the latter, I always say something like "errm..yeah sure if you want, I guess.." and call it as i see it. Ie I wasn't planning on seeing you again but it looks like you want to see me?
It puts them off balance slightly but I hate the insincerity. Just say bye.

LifeunderMarrs · 12/02/2023 02:33

icecreamisforwintertoo · 11/02/2023 20:10

When I say this I genuinely want to see the person and my intentions are that I want to see them soon but also might be busy & a bit overwhelmed with a million other things going on… I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it but might take a while to get around to finding a specific date. (I didn’t used to be like this before having kids & having older parents and a more stressful job but life gets in the way sometimes…)

Absolutely this. I wouldn't take it personally.

lifeinthehills · 12/02/2023 02:38

I think people say that when they've enjoyed the current interaction and do want to meet up again soon at that moment. Then they leave and life gets in the way, time slips by and it just doesn't happen.

Do you invite them OP, or just wait for the other person to do all the inviting? The phone works both ways if you want to catch up.

I've got one person who wanted to catch up for lunch early in the year. I'm not sure it's still early in the year but I don't care either way really.

MollyRover · 12/02/2023 02:38

icecreamisforwintertoo · 11/02/2023 20:10

Exactly this

Puppers · 12/02/2023 02:45

I think you're right, OP.

Weirdly enough I've said this exact phrase to 3 different people this week.

The first is a friend who I've realised I have a very one-sided relationship with and it's always me organising things, initiating contact etc. We were in a brief text exchange and I ended with "we should catch up soon!" but I don't intend to make further arrangements; I'll let her take the initiative (or not, more likely).

Second is an old friendship that's been fizzling out for years. I don't feel I have anything in common with this person anymore and contact is very rare now. I'm certain they feel the same but we have mutual friends. They invited me to something that I (genuinely) can't make it to, so I politely declined and ended with "we should catch up soon!". I know she won't suggest a date etc and I have no intention of doing so either.

The third was a friend who I absolutely do want to see. I immediately followed "we should catch up soon" with "are you free on X day?". I think you're right that if it's a genuine sentiment, it is the first step in actually making a concrete plan.

Sugarfree23 · 12/02/2023 10:21

@Puppers
1, I get makes sense
2, They've put in some effort with the invite. You should be proactive in arranging a suitable date.
3, Makes sense

JenniferBarkley · 12/02/2023 13:50

I say it all the time with acquaintances like other mums at school. I thought it was universally understood to mean "I really enjoyed chatting with you. It would be lovely to do that again, but let's face it we're all up to our eyeballs so it's not likely to happen unless by chance. That's nothing personal though and if you do fancy making the effort and suggesting a date I'd be delighted to meet up."

With real friends, close family I would assume it's meant sincerely.

Ohifyouinsist · 12/02/2023 13:54

TheObstinateHeadstrongGirl · 11/02/2023 22:26

It means “I don’t want to meet up with you soon but I also don’t want to walk away without doing the polite thing of pretending I DO want to meet up with you”

Yes that's exactly why I use it.

If I want to actually meet up with someone, I'll ask 'when are you free to meet up'?

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