DH’s family are terrible gossips. AIBU to drastically reduce contact?

[Bleachmycloths]

They delight in other people’s bad luck or poor choices. Who ever is not there is talked about. Sometimes there is insincere sympathy which is always a precursor to revealing other people’s private business. I absolutely hate it. Examples:
-A relative-of-a-relative-through-marriage. 80+ old lady, very nice person imo, confronted by shocking news from her DH past. We (DH and I) knew about it and kept our mouths firmly shut. The subject was brought up at the dinner table and jokes made about it. It was awful. I said ‘ Yes, well, it must have been terrible for X at her age. I feel so sorry for her.’
-a married couple with no children were talked about. One person told everyone about their sexual problems caused by failure to conceive and other really personal details. I said ‘ yes and I’m sure x and y will be delighted that we now all know about their personal lives.’
So I do respond but I am getting more and more angry with these nasty character assassinations. Last week, at one point, I said ‘ I am going in the other room to cool before I lose my temper’ (response to racism and misogyny) but they found it amusing.
I wish I could just piss them all off and I resent family get togethers where I have to listen to this shit. I am starting to hate these people and I think they are terrible talking like this so freely in front of children.
Do I continue to with my mild responses? Or do I drastically reduce contact which my DH is worried about?

Thanks for reading. Be grateful I didn’t give dozens of examples because there are loads! 😊

I would reduce contact in your shoes. DH can deal with it. It’s disgusting behaviour.

I closed down discussion of our fertility issues when I realised other people had been told without our permission. I had 3 mcs but only my dad knew about the second and third ones.

YANBU

I hate gossip like that. I grew up listening to my mother do that and then her and my sister. My mother does tell me things that happen in the family, but I don’t go around telling others and take most of it with a grain of salt since I don’t necessarily care and it’s none of my business unless they themselves ask me for xyz.

DH’s side is not much better. I move from immediately to the living room when they start to gossip because I don’t see the necessity of listening or talking about people I don’t know, will never meet, for choices they may or may not have made through a grapevine of telephone.

I’ve seen firsthand how gossip has hurt my friends when I was growing up and choose not to participate. Plus, it makes me think if they’re happy to gossip about people like that, what would stop them from doing the same to me.

Thanks for the first couple of responses which are helpful. I know I will be talked but I don’t care as I am quite strong (ish!). I only tell them things that I would happily announce to the world. One of them asked the fathers of my 2 adult children and I said’Oh,I don’t think we’ll go down that road.’

so, I’m not soft but I feel sorry for other people they’re talking about.

*talked about

*asked about - I should proof read!!

So sorry about your mc’s. I hope you’re ok now.

I would reduce contact as much as possible, I hate this kind of behaviour. I want to talk about things not people!

Yes. What really gets to me is the relish with which these stories are repeated and each gossiper’s love of being the centre of attention.

God they sound awful.

Would it be worth thinking about seeing them as individuals? Presumably some of them are followers not leaders of this atmosphere, and might be fine if seen on their own. But if it's coming from your FIL and MIL it's hard to do anything but back away.

What are your dh's specific worries?

How does your husband respond? Is he enjoying it too?

DH worries how it will look if I back off because we always attend these get togethers and dinners together. I don’t want to upset him. You’re right, it isn’t all of them but I’m not really interested in seeing any of them individually. And we are the In-laws lol! These are approaching mid life marrieds with children. The teenagers join in now I have noticed and they are not stopped.

Is it his children that are behaving this way? Tbh my mum is a gossip, she doesn't think it's malicious and often it's not but I don't like backbiting and neither does my dh. He mentioned it to me after we had attended a wedding and my mum and sister dissected everything others had said and done. He responded that there was no need for it and that it made him dislike them. I told my mum and she was horrified. She reigns herself in now but I think a lot of it stems from the fact that she just can't see other people's opinions and always thinks she is right.

I think your dh should tell them that the gossip is abhorrent and that neither of you like it so they either wind their neck in and stop or you'll reduce contact. See what happens. Most people don't like it when you bring a mirror up and show them their true colours, it could be a reason for them to mind their behaviour. Worth a try, I'd say.

Thankfully no he doesn’t. But he doesn’t challenge and only responds with really/ how terrible/ what a shame. He’s too soft hearted tbh and hates confrontation.

talking like this so freely in front of children.

Absolutely fucking not. I'd reduce contact without a second thought. I think a certain degree of discreet gossiping between adult family members is normal but taking delight in other people's misfortunes is not - and what an awful thing to be teaching kids who have no concept of life experience/context/discretion! Such a nasty way to be.

I reduced contact with my mum in law because of these kinds of things and I have never regretted it.
Life is much kinder and simpler now.

Ugh
stop seeing them and tell them why.

Malicious gossips are problematic. If they’re gossiping maliciously about others, then they’re certainly doing the same thing about you. I’ve learned to avoid them like the plague.

Make up some really juicy tidbits to get them salivating - then reveal it was all a load of old shit just as they excitedly divulge their big news.

Thanks for all the advice. I admit that some people on MN have far worse problems so I need to ‘be the adult’ here, put my big girl pants on and deal with it.

First, I am now admitting to myself that I simply don’t bloody well like them!
tbh there are more issues with showing off and oneupmanship about money/holidays/cars, which I find pathetic and tiresome. Also too many inappropriate comments and laughter about race/ women/ gays/ people on benefits in front of children which appals me. Lots of chest beating /Willy waving.
The posters who say it can’t be all of them are right, of course.
I have told DH how I feel and he understands why and he concedes that the behaviour is not acceptable. I lied unashamedly to DH when I said ‘ take away the gossiping and showing off and they are nice people’ 🤣🤣🤣. What I mean is ‘ take away those things and there’s little left.’ 😂
I shall reduce contact drastically and I will focus on the few who are not part of the crap, like the lady who watches all the popular TV series and we chat about that.
we all have 💩 like this and I need to deal with it, not moan about it.

Finally..
It was the laughing and mickey taking about the old lady and the shock she’d had about her 80 plus DH which triggered the intense dislike.

As she got older, my mum became more and more inclined to do this. There was an avid, relish that made me really uncomfortable.

Needless to say I didn’t confide in her at all myself and I tried to discourage her as soon as she started. I think she thought it was just one of the ways in which I was “cold”.

In your situation I’d keep doing what you have been. As to lessening contact, well as they are not your parents you could do, as long as you aren’t requiring your husband to do the same.

Thank you - yes, they were many years ago now and I had dS2 after so I’m very lucky.

Infertility is a difficult thing to deal with for many reasons but one of them is that you either keep it to yourselves and put up with intrusive questions, or you give some level of explanation hoping that will stop the comments - but it doesn’t always. Part of me thinks it would have been better if we’d never said anything at all. I would not have been happy at all to hear other people’s situations being discussed like this.