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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is DH gas lighting or AIBU ???

30 replies

Fedupandsad · 11/02/2023 09:29

I’m 6 months pregnant. Have a 15 month old.

Work 4 days a week ( 30 hours )

Last weekend DH went out Friday and Saturday night . I thought it it good for him as he hasn’t been out in ages.

This Friday he went out . He has woken up and had a go at me as I rang him at 9.30 and asked him to get nappies on his way home - meaning he had to leave the pub at 10.00 to make the ship . He had gone out at 4pm.

He says all I do is sleep. Well I am exhausted working 30 hours and looking after one year old on top of being pregnant.

He then said - there was no dinner when I got home .
I am utterly shocked at his attempt to make me the bad guy when he went out and got drunk and I sat at home and looked after the baby . I was happy for him to go out yet he is now saying I just sleep all the time , should have been organized to buy the nappies myself and that I made no dinner .

What the fuck!?
AIBU? I honestly feel so sad ? Is this game playing ??

Its now Saturday morning and I feel sad and exhausted.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 11/02/2023 09:31

Err - no, that is not what my experience of life with a baby was like. If it had been, DH would now be ExDH.

PaperDreamsHoney · 11/02/2023 09:31

YANBU, he's a dick.

Karwomannghia · 11/02/2023 09:32

Not gaslighting but very selfish.

Spellcheck · 11/02/2023 09:32

He’s not game playing, but defensive. Which means he knows he’s in the bloody wrong!!!

Maray1967 · 11/02/2023 09:34

Apologies- realise I should have written yes - it’s game playing. He’s not behaved well here towards his pregnant wife who is working 4 days a week and dealing with a toddler. Mine got a meal ready for me not the other way round.

Sparkletastic · 11/02/2023 09:34

Not gaslighting. Just straightforward being a dickhead.

rbmilliner · 11/02/2023 09:39

Does he normally expect you to wait on him? No yanbu, tell him he needs to grow up.

Testina · 11/02/2023 09:40

Well it’s not gaslighting, no.

I know he went out last weekend - but you said that he hadn’t for ages before that.
So he’s not out all the time.
Honestly I’d be annoyed if I got a call at 21:30 telling me I had 30 minutes to leave in order to get nappies.
That would come across to me that I was being “made” to leave.
I’d be posting on here, “do you think she waited deliberately to tell me then?”

But the shit about not having his dinner?
Fuck that shit.

He’s not a gaslighter, just a common or garden selfish arsehole.

Original poster
Fedupandsad · 11/02/2023 10:00

@Testina it wasn’t aggressive . I just called to say - we have no nappies can you get to the shop. I assumed he would need reminding to get the nappies as he was drinking. He did need reminding.

He arrived home . Woke baby up . Did I say a word this morning ? No

yet he woke up and went on a rant about me not cooking his dinner , being exhausted and telling me I’m lazy.

He seems to have a god complex because he works 7 more hours a week than me . Yet I look after the baby about 30 more hours a week than him.

Im sorry I’m just shocked how he has tried to basically blame his hangover on me and will try and make me the evil person for the whole weekend so he can be mean to me .

im sick of it !!!!

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 11/02/2023 10:02

If he had gone out drinking I wouldn’t expect him back in time to get to the shop by 10pm, unless he expressly said that he was coming home early.

SlatternIsMyMiddleName · 11/02/2023 10:05

He is a dick.

whathappenedthere · 11/02/2023 10:13

He seems to have a god complex because he works 7 more hours a week than me . Yet I look after the baby about 30 more hours a week than him.
^

why do you allow this unfair split of labour?

AbreathofFrenchair · 11/02/2023 10:18

Not gaslighting.

I'd be annoyed on a night out to get a phone call saying j had to get nappies as that would mean having to end the night early to go and fetch them.

Did you do that to make sure he came home at a reasonable time? I know sometimes running out of nappies happens, however you would know earlier in the day that you had X amount of nappies left so could do with a top up. (Unless of course there was multiple explosive nappy changes that depleted your stock)

As for the dinner, well if he was out drinking for the night, why would you do him dinner if you were not expecting him back early? I presume you cooked yourself and your 1 year old food? Was it a dinner that you could have cooked extra and left his plated up?

AbreathofFrenchair · 11/02/2023 10:22

Fedupandsad · 11/02/2023 10:00

@Testina it wasn’t aggressive . I just called to say - we have no nappies can you get to the shop. I assumed he would need reminding to get the nappies as he was drinking. He did need reminding.

He arrived home . Woke baby up . Did I say a word this morning ? No

yet he woke up and went on a rant about me not cooking his dinner , being exhausted and telling me I’m lazy.

He seems to have a god complex because he works 7 more hours a week than me . Yet I look after the baby about 30 more hours a week than him.

Im sorry I’m just shocked how he has tried to basically blame his hangover on me and will try and make me the evil person for the whole weekend so he can be mean to me .

im sick of it !!!!

So if he is continually being mean to you and you do the most of the work round the house, what does he bring to the relationship and why are you with him? If he's always like this, why have a second child, they generally don't change and it now means you are going to be in a worse position with two children to take care of.

Hydie · 11/02/2023 10:23

I wouldnt be happy getting a call at 9:30 meaning I pretty much had to leave now. I would feel I was being made to leave.

But the dinner comments, he's a prick.

The lazy comments, all you do is sleep? When? When do you manage to sleep looking after a 15 month old?

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 11/02/2023 10:34

If I hadn't been out in ages and my OH text me at 9:30 (when I had only been out since 4) about nappies dictating when I would be coming home. I would be miffed. 15month old baby only has 4/5 nappies per day so it would have been known for a couple of days from both of you that more was needed.
The whole... no tea made etc... I would tell him where to go.

Does he not look after your child on the 2 days he's off at all? Doesn't spend time with you both? As you work 4 days and he works 5 and you said he hasn't been out in ages.

I do most of the child care as I work 24 hours (over 2 days) one week and 36 hours (3 days the next week) and DH works over 5 days so it naturally falls like that.

Testina · 11/02/2023 10:44

“it wasn’t aggressive . I just called to say - we have no nappies can you get to the shop. I assumed he would need reminding to get the nappies as he was drinking. He did need reminding.”

I didn’t say it was aggressive.
So in your first post, you made it sound like you’d called him out of the blue to pick up some nappies.
Now you make it sound like he already knew he had to get nappies, and you were reminding him.

Regardless, he sounds horrible.
What do you plan to do?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 11/02/2023 10:45

Not gaslighting, but abusive.

Original poster
Fedupandsad · 11/02/2023 10:58

@Testina
Im sorry . I suppose i should have explained . He went out all last weekend which was fine .

But he text me Friday afternoon at 4 and said - im going to go to the pub for a while .
So I assumed he’d be back 7?8? I didn’t want to hassle but by 9.30 I assumed I would need to ring about nappies as he knew we had none but I suppose I could have put ds in the car and driven and got them around 8 when it dawned on me he was going to be out longer .

i just feel like a doormat . I would never ever just say - I’m popping out and still be out 5 hours later and not communicate at all when I knew I’d be out all weekend before and that my partner had been at work from 8-4 and was pregnant with a toddler . I’m sorry but I wouldn’t .
but it’s the fact he woke up and shouted at me !

Im clearly just pissed off. Sorry ! What can I do ?

OP posts:
ApiratesaysYarrr · 11/02/2023 13:43

Not gaslighting, but being an arse.

UseOfWeapons · 11/02/2023 14:23

Not gaslighting. He’s an utterly selfish twat. Has he ANY redeeming features?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 11/02/2023 14:26

Gaslighting is denying something happened and trying to make someone believe their own version of events is wrong and doubt their own mind etc

So not that

Your husband sounds like a dick though. I can see how going to the pub at 4 can lead to staying out a while longer than you meant to (especially when you know that in 3 months, socialising is likely to stop for quite a while if you will have an 18month old and a newborn) and although it's a bit shit if it's not often then I'd grin and bear it. And I can see that being tung at the pub to bring back nappies might be annoying as effectively cuts his night short.

But

He is an adult, he can keep in touch, he can use his words. He could have let you know he was staying out longer than a while. He could have explained that he didnt want to leave and ordered some nappies on deliveroo. Instead he is trying to divert your attention from his behaviour by counter accusing you of shit behaviour, but because you don't have any shit behaviour, he is massively exaggerating stuff and actually being quite hurtful.

You're 6 months pregnant, looking after a baby and working 30 hours, of course you're fucking exhausted and to turn this around on you and accuse you of 'sleeping all the time' is cruel. And also ludicrous, when do you get time to sleep? How is it his decision how much you 'should' sleep? And if both of you work, and one of you is also at home looking after a baby, why the fuck is it your job to have his dinner ready like a 1950s housewife?

And aside from all this if you work slightly shorter hours than him and are pregnant, why the hell is the majority of childcare falling on you?

Is he normally nasty and hurtful in an argument?

Gymnopedie · 11/02/2023 14:27

Im clearly just pissed off. Sorry ! What can I do ?

You sit him down and tell him he's being an arsehole. Put him straight on 'all you do is sleep'. Tell him you're not his slave to have dinner on the table.

You said he hasn't been out much before last weekend. Was his attitude before that OK, or when you think about it was he an arsehole then too?

Johnisafckface · 11/02/2023 14:30

Karwomannghia · 11/02/2023 09:32

Not gaslighting but very selfish.

This.

BigChesterDraws · 11/02/2023 14:30

Gaslighting? No, not even close. He’s immature and selfish, that’s all. But you picked him. And decided to make 2 babies with him. Good luck. You’re going to need it.

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