To be filled with anger

[Beehiver]

My brother has fallen out with me 2x in the last 5 years. 1st for about 2 months this time it's been 3 years. I've had time to think. Since our childhood all he has done is borrow money he will never repay, ask me to buy him things and constantly put me down. I thought we were best friends but now i see what was really going on i feel stupid, angry and hurt. He called me names and put me down cos I was moving away, that's the sole reason. I feel I've been used all my life and I never want to see him or speak to him again. I dream about him almost every night. I am also so sad cos I can see how indirect put downs (and direct) from my family has created the insecure, unassertive person i am today. Also mum was taking his side for a while and i never said anything because it's always me who is wrong or stupid or mad. So I never told her what he said until recently and now she never mentions it. If any of my husbands family did what he did she'd be very aggressive about it and tell me how awful they are. He doesn't send my children a card or a well wish for Christmas or birthday. Initially I was buying gifts for him from them at birthdays etc to keep their relationship alive but he clearly doesn't care. I feel my whole life is a bit of a lie. About a year and a half ago I had a really serious accident and nearly died. My mum was laughing while she told me a joke he made about it. I've honestly got a pretty good soh but i just couldn't see the funny side. Among other things, he doesn't have any right to take the mick when i was recovering and traumatised and he couldn't even text to make sure i was ok. I am so sad about the whole thing xx also I have to add the first fall out was because of something I said when I was mentally unwell, it wasn't nasty i just told him his comments were not doing me any good and to stop. My mum fell out with me then too. He spent a good 10 years in the black hole of depression and i was there supporting him. I go through severe PND and he tells me mental illness isn't real!! Anyway, hello I'm new. Thanks for listening been needing to get that off my chest for a long time. I'm lots of fun most days it's just eating me up.

You are giving him a lot of headspace. Have you thought about going no contact with him?

What a sad situation OP. Mental health issues can make some people very selfish. You should have a ready made friend who understands you because he is family, but sometimes it just doesn't work out like that and the idea you have of him may never happen.
Could you have a proper deep talk with him about how you are feeling?

If only we could choose our family!
Cut back on contact, no harm in that

Hi @Beehiver i totally hear you x
I have done so much for my brother. I would buy him the best stuff when he was growing up. Me and my sister gave him £1k when his kid was born. We gave him alot of money when he got married and when he bought a new house. My Mum was the one to say give him all this money. My brother can go a whole year not talking to us.
In that time i do reflect on how i have done so much for him, he does leave a big hole in my life when we don't talk but i just think i can't go on like this.
You're not alone, i totally understand what you're going through x

YANBU.

I'd say you've been treated badly enough that you don't need to be suffering anymore. I totally understand why this is on your mind, but all the time you're thinking of it, you're missing out on having nice thoughts that make you feel good, or even doing something else that builds your life up.

I'm not suggesting you turn off your thoughts, but perhaps there are some self help books that can help you move forward (I find audible good as it's not me read ing in my own voice in my head) or even some therapy. It doesn't really matter, just anything that works for you. Some people run to clear their mind and process thoughts. The point is you are still suffering and i guarantee he's not.

This is very good advice , I have been through similar and now I am no contact with my brother.

Thank you everyone. I am in fact no contact but you are correct I'm giving him too much headspace. I will have a look at some books. I think i am going through a grieving type of process. I must still be at the angry phase and he isn't who I thought he was. You're also right about me suffering and he likely doesn't care. I sometimes think he must be upset, but he's very probably not. Thank you such a lot everyone, that's good advice and good to get it off my chest xx

Get a bit of paper out and write down every subject that’s going around your mind. If you see on paper what you’re focusing on, it can really open your eyes.

You’ll see it’s probably a lot of “other people’s shit”.

Get another piece of paper out and make a new one - “my shit” - what do you want for your job, your money, your social life, your home, your relaxing time, your future? This is the stuff you should be focusing on!

After this, when your thoughts get all shitty, remember that’s other people’s shit and switch to thinking about the things on that second piece of paper.

I’ve also gone NC with my brother. I’ve done so much for him (including giving him somewhere very cheap to live for five years). He very very rarely does anything in return.

He really let me down badly when I started divorcing my husband, and I can’t forgive him. He took up a lot of headspace at the time, but problems with my divorce has meant I haven’t got capacity to think about him anymore.

I sympathise with you. It’s hard to realise that someone who you thought loved you doesn’t love you, they just love themselves. I’m sorry you mum isn’t supporting you.

when things like this happen I try and reframe it. So instead of thinking about how upset I am, I think to myself that sooner or later my brother will realise that he’s the one worse off when he’s not getting any help or money from me. He fucked himself.

Write him a letter. Get it all down and out. Make a decision that this is the last time you will think about it.
The letter is for you, not him. It’s the end of that trauma. Writing it and reading it will make you cry sad and angry tears. Good. Let those be the last tears you shed for him. He and his shitty behaviour is now the paper?
Send the letter, or don’t send the letter.
Live your life as you want to, without ghosts.

Wow some of these replies are amazing. I wish there was a like /love button xx